Thursday, July 19, 2012

I'll be damned.

Two days ago, I admit, I had experienced a downpour of tears...

*thunder in background*
 Thanks for the cue. 

...when I got the message that my SIL's water broke.  She was in labor.   That was the first pregnancy/labor since I found out I couldn't have children, even more after the hysterectomy last February.

Hello, emotional breakdown again!

There was a pile of used tissues and empty water bottles multiplying through the day, and I was thinking- "When do I get a break?"   Swinging to the childless/infertility blog list I have on my blog, I was hoping to find support or some word of wisdom.

Path in Life's post, "Hiding" hit me very close.  She wrote about keeping to herself, distancing herself from friends and family with babies. She described how she is perceiving that-Maybe you could call it hiding in the short term, but in my mind it feel like it is more like preparing for the future.

Hmmm.  I hadn't truly thought it in a different viewpoint- but it does make sense...  

That's very simple.  

I'll be damned. 

To set up goals, to check things off list (like my bucket list that I shared in a previous post), and I can also look into doctoral programs (counseling psychology) and setting up my own non-profit business, incorporating skills and activities I love, such as working with survivors of domestic violence, walking labyrinths, re-discovering womanhood and oh yeah, world peace.  To prepare for the future, with what one already has, instead of feeling sorry for oneself on what one can't have.  

Granted, that's very much easy to say, especially with me newly childless- but this is a good step to start soon or later. :)

P.S. And oh yes, my new nephew is beautiful.  He is small in my brother's hands, but someone that I already find myself in love with- a little boy that we can explore together at the comic cons or renaissance faires when he's older, to read beloved childhood books to and introduce night full of  the stars and their stories (like Orion's story), to ride hardcore roller coasters with, a child that will find someone to talk with when he needs space from his parents (love his parents, but you know how it is...!), to pass on the love of books and nature.   I'll look forward to that when I see the new family at Christmas, with small steps, which is good.  That will give me time to prepare for the future, to hold him, and to teach him sign language.     I might as get to test the water by seeing if I can hold a friend's 2 months old baby and see how I can handle that sometimes soon.  Yes, it may mean I'll cry while holding the baby.... I'd like to hold my nephew when I see him in person during the holidays.

But hey, you know what?  I'm okay with that.


  1. I get a lot out of blogs in our group from people that have walked ahead of me or the people that are walking along beside me.
    I’m glad to hear of the plans you have with your nephew in the future. We have a special nephew that loves us lets us join in exciting adventures with him. Hopefully we can arrange some adventures with him next week since Grandma is bringing him to our area. Soon he will be 7 and I hope that we can stay involved in his life.

  2. LOVE the shift of focus you have...from thinking of what you don't have to thinking of what you can have in the present and particularly in the future - including doing stuff with your lovely nephew. :-D Go pat yourself in the back! HUGS!!!!!

  3. I had to laugh out loud with I looked at Spock....I just about spit water out of my nose when I first looked! Thank you for that!!
    I admire you and how you allow yourself to feel the pain and grief, but you are able to shift your thoughts and look at the positive side of things and not dwell....something that I find I am struggling with not doing.
    I am looking forward to hearing about your adventures with your nephew in the future. Sounds like they will be awesome!

  4. Hugs! I love the positive spin on this... the ability to see that while you don't feel great now, eventually you will be able to do a lot of cool things w/your nephew. Thinking of you. Take care :)