Life goes on.

This month had thrown a lot of cold water in my face repeatedly.

 A new medical condition.  Finance struggles.  A dying friend. 

The medical condition- I'm currently working on it.  I'll live.

Finance struggles- I'm currently working on it.  I'll survive.  

The dying friend?  Not so.  

I knew she was suffering in great pain, yet I was telling myself she'll recover.  She will be okay- just give it a bit more time.  

I was at work when I got the call to come to the hospital.  It took me three hours, and I was not familiar with the area of hospitals (why do some hospitals have to cluster together in one area?!). So I decided to park somewhere in an underground garage parking, thinking I'll find out where the right building is once I get to the first floor and ask.   I got on the elevator, and pressed the button for the first floor.  

The doors opened to a scene that I'd rather go without.

Labor & Delivery- registration.   

Pregnant women waiting to check in.

Definitely cold-water shock!    

I quickly left the floor as I could, but I was already reeling in shock.  I was outside, focusing on not railing at the world publicly.   I managed to find the right building (three buildings away).   Walking down the hallway, I found myself overwhelmed with rerunning the visual of the labor ward/floor over and over in my mind, while trying to remind myself "you're here for your friend. You're here for your friend."  

I couldn't think of my friend.  I got to the room, and opened the door- to see her lying in bed, looking really bad.  

It's like something *switched* in my mind, now fully attending to her, forgetting my own emotions.  

Standing next to her bed, seeing her unresponsive, struggling for the next breath, I knew then she was not going to recover.  

Talking with family relatives there, sharing stories and soft chuckles, hugs and tears, I knew then we are there for her, and for ourselves, to remind us death is nearby, a friend, and that life goes on. 

After hours, I leaned to kiss her cheek, not knowing if I would see her again before she passes away.  I returned to the first building, realizing I'll have to go to the lobby where the elevator would take me to the underground parking- the Labor & Delivery.    

I came in the lobby, standing still.   And I realized something.  

Life is everywhere, even being the other side of the coin, Death.   

I took a shaken breath, and went to the elevator, which opened before I could hit the button- to show a very pregnant woman and her husband. The woman smiled at me before passing me.  I went in the elevator, and went down, to my car all in silence.   Got behind the wheel and started driving the way home.  

Stayed up overnight to create a labyrinth painting, in which I named "The Fade."  Looking at it, I was reminded of something I had forgotten-  of the Hopi seeing the labyrinth as new life and reincarnation.  The Labyrinth being the womb itself, in which one comes in and out as new life, reborn.   So the seeing the pregnant women echoing something I yearn for, yet the dying friend reflecting something I had forgotten, in which she will still live in my memories, ever meeting me on my circular path  with remembrance.  

You okay?

A friend just had finished a combination of chemotherapy and medication to treat a type of cancer she's going through.  I was over her house making goulash and tidying her house up, while she was recovering after the appointment.   Over tea, she told me that she is very sick of folks asking her "you okay?"  She was touched in the beginning, but later on, after being asked hundreds of times, she was thinking, "was I reassuring them or me?"   

I understood her question completely.  I, too, had gone through a phase after the surgery, where I didn't want to be asked if I was okay, all because people wanted to make themselves feel better by asking me, not really wanting to know how I was feeling, so using that yes-no question was safe for them. 

Very few had asked me how I was feeling, encouraging me to share whatever I wanted to talk about. That was much appreciated, and personally touching.

I suspect, from that experience, that had contributed to my awareness of how to interact with people suffering through something very tough for them, including my friend with cancer.   To give what I can, to be open with them, including getting shit (and not taking it personally) from the person hurting, and not to ask them "you okay?"

Sometimes, that's all is needed.

Pillar of awesomeness

This post is scheduled during my absence.    (It was supposed to appear during my absence, it didn't- harumph)

A few months ago, a close friend and I have been chatting about when we could get together again.  Impulsively, I tossed out "how about a road trip- just like Thelma and Louise?  Without the cliff ending, that is!" 

After laughing so hard, she LOVED that idea!  

Now....we are in the almost end of the road trip, going across the Old South-  Memphis, Jackson, Baton Rogue,  New Orleans (most of the time in that Big Easy!), Huntsville, and all.  

BBQ.  Lighting ceremony of Elvis' home.  Games and laughter. 

Kayaking.   Cabin.  Crawdads.  

Vintage buildings, throwback to 1950's and dark roux.  

Crawdads, masks, carousel, swamps. 

Oak trees, shrimp & grits, 2 am dancing. 

Soul food, plantations and streetcars on the st Charles street. 

Eye candy, tacos and art markets. 

And best thing through it all?   The laughter, the tears, the sisterhood. 

R- seriously- you're awesome!!!    When it comes to example of awesomeness, you're the pillar!  

Toxic friendship

There was someone I was hanging out with a few months; I had started to notice things, that were RED ALERTs of the friendship being toxic.  

I notice after visits, I found myself not liking myself, double-guessing my own behavior and thoughts, even wondering why I feel lousy.  

Red flag. 

Excessive talks about exercise, dieting, and valuing looks (even hundreds of photo poses on Facebook!), looking at me, saying "Why can't you be like me?  Obviously you don't like yourself."  When I tried to say something to point out that we have different lifestyles, I was told "don't be so defensive, god, you're so sensitive!"   So I fell silent, feeling no matter what I'd do, I'd still lose.  

Red flag. 

I started watching what I am saying in conversations, to avoid blowups and tantrum fits- it was easier to say "yes" and "whatever", than to share my differing opinions.  

Red flag. 

When disclosing a bad experience (i.e. a dog getting sick) or even small things (i.e. getting lost in a town on way to a meeting), I get laughter, mocking comments "you twit, how can you get lost?!" or "If she is sick, put her down- so?" 

There were several other red flags, but I selectively ignored them because...

I didn't want to feel alone.    It was getting harder and harder to find people, either childfree or CNBC; and so many times I'd contact a friend to find that she's busy with a daughter visiting, or another parent friend not having time even for a phone chat (even when we scheduled it when kids would be asleep.)   So having someone who is childfree AND local, that's a plus.

Nevertheless, all this came to a stop when I decided to invite him to a labyrinth ritual three weeks ago, (a church invited me to attend a private labyrinth walk, and I was told I could bring someone.) I thought he'd appreciate that since he had been curious about my passion about labyrinths.    I noticed he brought his camera, so I explained that he might need to ask permission of the priest to take photos of the labyrinth ritual and people participating (during the ritual, silence and personal inward journeying can be sober and private).

That's when he went off.  Ranting about having the right to photograph whatever he wanted to, wherever he wanted to.  When I'd say something, "I can see how you love your photography, and you are a good photographer, and how this could  upset you, but this is a church.. You CAN ask the priest.....", he would go off again, saying that the church should appreciate his photography, to show the world about labyrinths...this went on for a while.  

I found myself bursting into tears.  I was taking him to a place that I love so much, and I felt violated.  He then started to belittle me, "crybaby, overreacting."  

I stared at him, and I suddenly thought to myself, "What's wrong with him being abusive?"  I shut down my emotions and told him we're going back- I will not take him to the labyrinth.  He said "whatever, I don't want to go anyway, with you being negative."  

Suit me just fine.  I dropped him off.     Later on, he sent me a photo of my dog,  "she's so cute!" I figured he was trying to apologize in his way or testing the waters-

I'm not taking the bait.  

I talked with some friends to figure out where I was going wrong.  R pointed out, "Wait, wait...you didn't do something wrong-  HE's the one who is messing up with you, making you feel lousy, its all about him going 'me-me-me.'"  I got confirmation of what she said, from other friends, that's it's not me.  It was him, toxicity in the 'friendship.'  

For the last three weeks, I didn't contact him.   It never entered my mind 'til today, when I realized I'd need to get copy of my key from him (when he needed to use laundry occasionally.)   

I told him that I'll come by to get the keys back, when he said he'd come over. I told him no. I already stated that I will come by. He wanted to talk about his trip to college, how lonely he feels, blah, blah-  I stared at him and said, "I'm sorry to hear that you feel alone, but I don't see how that relates to me here getting my keys."  I told him due to what happened recently, I don't feel safe with him anymore, and that to keep his distance from me.  He was, of course, upset, raging "You'll be sorry!  People don't like you!"  I looked at him, shrugging before getting into my car.  I know one thing for sure- he's out of my life, permanently.  And good riddance to that.  

End of this toxicity.    

The geek in me, just had thought of this movie "Aliens", and Hicks (my favorite hero) saying something very simple about ensuring the end of Aliens (nuking the site invaded by Aliens).  

Yes, that means I'll still deal with social isolation especially with parent friends in town, that speak my language.  Harder to find childfree or CNBC folks who can sign...  I can still talk with childfree/CNBC friends on Facebook, email or phone.  

But you know what? I'd rather have that than dealing with a toxic 'friend'.   

Stay mum or not.

I wrote this post six months ago- overlooked it it'til now.  Sorry about the delay.  

There was someone I have felt close to. She too dealt with infertility- the bottom line is that she said she had made peace with her infertility, not being able to be a mother; now she's in her early 60's. I have known her for more than fifteen years. I had looked up to her for many things, seeing her as a mentor for the religious path I have been on for over 20 years. Now on my childless path, I had looked up to her through the months going in and out of the hospitals, and when it struck me that I wouldn't be able to be a biological mother. I I still vividly remember when I was crying on phone, she said, "Go ahead and cry, cry it all out of your heart. Listen to me, don't obsess about it too long. Don't waste all your time on this. I got over it soon enough, and so will you." 

When I found myself still down 3 months after the hysterectomy, I started to think something was wrong. After 8 months, I was thinking "am I obsessing over it? Am I not letting it go?", drowning in self-guilt and self-doubt. It took reading blogs like Life Without Baby, The Road Less Travelled, Real Life & Thereafter, Serenity in Chaos, and books like "Silent Sorority" by Pamela Tsigdinos, "I'm Taking My Eggs and Going Home: How One Woman Dared to say No to Motherhood" by Lisa Manterfield, and "Unsung Lullabies: Understanding and Coping with Infertility" by Janet Jaff, Martha Diamond and David Diamond. There are more blogs and books that I could read, but to me, those blogs/books I listed are more significant- helping me realize that:

"Grief is not a straight path, it's a continual cycle, very much like a labyrinth with its countless turns and stripes short and long. Uphill, downhill, it's all that."

"Not everyone experiences infertility alike. No one walk the same path. Each person goes it her way, with individual coping, access to support, and courage on their own time."


That was the catharsis for me; I had to let go of my expectations and society's expectations on how I:

"should complete my grief,"
"should move on,"'
"should shut up, be quiet."

I have been an advocate for women power, Deaf community, HIV/AIDS education, awareness of child abuse, domestic violence, more, for long as I could remember. So, returning to advocacy, as a tool to help myself heal, while noticing how infertility, childlessness and childfree life are still overlooked and/or judged in society's eyes, I was thinking, Why not? This is something I can do. Empowering people and empowering me. I walk the walk, and I can say "have been there, done that- and I got this stinkin' T-shirt."

So in time, I would share a post or meme about infertility here and there on Facebook, occasionally...testing the waters.

Mostly, I'd get a few likes, two or three comments affirming or at least, asking how this happened to me and/or how they could help someone infertile in their family or among friends.  

I felt emboldened, to share some more posts, although I drew a line at 'oversharing' because even I don't want to focus on infertility alllll the time in my life. I keep a balance as possible, mostly advocating and supporting causes, (including fighting against domestic violence and oppressing women). I like to share positive memes, introvert memes and geek memes- What can I say? 

Anyway, there would be some dry weeks without a post about infertility, then 2-3 posts a week. I did notice when I would experience depression (trigger of pregnancy announcement, or a glimpse of a baby), I'd start looking at infertility and/or grief posts/articles to validate and comfort me, normalizing what I'm going through. From there I'd find a good article to share in goal of making the word infertility public; to share that infertility exists for someone in your life- if it's your sister, your cousin, your best friend, or your teacher. Or at least you know that you're not alone in this.

A day before Infertility awareness week, I was already 'down' due to a friend who had recently have her baby. I congratulated her about her son's birth and sent her a baby gift earlier that week. That's the best I could do, while hiding her (which I tend to do with friends/relatives- when they announce being pregnant, or going through pregnancy, I hide them. I say nothing. It's for my self preservation.) Anyway, looking forward to advocating awareness about infertility, I had already shared a article about how to be supportive to infertile friends earlier that week. That day, I noticed I had a private message from the dear friend. I was quite aghast of the horrid tone in the message, chewing me out for being open about my grief,, posting "8-10 posts about infertility DAILY", "taking up all her new feed with all negative posts", "it being a friggin' year of this." And right after that, she de-friended me.  

I was quite flabbergasted. I even had a friend check my page to see if I truly post infertile stuff "8-10 daily" as I said in one recent post; turned out that accusation wasn't true. I had to talk with a good friend who is also an IFer. More we talked about my response to the email, it drew upon me.

It wasn't about me. It was about the friend's own pain of her infertility.  

I tried to put myself in her shoes- back then there'd be not much support in 1980's. No support groups on Internet, or at least forums to talk it out. It would have been lonesome for her and other women back then. It might be presuming of me to say this, but it might be easier to sweep it under the rug, to pretend that it didn't hurt anymore. I could be wrong, although.

Me, I chose not to pretend that it was 'all fine'. After struggling thinking I should put a deadline on my grief, and learning I didn't have to. The journey is mine, not anyone else's.

I chose to face my grief, and I chose to be public about my childlessness/infertility- in goal of removing the sting of taboo, normalizing and shrinking sense of stigma from the word 'Infertility. More I speak up in advocating, more women (and men) have contacted me privately, thanking me for putting the spotlight on this issue. They are not ready to open their hurt to the world, yet they appreciate that they are not alone anymore.

So that led me to realize that the friend possibly experienced re-opening wounds of her infertility; maybe that she hadn't proceeded through her own grief. Hence, it's pretty easier for her to lash out at me outward, instead of looking inward of her own pain.

That furthermore led me to realize three things-

I had hid certain people who go through pregnancy, for self preservation.. Why couldn't she have hid me for her own preservation?

I moved some people to close friends or favorites, where I could see their posts while NOT seeing others' posts. Why couldn't she selected close friends in new feeds where she'd see their posts, not mine?

She could have de-friended me; well she did. After sending me that horrible email, that was. However, she could have done this all along before now then- why waiting a year and some to do so, doing it as a dramatic exit?

I don't know the reasoning behind this. I just wish she could have talked with me about her reactions, her perceptive about me sharing posts about the topic she is not comfortable with. The email's message was absolutely unnecessary. I feel sympathy for her, and what she had gone through; I also understand how she chose to face this devastating trauma. However, I am not definitely happy how she projected herself upon me, putting a deadline of grief/healing on me, and when I didn't, she chose to think that something was wrong with me. She forgot, I'm NOT who she is.

How I address my grief, how I choose to draw strength from advocacy and helping people, refusing to 'sweep under the rug', that is certainly not wrong for me.

That's the difference between her and me.

http://cdn.ebaumsworld.com/thumbs/video/1990574/82280914.jpg

My house.

You came in the house.   You looked around, noticing the placement of furniture.  The decorations.   The curtains.  The lights.  The texture of the walls, and the floor.  you went, "Hmm."

You immediately imagined how you'd change this chair from the window to a corner- "it would look better that way."

You gave in and moved a little statue from a side table to the mantle.   Emboldened, you relocated a plant from the corner of mantle to a corner where the window is.

You got yourself hooked- you moved the stuff to another room, to paint the walls in a color you like, "that's who I am."  You replaced the carpet, for something that is more to your taste.

You then found yourself moving around the furniture-  the sofa, now upholestered in a fabric you prefer, is now in the center, not against a wall anymore, "to make it two rooms."  The armchair that was resting in one corner is now at one side of the sofa.   You replaced the shades of the lamps for something you like, "the shades looked so old, time to bring in new!"

You went through the books, tossing out books that made you go "eww" "nasty", and then re-organized the books you determined worthy to keep, alphabetically.

You replaced the art on the wall, that defines you.


Can you see the problem here?

You just changed MY house, into something that YOU like, to define YOU, never mind that it's MY house.
The house, who is an echo of who I am, my personality- and you attempted to change all that to match YOU, to make you feel comfortable, to match your expectations.


That's the problem- 
You tell me how to get better; you're just moving MY sofa to one other side of the room. 
You proclaim to me on what to do with my health; you're re-organizing MY books. 
You give unasked advice about how I "should" handle my grief; you're upholestering MY favorite armchair.
You, uninvited, try to fix the issue that I live with; you're putting artwork on MY walls, pretty much a band-aid.
You get frustrated or angry about how I deal with my own mental/emotional health, on my own time; you're replacing MY carpet for a rug you prefer.
And you declare your displeasure about my journey; you're painting MY walls in your favorite color.

You're trying to change me into someone you think I should be, when it's NOT who I am.   At first I was going to say "I'm sorry for disappointing you, not meeting your expectations," when I realized no... it's YOU who should apologize for trying to change me into someone I am not. 

Would anyone wonder why I'd toss you out the door if you tried to change my house?


******* This post is for us who go through the infertility journey, dealing with good-intended yet hurtful advice, and judgmental comments.  Can also apply for individuals living with chronic illness, grief, trauma, mental illness, domestic violence, recovery, etc.*******

Little boy, big giant.

Almost a year ago, I wrote a post "Small step, big step?" which was about a friend who had a baby, had reassured me to take my time, before I'd feel ready to hold her baby.  I felt both excited and apprehensive at that time.

It's almost a year now.

I hadn't held her baby yet, who is now a 1 year old cheeky toddler.

Now I could look at photos of him.   I find myself smiling when the friend share a story or two of her children, here and there.


But the idea of meeting him....

I'm afraid.


What exactly am I afraid of?


That I'd break down and cry, front of her and her family;

That I'd have to look the friend in the eye the next day, and resent her for being a mother;

That once I hold the child, I'd feel nothing.  Or everything;

Or that I'd find myself back in the cycle of doubting myself, re-examining my life, and trying again in acquiring  a child, knowing I'd go through the frustration and confusion, not knowing what would be the outcome, but likely the familiar taste of grief all over again.

Just a friggin' 1 years old toddler, yet to me, he's Galactus.

http://www.fightersgeneration.com/characters4/galactus.html

P.S. My geekiness  sneaks up here and there.

Brains and laughter

First of all, I'm alive!  No worries. :)   I have been very busy lately in the last two weeks, including volunteering or participating in some Derby events (I'll share some stories/photos later in future posts).  A friend had visited me for a weekend, and I have been hanging out much on my porch, doing a small garden and doing some labyrinth paintings.  Anyway...back to the subject.

Volunteered at the Zombie Run here in Louisville two Sundays ago-  handing out vaccination hydration...err. water.    There was a lovely team of volunteers, some dressed as doctors (I got to wear a lab coat!), and zombies, including two cute little zombies.  Spooky, although.     We had put out cups full of water, thinking it's all finished.   By the third group of runners coming by, we noticed numbers of cups dwindling, we realized we needed to whip out MORE cups and MORE water....  to be safe, we had put out 300 cups of water here on the first (water) stop! Later on, I found out we had 700+ runners. Wow!

 That's when I found out we I love how runners involved humor on their t-shirts and/or costumes:

"Daryl's disciples" (Referring to The Walking Dead, in which there's a redneck character, Daryl..damn hot!)
"Tasty and Fresh"
"Lunch on the Run"
"Fast Food"
"Heroes of the Apocalypse"
"Who Got Brains"
"I like Big Guts"
"Zombie Bait"
 and more!

There were zombies, with so many characters that I couldn't list 'em all...but I'll do my best...

Fonzie the zombie

A hospital lost a doctor...what a tragedy...

housewife- would wonder how she manages to keep her curlers on... 

(Courier-Journal)

There was this neat-o zombie, with several 'slashes' above and below her lips, so impossible to lip-read. That'd be a challenge for deaf or hard of hearing folks who rely on lip-reading... oh wait.. doesn't need to lip-read, just run in the opposite direction!

Here is a video by Thomas, who was volunteer press for this event, so you can get an idea what it's like being a runner dealing with a 5K run with obstacles (zombies and stuff they throw on the road).  

 

This is right front of where our "vaccination hydration site" is...it's hilarious to see this zombie grab at some runners!  (Two little kids you see handing out the cups with water, were members of our team). They certainly stayed calm!  :) 

I certainly had a blast of fun!!!!  I hope I'll do this again-   I know there'll be two other runs; Run for Your Lives, and the Zombie Stampede- so I'll find out when that'll happen here this year. 

P.S.  For folks who might ask "this post is not about infertility"....it's certainly not.  I want to show that there IS life after infertility, childlessness, and that one can put grief and anger aside for a few hours, if not a few days.    

Trek on the NY/NJ

Basically, I had basically a Greek comedy/tragedy experience traveling to the East coast. Repeated delays, broken planes, pregnant seat neighbors and babies everywhere, cancellations and shuttles from one airport to another all in one day!   Despite that, I had a joyous reunion with dearest friend R.

After resting for a few hours, we sat down at the table and made a "bucket list" to complete while I'm here.
Certain goals were very much for self-care, while others were quirks and/or something to enjoy.

There was a friend reunion, with someone I hadn't seen for almost twenty years!  I had gotten a kick out of that he didn't recognize me!  Even with hints, he couldn't figure who I was.  Finally, in mercy, we told him, and he was so happy- couldn't believe that I came all over to see him!  It was nice to reunite with him. There was even eye candy of an Irish Bartender working-  he introduced me to a drink- I should keep this as one of favorites to order in the future-  Pineapple Upside-down cake martini!   It's so yummy!

One day was full of mindfulness and pampering!  I got to do gentle yoga (now I have to see if we have that here!), a wonderful pedicure, with toes painted glorious purple, hugs out of the blue, staying in the present, and chatting over tea at night.  Best day during the vacation!

We got to watch 'Switched at Birth", all in ASL (no voice).  "Uprising"-  if you hadn't seen it, go and watch it!  You are very much welcome to experience my world from the Deaf view.. :)  Was wonderful watching it with R (she's Deaf, too!)

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One of my favorite spots is New Hope, PA.  There is an energy there that one can soak in, warm and loving- very much like sitting front of a fireplace, cozy in your blanket- that's the energy one can find in New Hope.  Meanwhile in New Hope, I got another tattoo at Living Arts where I had my tattoo long ago, of the wolf cub to represent my miscarriage.  This tattoo is of a curvy labyrinth on my calf, which I can lift to trace discreetly while sitting.  I had to hold hands with R, during the applying of the tattoo, due to one area being bone.  A tip to y'all who might consider getting a tattoo....get some lollipops. Don't ask me how, but they sure reduce experiencing pain to tolerable levels.

New Hope and R

 We ended up at a restaurant that faced the Delaware river; Martine's RiverHouse.  OMG, the food there- so good!  For the first time, I had tried duck- eating Duck Salad.   I swear we could hear the ducks outside quacking while I ate the ambrosial meat!  There was a sunset, causing the Lambertville bridge to shadow upon the river.  Something not to forget.  

**************

One other day, we went to New York City-  in goals of checking off one sightseeing of three choices: Ripley's Believe it or Not museum, Madame Tussauds museum, or the Harry Potter exhibition at the Discovery Center- all on the Time Squares.  We picked Madame Tussauds, and I am glad we did! There were so many characters that tickled my funny bone, like Charlie Chaplin; characters that I squealed over, like Johnny Depp; and characters that touched my heart like Amelia Earhart and Marilyn Monroe.    There's so many photos that I want to share, but those has to be my favorite ones. 

With John Elton

R chatting with someone high above the city

After walking through the Time squares, (saw the building where they drop the ball on New Year Eve!), we then went to a restaurant, Elmo, (yes, that's their name.)  in another area of New York by subway. I sampled one of their signature drinks, Black and Blue mojito (full of blueberries and mint)- absolutely to die for!!! I met some neat-o guys, sweet friends of R, and to boot, the waiters... so cute hunks that I'd love to take home!  *Giggle*  

***********

There was pauses in time when we'd just sit down at the kitchen table or on the couch and chat for hours over coffee(me) and tea(R), and those times were precious to me.  She totally knows what it is for me, in my situation, and she gets it.  Not many folks could say that, you know, dear readers?  That's one of thousands of pieces I love about her.    There was tears, there was giggles, there was eyes-rolling, and sighs of exasperation, and there were laughter.  How could one put a price on that?  

To my delight, (although dismay for all other who live in NJ/NY), we even had a snow day!  I was disappointed that there was not enough snow in where I live, so to wake up to a winter wonderland was something unexpected yet exciting!   To R's astonishment, I walked in snow barefoot, to measure the depth of snow; by the way, that was 8 inches.  Yes, I was sad that we couldn't go walk labyrinths that day as planned, but the snow made up for that!  I threw snowballs, playing in snow- I had missed doing that for several years!  

We had a memory lane trip when we went through R's book shelves, including talking about her collection of Laura Ingalls Wilder books, "Misty and Chincoteague" and other books by Marguerite Henry, and Anne Rice's Vampires novels.  Always loving to talk about books!   Currently, I'm borrowing some books from her, including one book I hadn't known that Anne Rice wrote, so looking forward to read "The Feast of All Saints."   

So, the vacation was very much what I needed-  away from everything, to focus on me only.  I am Jules, just not childless and sad infertile, not therapist, not advocate only, and that was what I needed to dunk myself in, to reunite with myself, on vacation and with wonderful friends. Thank you, R- heartfelt!  

By the way, I got to check some stuff off the bucket list, so I look forward to review that by end of 2013!  

Freedom

Out of here for 11 days.  

http://riskinq.tumblr.com/post/41558250132






I'll share tidbits and photos when I"m back!  

A holiday away with the dearest friend!

A few days before the first anniversary, I up and went to call a friend on videophone-    I told her I want to get out of here and spend time with y'all.   She smiled, "come hop over here!" 

That very same hour, airfare was bought.   Plans were made, both tentative and set for 11-days holiday.  

I will be with my dearest friend, R.  We have met at a school for the Deaf in New Jersey, she's younger (a bit) than me, but we are both young spirits and old souls, parallel.  I find that we balance each other well.  She's very much adventurous, risk-taking, and outsdoory, while I'm much introverted, thinking things before taking actions, and philosophical.  But then again I find myself adventurous, throwing caution to air, trying new things, and she would find herself sitting in a corner and read a book.  So, as you can see, what a wondrous friendship!  

There were moments when we'd sit in silence, and the world is right.  Other times, we'd be walking at 2am, laughing under streetlights, and everything is good.  Yes, of course, even friendship is without arguments!  What I love about R is that we'd have disagreements, give our say, and still let it go.   I still remember one time when I gave her something of my art; it was an anxious moment for me, not because of her, but of me letting something go.  I joked about giving it back to me if something happens, or if she doesn't like it.  At one point, she snapped out and told her she didn't like what I said, with the implications that I couldn't trust her.   I was flabbergasted- I didn't realize the context of my message to her. I was angry then, but I sat back and thought long.  I walked the grass labyrinth in the field.  I realized there was two messages here- I was angry at her for bringing something up that I wasn't ready to hear- (especially with me starting to think something was wrong with me reproduction-wise), "I was belittling our friendship" and angry at myself, as well, realizing that we are looking at one thing in different ways...  I was putting myself down, thinking that no one would love my art, no one would appreciate it- and hence I was sabotaging  unconsciously by joking left and right that if R didn't want it, she can give it back.  I felt bad about that. 

That was a catharsis there for me- I was trying to set it up for R to fail me, as my uterus was failing me, as the world was failing me.  I felt like someone should have smacked me in back of my head, and go "Do'uh!"

I am grateful that R is straightforward that sense was knocked into me- sometimes I like to think that she is  common sense for me during times I find myself vulnerable.  

There are small things, small gestures, that might be not a big deal to you, but hey, I was craving to eat at a NJ diner (New Jersey is famous for its diners!), and she took me there on the first night back in November.  I know due to a health issue, she couldn't eat certain food- but that didn't stop her from enjoying the diner with me.    She also was there for me during crisis- she up and drove crossing states to stay with me at the hospital after the hit & run.  She came to spend time with me after the surgery-  a pillar of strength throughout it when I was too tired to be strong.  

I made a blanket last December; looking at it, I thought it looked like a hug blanket-  big enough to wrap oneself in, yet not tripping you over.  I immediately knew who deserved that blanket.   I sent R the blanket, and turned out she is grateful- she had lost a cherished blanket, made by a relative, and here is a blanket made of the same fabric from me!  I didn't know of her blanket-  what a coincidence- but then again there is so many coincidences in our lives.  

Infertility, grief, rage, dreams of children, she hears it all, and "heart" (ASL sign, as in taking it to heart) all- as I hear and heart of her joy and hiking on the AT (Appalachian Trail- one day I gotta share her experiences being a Support Service Provider(SSP) to her Deaf-blind friend Roger walking the AT, all the 2179 miles!) and Ireland travels.  I wince as she describes of her getting a physical injury as she smiles at my delight of getting Cadbury eggs. 

Now, I'm going to spend time with her for 9 days, to see some other dear friends, to sample chocolate raspberry lava cake, to get a labyrinth tattoo, to walk among crafts, and to laugh and to live.  To live in colors, instead of gray.

After airfare and plans were worked out and bought,  suddenly I could look beyond the day, the first anniversary.  The sky looks bright, I see birds in the trees, and I smile, a burden swept off my back.  Life is possible after the anniversary.

This image describes me and R perfectly-  let's knock the world down!  

Gangnam and friends, oh my!

Jim Morrison said this:

"Friends can help each other.  A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself- and especially to feel.  Or, not feel.  Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them.  That's what real love amounts to-  letting a person be what he really is."

And friends, you know who you are.  Thank you deeply from my heart.