I don't know what to say.
Going to be an aunt anytime soon.
Tears going down my cheeks.
"You can not have children. I'm sorry." Two days later, "You'll be an aunt! We're expecting."
Tears drawing rivers at point of my chin.
Months of small talk and rare supportive comments to each other between us through texts, as her bump gets bigger and bigger.
Reaching for another tissue. And another tissue.
Last night, "her water broke!"
Sending a positive loving statement to the expecting parents, while feeling my heart bleeding.
Curling in my bed, in the fetal position, wishing it is me having a baby.
AM, reluctantly checking in with brother."6 cm dilated."
Numbness, then more tears.
I'm excited to be an aunt, soon the baby will be born today.
I am afraid of my emotions. Afraid of how people would think of me for being jealous of my sister-in-law, despite that I love her and her baby coming.
Puddles of tears.
Why can't I have children?
******* Family relatives, if you find this post- Please keep your comments to yourself. I know very much what I'm going through. Be there for S and Z, as they are expecting their baby today- I'm alone here in town, while everyone else are in other states or with the couple, so I'm already raw today- so I don't need you to draw me a new skin. Thank you for keeping your comments to yourself.******