I don't know what to say.
Tears.
Going to be an aunt anytime soon.
Tears going down my cheeks.
"You can not have children. I'm sorry." Two days later, "You'll be an aunt! We're expecting."
Tears drawing rivers at point of my chin.
Months of small talk and rare supportive comments to each other between us through texts, as her bump gets bigger and bigger.
Reaching for another tissue. And another tissue.
Last night, "her water broke!"
Sending a positive loving statement to the expecting parents, while feeling my heart bleeding.
Curling in my bed, in the fetal position, wishing it is me having a baby.
AM, reluctantly checking in with brother."6 cm dilated."
Numbness, then more tears.
I'm excited to be an aunt, soon the baby will be born today.
I am afraid of my emotions. Afraid of how people would think of me for being jealous of my sister-in-law, despite that I love her and her baby coming.
Puddles of tears.
Why can't I have children?
******* Family relatives, if you find this post- Please keep your comments to yourself. I know very much what I'm going through. Be there for S and Z, as they are expecting their baby today- I'm alone here in town, while everyone else are in other states or with the couple, so I'm already raw today- so I don't need you to draw me a new skin. Thank you for keeping your comments to yourself.******
((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteI hope it gets easier soon.
(((HUGE HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteGrieve fully and completely...don't hold back...just take your time...
You know, I don't think you should be afraid of your emotions. They're your emotions, and you have a right to them. You're happy and excited that your first niece/nephew is being born. But it is a very painful reminder of what you've lost, what you can't have, and it is only natural that that hurts. If others can't understand that, then they are either stupid or insensitive. (And you know what? I found that when I was worried about how people might see my reactions, I ALWAYS made it worse than it was, I ALWAYS found that they didn't feel so negatively about me. It was me who was thinking the worst.) I think when you first meet - whenever you feel ready - the new arrival in the family, if you hold them with joy for your brother, but with tears for yourself streaming down your face for you, then that's okay too.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I met my new niece 5 years after learning I could never have children - and realised something too. She was a stranger to me - even at only 3 weeks old. And yes, I mourned what I didn't have, but I found it easy to be around CJ because she wasn't mine, she wasn't who I wanted. Does that make any sense?