Sunday, July 29, 2012

Jareth's pearl of wisdom and my shoe

I have been away from blogging for a while.  

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy reading posts of fellow bloggers, especially when I need support.  I like leaving messages on posts, giving support, feedback and more important, to let known that they are not alone.  

Lately I found myself staying away from blogs, both my blog and others blogs.  To give myself a break from emotions, to stay numb for a while.  

Three co-workers pregnant, a cousin announcing a second pregnancy, some articles about babies/children abused and neglected, and the new nephew as we know, was born last week (don't get me wrong, I love him) all in the week since I last wrote. 

The emotions were staggering me literally.  

Time out.

Feeling sorry for myself, while angry at the world for shoving all this in one week down my throat.
I was thinking "That's not fair."

Right away a quote from the movie, Labyrinth (don't laugh, I know I rant about how folks THINK that's a labyrinth when it's not, it's a maze in the movie), back to the point....  I thought, "You said that so often, I wonder what your basis for comparison is?" The Goblin King, Jareth said that.

Good point.

I then found this post from another blog (seems there's always something that 'matches' what I goes every time I scan through blogs, not kidding here!)- Why Not Me? by Quasi-Momma.  She said, " The question of "Why NOT me?" is an interesting one (and a bit of a difficult one) to consider when unresolved feelings rear their ugly heads.  What is it that I possess that enable me to endure this versus someone else? How can I take this something for the better?  What does this serve: not only for me, but for others?"  

I had been through a lot of traumatic situations through my life, including family violence; being a survivor of molestation in childhood; an abusive relationship and its aftermath; finding a murdered woman while walking my dog in the woods and going through court, reliving the rediscovery of the body; surviving a pedestrian hit & run, in which there was a question mark of whether I'd be paralyzed or not, brain trauma being permanent, and more. 

And from all that, I had always wondered, "Why me? What did I do in the past life, that all this is karma on me?"  I had felt sorry for myself until, ironically the hit & run in 2005.  It took me a few weeks, lying in the hospital bed, feeling sorry for myself, when it slammed into me, "Why not me?"  Looking at friends spending overnight at the hospital with me, a friend celebrating the most important holiday with me when he could spend it with family and friends, I realized I wasn't alone. Many friends calling the hospital to kick their ass when it was found that there was no interpreters for me to communicate.  It sure made me feel much humble and loved.  When you're at the worst moment, that's when it is also the best moment for you.  One find out how much unconditional love pouring upon her, literally. 

I remember the morning when I woke up to find my shoe that had been missing from the hit & run, sitting there on the hospital window bottom stool, with soft morning light upon it, with a big purple flower put in the shoe.  I stared at the shoe and flower, wondering who put it there and why the flower.  And I suddenly realized something. 

"This is a new life.  A flower blooming from the old life, the shoe of what I lived through." 

From there, it was an opportunity for me to shed off old habits, old worldview, and challenge myself to push beyond my limitations and basically overnight, I grew from the ever-apologizing, shy, scared of her shadow Julie to bold, wild, assertive Jules, full of perseverance and joy in life. To this day, I still don't know who brought the shoe and put the flower in it. I am eternally grateful to that person...  

When the doctors said I won't be able to walk until next summer, I said...things that are not to be published. 
When they said I won't be able to return to school for a year, I said the same things.
When they said I won't be able to... (a long list of things I can't do), I said, 

I finished school much earlier than expected, despite the mobility scooter (you know, the ones elderly used) and then crutches between three colleges on Auraria campus (You get the idea on how big the campus is...) through snow, rain and heat.  I started walking (with crutches,thro) just four months after hit & run, instead of a year.   You get the idea.

Now with this, with being childless.   The new reality- I'm drawing on my strengths, empathy, and oh yes, perseverance (Teri's favorite word for me).  

So, back to the point, Jareth's quote "You said that so often, I wonder what your basis for comparison is?" to "That's not fair."  Okay- fair is fair, (pun intended) I can't compare mine to others, when we all have different lives, different worldviews, and different strengths/limitations.  What may make me weak, makes other stronger,  vice verse.  What helps is to know when to throw in the towel and ask for help or hugs, and that's the strength overlooked by many.  

So soon or later, I'd answer "why not me?" After all, through this, I had discovered friends, long overlooked, who are there for me.  New friends who help bail water while I row through the storm of childlessness.  Surprising new strengths, of advocating for womanhood and childlessness awareness, and of appreciating simple living (and coffee- I just realized I can drink coffee anytime when pregnant women can't) :::toasting with my chicory coffee::: 

Thursday, July 19, 2012

I'll be damned.

Two days ago, I admit, I had experienced a downpour of tears...

*thunder in background*
 Thanks for the cue. 

...when I got the message that my SIL's water broke.  She was in labor.   That was the first pregnancy/labor since I found out I couldn't have children, even more after the hysterectomy last February.

Hello, emotional breakdown again!

There was a pile of used tissues and empty water bottles multiplying through the day, and I was thinking- "When do I get a break?"   Swinging to the childless/infertility blog list I have on my blog, I was hoping to find support or some word of wisdom.

Path in Life's post, "Hiding" hit me very close.  She wrote about keeping to herself, distancing herself from friends and family with babies. She described how she is perceiving that-Maybe you could call it hiding in the short term, but in my mind it feel like it is more like preparing for the future.

Hmmm.  I hadn't truly thought it in a different viewpoint- but it does make sense...  

That's very simple.  

I'll be damned. 

To set up goals, to check things off list (like my bucket list that I shared in a previous post), and I can also look into doctoral programs (counseling psychology) and setting up my own non-profit business, incorporating skills and activities I love, such as working with survivors of domestic violence, walking labyrinths, re-discovering womanhood and oh yeah, world peace.  To prepare for the future, with what one already has, instead of feeling sorry for oneself on what one can't have.  

Granted, that's very much easy to say, especially with me newly childless- but this is a good step to start soon or later. :)

P.S. And oh yes, my new nephew is beautiful.  He is small in my brother's hands, but someone that I already find myself in love with- a little boy that we can explore together at the comic cons or renaissance faires when he's older, to read beloved childhood books to and introduce night full of  the stars and their stories (like Orion's story), to ride hardcore roller coasters with, a child that will find someone to talk with when he needs space from his parents (love his parents, but you know how it is...!), to pass on the love of books and nature.   I'll look forward to that when I see the new family at Christmas, with small steps, which is good.  That will give me time to prepare for the future, to hold him, and to teach him sign language.     I might as get to test the water by seeing if I can hold a friend's 2 months old baby and see how I can handle that sometimes soon.  Yes, it may mean I'll cry while holding the baby.... I'd like to hold my nephew when I see him in person during the holidays.

But hey, you know what?  I'm okay with that.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012


I don't know what to say.


Going to be an aunt anytime soon.

Tears going down my cheeks.

"You can not have children. I'm sorry."  Two days later, "You'll be an aunt! We're expecting."

Tears drawing rivers at point of my chin.

Months of small talk and rare supportive comments to each other between us through texts, as her bump gets bigger and bigger.

Reaching for another tissue.  And another tissue.

Last night, "her water broke!"

Sending a positive loving statement to the expecting parents, while feeling my heart bleeding.

Curling in my bed, in the fetal position, wishing it is me having a baby.

AM, reluctantly checking in with brother."6 cm dilated."  

Numbness, then more tears.

I'm excited to be an aunt, soon the baby will be born today.

I am afraid of my emotions.  Afraid of how people would think of me for being jealous of my sister-in-law, despite that I love her and her baby coming.

Puddles of tears.

Why can't I have children?

*******  Family relatives, if you find this post-   Please keep your comments to yourself. I know very much what I'm going through.   Be there for S and Z, as they are expecting their baby today-   I'm alone here in town, while everyone else are in other states or with the couple, so I'm already raw today- so I don't need you to draw me a new skin. Thank you for keeping your comments to yourself.******

Sunday, July 15, 2012

In Honor of Childless Awareness Day

In Honor of Childless Awareness Day     You need to click this to read the note.....

I found this on Facebook, and read the note.  I came out thinking,

She nailed it.

I admire her for achieving to where she currently is...and I have faith that we will get there.... on our own time.

Thursday, July 12, 2012


Last week, I was me.

Not childless, nor infertile.

Among the crowds of signing hands, at a convention for the Deaf, I was just someone in the crowd.  I got to socialize with friends that I hadn't seen for years. I chatted with people who didn't know of my background, hence no one asked if I was married or with a partner, and the best thing, there wasn't the dreaded question, "Do you have children?"  

Not even once.  

Not someone who had her heart broken by infertility. Not one who goes through good and bad days during her grief process.  Not a woman who aches for the chance to hold a baby in her arms.  

People who talked with me, saw a Deaf woman signing in her native language, American Sign Language, a therapist, someone passionate about advocacy in the Deaf community and identity, a labyrinth teacher. Someone who laughed with friends.  A wonderful dialogue over multiculturalism with a classmate after not seeing each other for three years.

 An artist speaking with another artist about feeling connected to her art, and laughing over funny comics. Politics and current ethics hotly discussed between two fellow philosophers.  A local introducing a tourist to delicious native food in the neighborhood.


I didn't realize how much I missed that until last week.

 The writer in her blog,Babble 'n Blog, said in one of her posts about normalcy, and of how she realized she had missed that after a crazy schedule of being on and off from work through the holidays last year. She stated, "I hate ruts, but love normalcy. Is that a contradiction or a sign of balance?"

I paused considering that statement.  I don't know about ruts, but does one believe normalcy as a sign of balance?   How do one determine that?  To one, being a single mother might be normal, while not to a two-parent family.  Childless by choice, it might be normal for her with her decision not to have children, which may be alien to families with many children.  

There are women  and men who are childless not by choice.
How do we find normalcy?

That is something I need to think on at this time.

Monday, July 9, 2012


I'm taking a time out to be with a friend who is in town this weekend, away from everything; to enjoy simple things, to laugh, to cry and to just be human.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Close Encounters of the Fifth Kind

I'm sure some of y'all have noticed the movie 'Close Encounter of the Third Kind" showing up on television lately.

For folks who don't know ufology, there are five kinds of encounters when it comes unidentified flying objects (UFOs);

First: visual sight of an unidentified flying object

Second: Visual sighting, with physical effects on animate and inanimate objects.  This could include seeing an UFO, and experiencing sunburn, burning of objects (wood, grass, etc) for two examples. 

Third:  Sighting of aliens either inside or outside of the UFO (picture the big-eyed elf-like alien like in that movie).

Now, that's not what I'm talking about right now.  I'm thinking about the fifth kind, (I'm ignoring the fourth, which means human abduction by aliens for medical reasons, which is scary in its own). 

The fifth kind, as in the purposeful meeting/contact (voluntary/conscious) between the humans and extraterrestrial intelligence. 

Wait, bear with me...  I know you're starting to wonder what is all this about? I thought it's an infertility/childless blog!

I'm wondering, I'm thinking... and I have to ask y'all...  

How do you know when you're ready to look at a baby without breaking down?

How do you know when it's okay to hold a baby and not have tears running down your cheeks?

How do you peer into a baby's eyes and smile without shadows in your eyes?

How?  That's what I'm starting to wonder.  I do see the babies out there. It's easy to see 'em as UFOs, since you won't see 'em again.  

What if you don't want to do that anymore?  What if you want to get closer and touch the soft skin?  To reach out and coax a smile on the baby's face?  

What if you ache to make close encounters of the fifth kind with babies? But you're afraid of getting your heart broken repeatedly.  How do you do encounters with that risk? 

How would you know when you are ready?