Updates for 2014-2015

I said I'd be doing the bucket list last time I posted here- and forgot about it all.

Is that bad? Nope.  That told me that my life kept me busy.

I have increased in volunteering, participating in social justice and reproductive justice activism lately!    However to talk about my social justice activism would make it all about me, not the communities that the spotlight need to be on.  Please read blogs by women of color; participate in groups run by trans people; and listen with no intention to interrupt or go 'but' to stories of disabled people.  

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I saw the play "Our Town"  in January 2014.     All I can say is.. it blew me away.     If the play comes to your town, go see it!     Yes, it may feel boring- stick to it and you'll realize how accurate it is to your life.

Actors Theater's 'Our Town'

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In the past two years, I had been pressured to give/donate some labyrinth paintings I created to organizations or individuals.    I had not felt comfortable with that; yes I even resented that encouragement, pressure.   That included being asked to give workshops on labyrinth mediation/walking for free.    What gives?   Do one really think that art or education should be free all the time?  

When I paint, that includes the cost of materials, frame, canvas, length of time- could cost between $75-200.  Yet when I put $90-350 on the paintings, I am told that I am greedy.  !!!

When I come to do a labyrinth workshop, that includes mileage, cost of gas, hotel stay, sometimes rental of the room, length of time, and time away from my job.   Yet when I check whether they will pay me for the workshop, (usually 200-450), I'm told that they cannot afford that.  Yet it's okay for me to pay to fill up my gas, drive 150 miles, and pay for overnight stay at the hotel. Okay......

So I had dug my heels in and said no more, I'm not gonna donate/give paintings away, nor do my workshops for free anymore.   Did that stop people?  Nope-   others realized the value- I had sold six paintings in the last six months!  To me,that's a big step.  Workshops-  I had been asked to do a workshop later this year, and they made an offer to pay for the hotel stay and my airfare, so to me, that's a fair trade.


In 2014, I had gone to the Michigan Womyn's Musical Festival, in which I had fallen in love with.  For the first time ever in my life, I felt safe. I could walk down the road at 3am, not looking over my shoulder, which I did so- walking under the moonlight!  Camped among fellow spirits.  Only one minus about that was that there were no workshops about infertility/childless choice/not by choice.  I recall telling members who have been attending the festival for many years as they could recall, that there IS a labyrinth built on the land, and to be told "no there isn't, unless you mean the labyrinth by ribbon over there."  I was persistent- following my gut, and I found the stone labyrinth!  It had been built a long time ago, so many old members let it slide from their memories.

I came back in 2015, saddened that it would be the last year for the festival.  Heartened that I got to give a workshop on the labyrinth walking- in end, the attendees got to see the stone labyrinth- lets hope that whatever happens to the land, the stone labyrinth will be always be there.  This time, my best friend Roni came and experienced the magic of the festival.  I also volunteered most of the time at the orientation/welcome area, the Deaf haven and the kitchen.  I realized from 2014, volunteering was where I was most happy, and so I did that again last year.


I walked in the 2014 Zombie Walk in Louisville- it was a blast of fun!    Saw so many zombies, yet so little time to see them all!
















I took a break from writing the book, since I found myself stuck with the 'writer's block' (obviously here too in the blog!).

For 2014 and 2015 Goodreads, of 150 and 200 books, achieved, although realizing that with that pressure in the last year, I found myself disinterested in reading. So for now, I'm not going to read just for the sake of 'Goodreads' goals, but for my own pleasure.

In 2015, I had done some travels-  to NJ, OH, IN, CO and KS.

I had also lost my grandmother, June back in July.  Throughout growing up, she had been there a steadfast anchor for me.  When relatives hesitated in learning sign language, she dived in and became skillful so we can communicate to each other- she made sure that I was part of the family, instead of staying in the shadows.  She encouraged me greatly to start reading when I was a toddler; she fanned the flames of reading within me, non-stopping in handing me books to consume.  In the last years, she had been a shadow of who she was, due to dementia, no longer remembering anyone, not even me the last time I saw her. So when I got the news she died, I explored the mixture of grief and relief at the same time- feeling relief that her suffering had ended, yet grieving that she is gone.    At the funeral, I wrote her eulogy, echoing her values in reading and writing.  I still miss her.

And my VW Jetta Sweetheart, bought in 2003, had bit the dust only two months ago.  I got a new Kia Soul-   more room for camping trips!

Looking back, the bucket list have looked harder than it was, and so I decided for the next five years, I will stick to the five goals.

Pay off Debt
Travel out of country
Save
Buy/Build a tiny house.
Re-assess my life and see where I want to go from here.

And for the childless not by choice part in my life?    I realized that I AM a mother in other ways.  To my furkids, I am their mom. I am an aunt spoiling my 3 years old nephew, who now finds himself a Star Wars fan like me, and the twins(boy and girl!) just born to my brother and sister-in-law two months ago.  Being a mentor to several young women is enriching.  So in general, I have made peace with the childless aspect.   Of course, the book about me is unfinished, there is a lot more to write- the plot may change.  And you know what? I look forward to surprises popping up on the next few pages.

Bucket list 2013 to 2014

Just keeping it simple and short.     

Self-care
I hadn't been involved in any dramas so far, and so I find my health is much better for that. That is revealing how much some ex friends were drama seekers, and how life has improved after I removed them.  I hadn't been the peacekeeper for two years now.  SWEET.   

37 paintings so far-  ***SOLD two!!***  And will sell some of my artwork at an upcoming festival-let's keep our fingers crossed. 

Waverly Hills historical tour AND paranormal tour-  no ghosts in photography (drats!) 

Started volunteering in several fields, including reproductive justice, Big Sisters, people struggling with homelessness. 

Had opened two FB groups, one with goal of activism, and one for deaf women. Both going well.  

OLD SOUTH travels!   (Tennessee, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama...) Eats in New Orleans includes Acme oysters and Seafood House, Cafe Du Monde, Clover Grill, El Nate Negro, Napoleon House, NOLA, etc-  yeah I finally acknowledged that I am a foodie!  

Continuing
Writing the book- it is harder than I thought, I keep re-writing the plot.  I KNOW what goes in my mind, but it keeps changing whenever I finally sit down to start writing. so this is frustrating.  I know my characters,  I know the plot- but trying to put it all together, that's the challenge.

Referring to the last post in early 2013....

New Goals:
Goodreads 2013 goal:  150 books. ACHIEVED!
See the Vagina Monologues
Create a mosaic of labyrinth.
New classes/spring semester:  Advanced Photography ACHIEVED. 
Increase hikes and walks with dogs Still continuing on that. 
Increase fruit intake  ACHIEVED
Learn to forgive myself and let go of negative folks and experiences- still working on this. 
Work out next move location IN PROCESS
Get new ink on my skin, ACHIEVED! A labyrinth on my lower calf! 
Drink more water, less coffee

Check out local eats that I hadn't sampled yet. Bistro Grill, The Fish House, Jack Fry, Cuban House, Hammerheads (OMG- you have to try their bacon brownies!), Silver Dollar, Toast, and Eiderdown
"Throw out Fifty things" project- get rid of 50 things (and more!)  Just got my book back from loaning to friend- so just starting on this!  
Cut down on paper books, increase titles on my Nook Doing better..still struggling! 
Ventriloquist museum- Fort Mitchell, KY (only museum about ventriloquists in the world)  ACHIEVED!

National Underground Railroad Museum, Cinn, OH. ACHIEVED!
Gravity Hill in Princeton, KY. ACHIEVED!
Centralia, PA
Boston, MA
Watch all the seasons of Star Trek: Voyager (7 seasons!)  ACHIEVED!


There is only three new things I have added to the bucket list- I'm keeping it short, in which this list will have items that hadn't been achieved in 2013 and new items. 

Pay off my debts by end of 2014. (new)
Save up to build a tiny house/travel. (new)
Michigan Womyn's Music Festival (new)
Centralia, PA (old)
Boston, MA (old)
Drink more water, less coffee (old) 
See the Vagina Monologues (old)
Create a mosaic of labyrinth. (old)

The reason I'm keeping this bucket list short this year is because I have realized as long as I keep it long and ever-growing, it is harder to feel accomplished.  So I'm doing things that are more likely to happen, and hold off others, except for two things that maybe, maybe not- which is New Orleans in October, and becoming a foster parent.  

Tree

Before the surgery, I had always loved the tree- Christmas tree, Yuletide log, Holiday tree as long as I could remember from my childhood.   Looking up at the tree, I had thought the lights as fairies holding candles, stars sparking out of the night, a beacon for Santa Claus to come and drop off presents.    A family tradition to get a tree, decorate it, and bask in the tree lights, with the darkness around us.

Looking back, I realized the tree also was an example of family, everyone getting together front of the tree, to open presents, to enjoy each other, and be reminded of what family is supposed to be.


Supposed to be.

Sixteen years ago, I got a very BIG tree-  7'5 tree, so thick that you'd need two persons on each side, to help decorate the tree (woe be the person in back/corner, having to move by inch, hoping he wouldn't knock the tree down!).   Sixteen years ago, I thought I would have a family; a husband to love, and children to see the magic in their eyes.

(source)

I faithfully put up the tree every year, thinking "next year, I'll find someone and have a child."


I had relationships, however, I couldn't picture myself living with each of those guys permanently, and I was unfortunately right.    The last relationship had burned me badly, and I found that singlehood was much better for me.    I then looked into getting pregnant, and that didn't work out; two miscarriages were the result before I noticed the bump that led to the surgery.

The surgery wiped out my hope of having a family.  Children.


Last year, I found myself reluctantly putting up the tree. I found out that I had an hate-love relationship with the tree.

There would be the days I would look at the tree, with tears in my eyes.  

Some days, I'd glance at the tree, thinking there's still hope.

Other days, I wanted so badly to toss the tree out the window, chop it up and toss it into a bonfire.

After the holiday, I decided the tree had to go.  I donated the tree and ornaments to a shelter for domestic violence survivors, so the survivors and children can enjoy the tree in a safe place.

For the last six weeks, I found myself swinging between a desire for a tree and not wanting a tree.   A friend, who spent the road trip with me, encouraged me to get a tree. We didn't get one- and I found that I'm glad about that.  I love her, but I didn't like the pressure, not when I didn't feel ready.

I still searched for trees while surfing Internet, finding myself annoyed when catching myself doing that.

After talking with my therapist a few days ago, about the tree, I realized something.

The 7'5 tree-  it was for my family to be. My dream children.    Hope for family and children.   

Hence the tree never had belonged to ME. It had belonged to my family that was supposed to happen. 

After the catharsis, I then knew what to do.

I looked at trees, taking my time.    Tonight, I went to Target to get some package boxes so I'd mail stuff to family in Kansas, when I thought to myself "why not look at the trees here?"

I saw that the trees were on sale for 50% off. I went, "well, there's this tree I like, don't know if there'd be any left."

I went around the corner to find that the tree model that I liked, was still there, but no packages beneath the low raiser that the floor model was placed on.  I was thinking fatalistically, "that's that..." when a staff member stopped by and asked if he could help me. I shrugged and pointed at where the tree was, "no more packages. All out."

"We can pack this floor model tree for you, 75% off for you."

Serious? 
Serious?  
Is he serious?!  

I knew then that the tree was meant for ME.    Jules, the woman I am, on my own journey, exploring the world.

I took the tree home.    I put it up, decorating it with new ornaments, with some ornaments I kept from my trips to New Orleans and Britain.

This is MY tree.

PMS and Activism, what a mix!

Happy 2nd anniversary-

You still kick ass, Occupy Wall Street!

Occupy Wall Street/NYC

It has been 2 years since September 17, 2011 when the Wall Street had been taken over by the People (us).   They are still alive in many ways, a variety of fields, such as:

Boulder, Colorado:  Occupy Boulder Flood Relief

New York City: NYC 2nd anniversary

Yahoo news

and more- you can get more info with the link I attached to Occupy Wall Street/NYC.   I only regret that I wasn't able to be there this year.  

That's okay- I can still be an activist, as I'm doing this weekend, then again in 4 weeks in October, and again in November, covering five states.   

And by the by, PMS finally re-appeared in my life two days ago, after being 'missing in action' for a year and half after the hysterectomy.  I suspect I did have PMS now and then during that time, but grief had immensely distracted and numbed me in the meanwhile.  

That's all right, I'm good with that.  

PMS and activism mixed up-  the world, watch out!  

http://nalakagunawardene.com/2008/09/12/remembering-anita-roddick-a-year-after-her-hasty-departure/

Walking the walk

As long as I could remember, I had been an advocate/activist.  Even as a very little girl, I was an ambassador for an organization that encouraged lip-reading and speaking, not sign language (staying away from the Deaf community, making one 'hearing').  Mind you, it was my mom who volunteered me for that position, and of course my face was on newsletters at local hospitals and audiologists' offices back then in the 1970's.   How funny it is that I'm immersed in the Deaf community nowadays.  And that wasn't the first time in advocacy....  Nope, that would be when I was a very very little baby.

Mom had pushed me in a stroller when she marched with other women fighting for equality.

(from Washington DC ARCHIVES)

Mom talked with many (teachers, representatives, senators, board of education, everyone) to encourage passing of Education of All Handicapped Children Act (which was passed in 1975), which was then renamed the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA).  Just one of ten thousands speaking for support of this act, which increased education for children with disabilities. 

Marches for Reproductive rights.  HIV/AIDS education/prevention, Take the Night Back, GLBT rights, all in 1980's and 1990's. Been there, done here while growing up.   When not pulled in the Radio flyer red wagon, I rode a bike.  When not on a bike, I walked in my sneakers.  I was a walker, a cheerleader, and fundraiser for many causes. I sat at booths to explain about equality, HIV education, and access to communication for the Deaf.  

When I was a freshman at Gallaudet University in 1989, I even got an opportunity to talk with my Representative  and two senators at the U.S. Capitol, explaining the importance of passing the Americans with Disabilities Act before it was passed in 1990.  

In the last two decades, I had been advocating for vulnerable adults' right to be listened to, and to be respected,  and not to be babied.  Being a mother hen, I was fiercely championing for individuals with intellectual disabilities to increase independence in housing and employment, much as they are able to.   Trembling in my shoes, I stood up to abusers, while shielding women.  I held hands with victims of rape as they were being treated behind the hospital curtains during the sexual assault examination.  Was a legal aid advocate; victim advocate; and medical advocate in numerous fields.   While doing extensive studies in graduate school, I encouraged free-thinking, exploring beyond limitations and civil right to marriage (marched with fellow graduate friends in protesting Prop 8 in 2008.) 

It was over a year and half years ago that I stopped activism. 

That was when I had struggled with my own reproductive issues which included surgery and struggles with my own identity.  

Through the decades of being confident and assertive, now I found myself extremely vulnerable.  After years of knowing who I was, I wasn't sure anymore who I was.  If I was not to be a mother, what was my gift to the future?  If I am not to have children, why should I care to make that the world is livable, with civil rights to everyone?   Cannot I leave a mark on the world?  

All the fierce passion, all joy of empowerment,  all my desire to better the world, and I never had a chance to be a mother after all.  I felt cheated. 

I was angry.  I stayed in the darkness of rooms, refusing the sunshine, rejecting the world's cajoling of sharing news crying for help in many areas, especially women rights and reproductive rights nowadays.

Right.... Reproductive Rights, I never got to practice that myself.  

Can't help but see the irony there.  

Last month, I was surfing on Facebook when I saw someone posted a meme "I Stand with Wendy Davis!" That name wasn't familiar to me, so I checked  Facebook, Twitter and Google and discovered her goal of filibustering against the new abortion regulation bill in Texas. 

Wendy Davis, June 25, 2013

The neglected ember, within my spirit, sparked with interest in seeing what Wendy was doing.   More she stood in her sneakers, more she spoke, the more the world watched her.  I found out many women sent her their experiences to her to read aloud, more I was reminded of something I had forgotten during my grief.

It's not about me.   It's not about you.   It's about ALL of us.  One for all, all for one.  Unus pro omnibus, omnes pro uno.    To better the world, we better ourselves.    To advocate for people, we advocate ourselves.   In my way, I have been advocating for infertility awareness in the Deaf community for a while. That was a small step for me.  

So with reflecting what Wendy Davis is doing, with noticing how thousands of women showed up at Texas to protest, with showing up in North Carolina, and with recalling Occupy Wall (Restore the Fourth) protests (still alive!), I felt like the world had just slapped me, as of going "du'oh!"  

I realized, I do have children in a sense-  my nephew (and future nieces/nephews), my cousins' children, my friends' children.   If not of my womb, then for them, for the women, for the vulnerable adults and elderly, and for the children who need the world more than we do, especially in this political environment.  

After reading a blog written by volunteers who advocate safety and empowerment at a local organization here, the volunteers are the witnesses and warriors to a constant war on the sidewalk almost daily.  I was reminded of the one thing I had been interested into doing, but hadn't taken the opportunity to do: To walk the walk, to participate in the battle. Not to stand in sidelines.   I contacted the writers recently and inquired about volunteering.

Well, I'll be wearing an orange vest locking arms with fellow volunteers in the wee hours of Saturday morning, to keep clients safe, protecting their right to choose for themselves, without politics or religion butting their noses in.   

I might be infertile but I'll always protect reproductive choice, all choices.  The advocate roars again! 

  

(from the movie Ace Ventura)

Mirage

Tracing the tight belly of my pregnancy, while sitting outside, I was enjoying the spring sunshine peeking through the leaves of the tree above me.  Feeling movement, perhaps a foot or fist, I smiled and pressed gently against the movement. There was a thump in response.  I smiled bigger.  I felt so content and happy.

I was sweating, breathing hard, seeing several people above me and across from me-  nurses, Roni and my mom.  Roni signing to me "how do you feel now?" I snapped back, "When you try to get a basketball out, ask that again!"  The doctor urging me to push; I strained against the pain, yet flowing with the pain. The pain became my friend, and then it dissolved in a rush of movement, new skin, new life.  Watching the nurse picking the baby up, I almost called out wanting to hold the baby.  I watched anxiously as the nurse cleaned the baby; paying no attention to the doctor checking me afterwards.   I felt relief as the nurse put the warm baby on my stomach.    Kissing the wet head, noticing the dark mop of hair, I smiled and said "she's here, isn't she?"  Roni nodded, smiling, with tears in her eyes.  Mom even had a softened look on her face.

Walking across the room to the crib, I noticed the moon outside the window.  The moon was quite full, as if she was pregnant, full of new life.  I smiled at the whimsy thought.  I peered down at the sleeping baby.  Softly, pulling the blanket up to her chest, I touched my finger as in kissing it and then laying the finger to her silky forehead.  I shushed softly as the baby stirred slightly, as she returned to her sleep.

Carrying the girl in my arms, I walked up to the tree where I had used to sit under, while pregnant in the past.  I sat down, my legs cradling her, among the exposed roots of the oak tree.  As she looked up at the spots of sunlight through the fall leaves, grey eyes distracted by falling leaves among us, I smiled, cherishing the moment.  I was bending down to kiss her nose.....


RRriiiinnnng!  Riiinnng!  



Abruptly sitting up in bed, I found myself in pajamas, the light going off and off, in waking me up.

Oddly, I could recall the hard pregnant belly, the movements.     The pain of labor.  The baby's soft skin.  The sounds she made, vibrating through my chest as I held her.  It all felt real.   But no child at all. 

What annoys me- waking up to the nightmare of reality, or was the dream itself a nightmare?

I resent the reality right now.  

Just a note

Still away from the blog for a while, especially with getting news of a friend being pregnant (not planned), and of a baby's birth recently- so emotions are shaky.

Just wanted to let y'all know that I got my counseling license approved!


Funny how two parts of news, one unhappy and one happy.  Can't decide which to celebrate or cry.



Well, guess I'll make a toast to myself with one or two berry martinis

The recipe is inside this website with the photo-  Very yummy!

http://www.girlfriendgetawaytrips.com/girls-night-in-cocktails-its-so-berry-martini/

Colors in the path

Walking the Georgetown labyrinth /DC 2009

I am sure some of you readers have noticed here and there, of me speaking of labyrinths (either walking or painting)...   Basically, labyrinths are a metaphor for walking meditation, either by finger or walking.  To keep this post short, here is Labyrinth 101, something to give you a basic understanding of what labyrinths are like.   Before you say something, no- mazes aren't the same as labyrinths.  Mazes are the puzzle, in which you encounter dead ends, many corners and split ways (think of the maze in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire), while the labyrinth has one way in and out, in a graceful circle, in intent of helping you focus inward and stay in the moment.  If you have walked or observed labyrinths, you'd notice there's a variety of patterns from Cretan (simple) to Chartres pattern.

Many people use the labyrinth for a variety of purposes, to discover strengths within, answers, spiritual affirmation/support, to process stress or to re-connect with themselves.  I have seen women use the labyrinth to  learn to forgive and love themselves after experiencing domestic violence.  Children pace through the labyrinth to find creativity and to quiet the the hyper mental activity.  Elderly walk among the circle, to find peace within themselves.  And yes, the labyrinth is good for grief, as I realized, as another tool for me.

For years, I have walked labyrinths to consider choices in my life, including where to work and what to do next in my life; I walk to release stress and anger, as well as to find simple joy and relaxation.   It was only last year when I started to paint again after stopping as a young adult.  And I found labyrinths are as relaxing and enjoyable as I paint, in dazzling colors.  During the painting I found that I have my favorite pattern, Shepherd's Race (originated in Roman times), which is not commonly found- most labyrinths tend to be Cretan, Chartres, or Santa Rose.  And I found, very therapeutic in the aftermath of finding out I am childless not by choice.

I decided to use this opportunity to show some paintings I had completed- although I had not taken photos of a few (I forgot before I gave them to friends).

Each labyrinth has their own story.

Children's play, 

Heart's Journey 

Process into Mediterranean Tear

Mediterranean Tear (Shepherd's Run)

Process in Buddha's Flame

Buddha's Flame (triple pattern)

Process to Sunset Blvd

Sunset Blvd (Shepherds' Run)

All that had been done since last summer... 

I hadn't painted since November 2011 to February 2012, when I went in and out of tests about my uterus issues, including finding out that I can't have children- grief started then in December.  I had then painted one painting before the February surgery, which is this one.....

Roman Weeps (Chartres)

I had also completed one other labyrinth painting, but at this time, I'm not ready to share it with the world... 

The title- Stone of Womb

10 days after the surgery, I up and went to fetch art supplies without thinking. Completed in 7 hours, the labyrinth came out of my heart onto the canvas.  With tears of grieving and fingers of perseverance. 

Heavenway (Chartres) 

I do have intentions to paint more...I have some colorful spirals running loose in my mind.  Someday.  

Bucket List

Reading the post, This Path in Life; To Do list, the author was talking about her to do list/resolution list. Her concerns was about production and finding motivation to complete.  I totally get her.   I had set up a bucket list last year, (and reassured folks that I wasn't dying, just that I want to leave the bucket list open for the rest of my life to finish without rushing.)  So I decided to check my old blog's post that I had put up last year.  I was both pleased and resigned at the same time looking at the items.

Well, at least I'm not in any hurry-

Learning
Ghost Hunting 101 at University of Louisville/Delphi Center ( Completed in May 2011)
Writing/publishing a book. (In process- a nonfiction)
Sand Tray techniques
Learn how to make a tube drum (January 2011)
Advanced labyrinth facilitating (Level 2)
Disaster Mental Health/Red Cross

Self-Care
Walk 100 labyrinths. (So far, 13 in IN, LA, KY, DC, MD 2011, 3 in 2012)

Stop being the peacekeeper and stand up for myself. (In process)
Make a list of things that make me happy- small, big, profound, simple (March, 2011)
List about what you really like about yourself. (ongoing)
Do an unplugged day at least 15 days per year. (ongoing)
Ask friends to do compliments about me, (words, artwork, whatever!) and make a poster.


Books
The Happy Book (In process)
Feminism: The Essential Historical Writings
He's a Stud, She's a Slut and 49 Other Double Standards Every Women Should Know
The Feminine Mystique (April, 2011)
Sexual Politics
All About Me.
I am more than my infertility.

(the list is long..I'll keep 'em on Goodreads- you can look 'em up.)
Make a list of your favorite childhood books and explain why you love them.

Community
See The Vagina Monologues
See the plays-
  "Into the Woods"
  "Les Miserables"
  "Wicked"
  "Mamma Mia"
Participate in Vagina Monologues (If you know V-Day w/ deaf themes in 2012 or 2013, ring me up!)
AIDS Walk (September, 2011)
Habitat for Home in New Orleans
Set up a community activity of creating a labyrinth of shoes, then donate shoes to a women's shelter
Do a cheer-up package for a friend or three. (Completed in April and December 2011, and February 2012.) 

Art
Create a mosaic of a labyrinth.
Learn how to make bead jewelry
Paint again. (so far, 17 paintings!)

Start and finish a quilt.  (June 2011)
After going to an event of your favorite activity (comic, science fiction, romance convention) and get freebies, do a bulletin board with the collection.
Scrapbook on collection of postcards (March 2012)
Make a book of favorite recipes to send to a close friend
Donate some art to an organization (September 2011)
Do a room in purple and silver


Health
Exercise 2-3 times a week.(ongoing)
Go to the park with the dogs once-twice a week.(ongoing)
Make healthy dishes from scratch (ongoing)
Do yoga at least twice a week (working on it)


Charity
Volunteer for clean-up at a national park (July 2011)
Donate hair for Locks of Love and in honor of my aunt, cancer suvivor. (No luck! Will try again)
Freecycle listing of the television and entertainment center (May 2011)
Donate money to a non-profit organization fighting domestic violence (February 2011)
Provide my time and canvas labyrinth to an organization with DV/SA survivors to learn self-care and love.
Donate money to Green Project- New Orleans
Make cookies and donate to a soup kitchen.
Make a dish to donate to Occupy Louisville


Just for fun of it
Kentucky Renaissance Faire
Get a tattoo of triple labyrinth on the shoulder
Get the frog tattoo refreshed/re-colored.
Try hot balloon riding.
Try a new food each month. (ongoing)
Send beanie dolls to American soldiers (anysoldier.com) (January, 2011)
Take pictures around the town, with quirky things and create artwork from photos.(ongoing)
Go naked, fingerpaint/paint the walls (in the shower) and self.
Watch a meteor shower at the wee hours of August (August, 2011)
Attend a Comic book convention.
Go to a Science-fiction con.
Have your 'gnome'(my stuffed Erif Horse) at weird places taken with photos! (In process)
Blow bubbles at your porch and observe visuals through the bubbles.
Play with playdoh- do the 10 things with them (your name, an image of yourself, cupcakes, animals, landscape, and so on.)(January 2011)
Make the perfect kid's day menu and eat the food on the menu- you ARE a kid that day!
Dragon-con in Atlanta, GA
Comic-Con in San Diego, CA

Vacations/Trips
Wisconsin, (January 2011, June 2011)

New Orleans, LA (March 2011)
Nashville, TN (country music sightseeing)
Waverly Hills Sanatorium (October 2011)
Star Trek Exhibition/Louisville Science Center (February 2011)
Frazier International Historical Museum (February 2012)
Ventriloquist museum- Fort Mitchell, KY (only museum about ventriloquists in the world)
National Underground Railroad Museum, Cinn, OH.
Gravity Hill in Princeton, KY.
Kansas City, KS/MO (December 2011)
Pet Haven, Shepherdsville, KY.
Centralia, PA
Ireland
Nova Scotia, Canada

Like I said, I'm not in any hurry...    I'm taking a time out to focus on myself, although I won't say no to blowing bubbles and painting now and then...

Hope that gives you ideas-   is there anything you would like to do, on whims, dreams, small and large, short and long-term?  Share, if you'd like.

Fuzzy kids

I have two kids-  the furry type, that is.  Lola, "Whatever Lola Wants, Lola Gets", and Hairy Potter, thro he has no resemblance to that burnette wizard with glasses. 

Lola

Hairy Potter

I have always loved animals since I was a baby.   We had even Simaese cats sleeping in my crib while I was a baby...(and yeah, I lived, so that Myth of cats sucking breaths from babies isn't real.)  We had cats, dogs, fish (and I'm telling you...MAKE sure that you don't get guppies with bigger colorful fins or you'd have to deal with baby guppies!), hamsters, guinea pigs, snakes, gerbils, etc.   What animals I didn't grow up with were ferrets.  Cute, but smelly.  Horses were in the picture, with a lot of bareback riding, apples and kisses.  Some of my relatives live on farms, so we have farm cats- feral, that is. 

Anyway, I have found interacting with animals more comfortable and enjoyable than with people, most of the time. After all, who'd kiss you with an unconditional lap of tongue or receive a contented purr from the chest while cuddling?  Also death came as natural, with the first dog being put down when I was very little, and of some cats disappearing, and of poking at cold bodies of hamsters; as well with new life, of a dog giving birth to 5 puppies, or of adopting two kittens. 

Watching the mother dog giving birth to the puppies was quite an eye-opener.  I experienced joy seeing the new puppies, but then despair when I found one puppy dead the next day.    A new mother cat, not yet dropping kittens, hovered around me, not wanting to give birth unless I could get a box and put it next to me.  I watched The Crosby Show, keeping my hand on the mother cat's stomach gently, as she gave birth to kittens.

Experiencing those, made me more curious about human repoduction, especially pregnancy and having a baby.  I started to ask family, "Where do babies come from?" Of course, we know the answers to kids...

Anyway, I do believe loving and taking care of creatures,that have hearts, helped me understand better of how babies can trust you, and to love you unconditionally, and to expose worlds overlooked, and that was what I looked forward to, for a start.  


One reason a dog can be such a comfort when you're feeling blue is that he doesn't try to find out why.  ~Author Unknown

Dreams

Before I go on about what I was starting to find out, starting in September, 2011; I want to tell you a bit about me and my dream of having children.

I grew up, independent as encouraged by family, to be self resilient.  I did that despite the frustrations of communication.  Why communication?  I am Deaf.  Yes, you read it right, I'm Deaf.    I use both English and American Sign Language.  I loved to read as a kid, and I still do.  What I didn't like to do- was playing with dolls (like Barbie or baby dolls), dress-up or house as a kid.  I have read of women saying they dreamed of having kids while playing with dolls, changing diapers or feeding the dolls, even collecting numerous baby/child dolls and clothes when they were girls.    Me, I didn't like dolls, but for stuffed animals (horses and wolves) and Breyer horses. 

I had been a tomboy as long as I could remember, and it helped that most children in the neighborhood were boys, and most of my cousins were boys (except for one girl on mom's side, and two girls on dad's side).   I'd grab my bike to go riding with the boys, exploring the world out there, playing Jedis vs Empire (our version of Cowboys and Indians), climbing trees, pretending I'm on another world fighting dragons while rescuing princesses or towns, etc.    Granted, I did play a bit of Barbie with my girl cousin, only if we could include Breyer horses so we'd have a doll riding the horse, "Horsie, horsie!  I need to ride, so I'd rescue Ken!" 

Nevertheless, when I could see real babies during my childhood, I'd dash toward the baby just like a bee to honey.  Looking at the mother, wiggling my hands, my eyes questioning.  Often than not, the mother would smile and hand the baby into my arms (or on my lap if I was sitting).   I loved holding the tiny hands, staring at the sleeping baby's face, smelling the baby powder.  I loved carrying the baby and would try to play with the baby "goo-goo" babbling, laughing, and peek-a-boo, before I'd reluctantly hand the baby back to the mother.

Throughout my young adulthood, so many friends exclaimed how their babies would be fussing and screaming, and I'd come and say, "hand 'im over here."  Once the baby settles in my arms, something amazing occurs.... silence, or soft cooing.  You could hear a pin drop in this content silence.   Babies would curl up in my arms, studying my face as if they are seeing something that is there that makes them calm. 

My jobs throughout years included care-giving and supervising group homes, rehabilitation instructor and other human services that included working with clients, the range covering from mental illnesses to development disabilities.  People, either co-workers, supervisors, or parents/guardians told me the very same thing, "you are a natural!" as they look at the clients who had caused high turnovers among staff, now calm and self confident, or at least starting to become semi-independent.  "You have so much patience.  You listen, you believe in them, even when they didn't believe in themselves in the first place."  Often I had heard "you're a mother hen!" when I'd walk in to team meetings or staff meetings with my nose flared, with angry determination to advocate for the clients in whatever they need toward independence, autonomy and support.  "You should have children, you'd be a good mother!" 

I'd smile and say, "Thanks- but not now.  But I'll get to that later!" 

I imagined that I'll get to experience motherhood, to explore the swelling of my belly, the hormones and morning nausea and at last, to hold the baby in my arms after labor.  I'd walk through the baby section at department stores and smile while imaging my baby wearing this piece of clothes, or playing with that toy.  I touched baby comforters and quilts, dreaming what the nursery would look like, and what the kid could want in his room while growing up. I looked at books, with hoping that the child would like to read too, me introducing her to worlds at her fingers.  I hiked and fished, thinking "it'd be more fun with the kid, seeing the world through his eyes!"  I handled an adolescent godchild or two, with their attitudes, with delight, knowing that it is good practice for when I'd have a child growing into a teenager. I saved things from my childhood in goal of passing them on to my kid, knowing that they'd even like that, such as my childhood books or the quilt that was given to me as a baby from my great grandmother.   I would look at cousins or friends' babies, holding them, kissing them, and think, "I can't wait to have my own baby!"

Guess I shouldn't have put all my eggs in that basket.

Plans

Throughout my life, I have had a variety of dreams like everyone.  I dreamed of being a writer and a biologist.  I dreamed of living in New York City or London.  It was a dream of mine to go into education for doctorate studies in psychology and counseling, or to teach about mindfulness and holistic self-care.  As everyone have dreams like that, less or more, including love, marriage, children and seeing surprise dawning upon a child at peek-a-boo, with laughter following.   That's what I dreamed, too.

I admit that I had long term planning, as organizing as going to school, finding a satisfying career, traveling and exploring worlds out there, settling down and having a child or two, with or without a partner. That's how I worked it out. 
Twenty years ago, I was too young- there was so much life offering to me, and I wanted to seize that without feeling obligated to have a child that society expects of us women.  I also knew I had a lot of things to work on, especially with healing spiritually and emotionally. Not something that'd be easy to do in a few months or even years. 

Ten years ago, I felt it was not the right time, especially with me in middle of schooling, being productive with my career and exploring worlds out there.  After that, experiencing a traumatic life-changing incident where I had to re-learn to put socks on, feed myself and walk, all over again, I realized life is too short.

With that in mind, I went head-long to complete goals, finishing graduate schooling, finishing learning of wondrous training I had always dreamed of getting, traveling through England and Wales, and experiencing a lot of extraordinary things that many people would never experience in all their lives.

But of children, I told myself, "I need to find someone I can trust and love, with communication and support. As a team. I will not marry someone just to have children, which I felt for me, is selfish- using the spouse for the purpose of breeding only.  If I cannot find someone with belief of equality, balance and support, I will do it by myself, somehow."

I was ready last summer, starting to brainstorm what I need to do to get pregnant. A plan was developing with joy and eagerness to see it all bud into bloom.

"The best laid schemes of mice and men / Go often askew."
John Steinbeck

Cards

After days, even weeks, I had been juggling on whether to write a blog on my experiences from the beginning and what I'm going through currently:  infertility.  Just one word, but it is something fearsome especially if one wants children and fear, "Will I ever have children?"

I have looked at many infertility blogs and realized something remarkable yet different.  I sympathize with the women and men struggling with inferility, nevertheless they still have....

Hope.

By that what I mean, they go through medical procedures to figure out what's wrong, and to find options in increasing their fertility; which may include taking fertility drugs, IVF (in vitro fertilitization), surgery, artifical inseminsation, gamete intrafalopian transfer (GIFT), Zygote intrafallopian transfer (ZIFT), intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI), and donor eggs/sperms.  Surrogacy is included as well.

Hence, there are options, giving the sense of hope that somehow, one will pull up a good hand of cards and end up having a newborn in their arms. 

The difference for me is that I had a 'deck of cards' not yet opened, and then I didn't have it anymore. 

So you're welcome to walk the path with me as I figure how this is going to affect my life.