I basically experienced a "mood swing" for many days, considering when to ask my friend on whether I could hold her baby (by now, three months)-- "I should ask her" on some days, "forget it, I can't do it." on other days.
Last week, on an impulse, I went to her office, and said-asked, "you know I have a nephew...you know my situation.... I want to see how it'd be like for me to hold a baby.... can I hold your baby sometimes later?"
My heart raced insanely, as if I was running in a marathon.
She reassured me that she'd be happy to help out, and that I am to take my time- either do it at her home, or she'd bring the baby by at my place. Just to let her know when I'd like to do that.
I thanked her, and returned to my office.
What have I gotten myself into?
Well...I'm crossing my fingers for you...whatever happens, happens. :-) I think it's a good practice, though. :-D
ReplyDeleteDon't push yourself....only do it if you are feeling up to it. You have nothing to prove to anyone.
ReplyDeleteA few weeks back I had the urge to hold my friends baby...also 3 months old. That feeling quickly passed and I realized that as long as their is anxiety associated with the thought of holding one's baby, then I am not ready yet. I will know when the time is right.
You still have plenty of time before Christmas...and also, I think it will be different knowing it's your nephew.
XO
You know, Kellie- You're right- I just realized that I mentally was trying to prove something to a friend that I had not talked to for a few months since. Guess I hadn't yet gotten over what she had said, of wanting me to be there for her during her pregnancy, despite my pain.
DeleteI need to mull over this.
She sounds a lot like my 'friend' (I use this term loosely)....she got pregnant just a few weeks after our final attempt using a donor. She was upset because I refused to live vicariously through her during her pregnancy. I too think I was trying to prove something to her a couple weeks ago by holding her baby, but I then realized, that I must first take care of myself. She doesn't seem to care about our pain, so why should I put myself through anymore, just to prove something to her.
DeleteTake your time mulling this one over! :-)
(I tried and tried to post this from my iPad over the last day or two, but no luck. Resorting to old-fashioned typing at my desk!)
ReplyDeleteI think the idea of a "practice baby" is inspired genius. You can choose time and place, refuse on sight and reschedule, give the baby back after 2 seconds, know the mother won't mind if you dissolve into tears, or that it's okay if she has to wrestle the baby from you after 2 hours. (just joking) And if you see the baby and realise - in your heart - that of course the baby isn't yours, and that's not the baby you ever wanted or imagined having (we know this intellectually, but we have to be able to feel it I think), then I'd guess you'll find meeting your nephew much easier.
And also, in my experience, the anticipation of "meeting the baby" is always much MUCH worse than the reality!