Forks on the river

 When one looks at the river on the map, you cannot help but observe that the rivers often have turns and forks. Rivers naturally do not go straight, and that is what we experience on our lives as well. 

The COVID-19 pandemic offered a new fork on the river I found myself on.  Nevertheless, there was a discovery that my introversion benefit greatly during the COVID-19 pandemic.  Staying home?  No biggie. Not having to socialize with people?  No problem! 

However, I found a hardship with not having family to rely on, with family living in other states.  The majority of friends live in other states as well.  So introversion had a buffed sense of social isolation, however not totally.  I found myself thinking of many ways to, let say, ease the severity of depression.  Often I found myself driving, with invasive thoughts, or I would be preparing a meal, with a thought, on how sharp the knife was.  

The only anchor was my Lola, the sweet pekingese dog.  Cuddling with her, taking her out for walks, and welcoming conversations outside with people who wanted to say hi to Lola.   

Lola had been there through my infertility journey, and again I found her steadfast during the pandemic. 

When the vet told me Lola had kidney disease in late 2022, with an estimate of up to a year to live, I started thinking how can I live without her?  How can I handle this new fork in my life?   

Loving Lola, tweaking her diet, and increasing dog socialization, Lola became  the center of my life. 

Unexpectedly, I was informed that a puppy had been born- I had asked for a puppy in 2019, but after several attempts, failed pregnancies and stillborn puppies, I forgot about being on the waiting list.  

An email showed up, with a photo of a puppy, eyes still closed, and so "here is your puppy!" from the breeder.   I started to feel guilty and angry, wondering how I could basically love this puppy when I am grieving for Lola, sitting next to me?  How could I deal with this budding fork?  The kayak is starting to wobble. 

I trusted my gut that told me to accept the puppy, and so I welcomed Remy into our  home in early 2023. Lola was already starting to lose weight, but with Remy's arrival, she somehow had gained weight.  They started to play, which was astonishing at that point, when Lola had been sleeping a lot back then, but now starting to act like a puppy herself.   

The vet said that kidney disease had stopped advancing, and stayed steady at stage 2. I started to feel hopeful that Lola could live longer.  The river became calm.  

Do you know that hope can be the most cruel invention ever?  

By April 2024, Lola had started showing symptoms of organ failure, I recognized it was time to let her go.  I brought Remy with us as I took Lola to the vet who had known her all her life, and so could respect the transition.  At that time, I looked back at the river of memories, and realized Lola had a full loving life, the best one could ever ask for.  And she was ready to let go, and I could not deny her.  

Lola was content to sleep on my lap, as she let go, and Remy rested his head on Lola's back as she passed away.   I realized Lola HAD stayed longer to make sure that Remy knows how to take care of me, as I take care of them.  Lola left her heart with me, and I will always miss her.  Remy will be there with me.  

Remy and I are exploring this new fork in our lives. Together.

Reflections.

When I was angry.

Looking back through the journal, I was recalling emotions.

Confusion.
Denial.
Anxiety.
Fear.
Anger.
Bewilderment.
Dizziness.
Rejection.
Bargaining.
Praying.  (okay, that's not an emotion.)
Tumult.
Sorrow.
Anguish.
Indignation.
Depression.
Suicidal.
Sick.
Hurting.
Storm.
Grief.
Ire.
Distemper.
Heartbreak.
Tears.
Heartache.
Flooding.
Numb.
Wretchedness.
Irritability.
Indifference.
Stupor.
Misery.
Lethargy.
Millstone.
Infuriation.
Resignation.
Suffering.
Reluctance.
Emptiness.
Numbness was my best friend.
Emotion-less.
Cloudy.


The thing is that I couldn't put a finger on when I started thinking there is life after infertility.  I believe it was when I realized somewhere, somewhen, maybe with meeting my nephew Eli for the first time at age of 2, or when it was when I was headbutting against an anti who was eager to bully a grieving woman coming in for a D&C for her dead fetus (wanted pregnancy, by the way), or when I realized the Deaf community is behind in its access to full education and almost no voice in politics.

 Somewhere among those, the spark was re-lit within me. When? I don't know and I do not see any point in trying to nail that moment. That does not matter.  What matters is how I chose to live again on my terms. 

Even more when I look at my Pinterest account (don't everyone have  nowadays?), I do see how the collections change with me through the time- there are collections on Infertility blogs, Infertility posts, grief and anger memes, "what if" collections- and there are collections on Geek art, comic books, Tiny houses, racial justice, intersectionality.  The first collections were prominent in 2011 to 2014, while second group of collection started popping up around 2013. Swinging forth and back between the collections.  I see the last time I had posted something in first group (infertility) was in 2015 when I found out I would be an aunt again. "Congrats on being an aunt again. And you're still infertile" was the last post. And I recall looking at that post and was thinking to myself,

"Do I want to feel sorry for myself? Go back into the void, wrapping myself in the comfort of numbness and darkness?"

And my answer.  "Fuck that.  Life is too short."   And made a new collection about 'Womanhood' of how I interpret womanhood- not by the womb to create a baby, but by the capability to create life out of love, passion and perseverance.

And there's a collection in which is basically my 'picture-diary', with the earliest images being dark, stormy, anguish, like crying woman, thunderstorms, cliffs, abandoned buildings, screams, and quotes like ""Don't judge my path if you haven't walked my journey".

Now with recent additions to that collection, I see there is hope, life, passion, wilderness, depth, reading. Michfest. Labyrinths. Protesting.  Art. Self-love. 

And that tells me that I'm healing.

Updates for 2014-2015

I said I'd be doing the bucket list last time I posted here- and forgot about it all.

Is that bad? Nope.  That told me that my life kept me busy.

I have increased in volunteering, participating in social justice and reproductive justice activism lately!    However to talk about my social justice activism would make it all about me, not the communities that the spotlight need to be on.  Please read blogs by women of color; participate in groups run by trans people; and listen with no intention to interrupt or go 'but' to stories of disabled people.  

************

I saw the play "Our Town"  in January 2014.     All I can say is.. it blew me away.     If the play comes to your town, go see it!     Yes, it may feel boring- stick to it and you'll realize how accurate it is to your life.

Actors Theater's 'Our Town'

*************

In the past two years, I had been pressured to give/donate some labyrinth paintings I created to organizations or individuals.    I had not felt comfortable with that; yes I even resented that encouragement, pressure.   That included being asked to give workshops on labyrinth mediation/walking for free.    What gives?   Do one really think that art or education should be free all the time?  

When I paint, that includes the cost of materials, frame, canvas, length of time- could cost between $75-200.  Yet when I put $90-350 on the paintings, I am told that I am greedy.  !!!

When I come to do a labyrinth workshop, that includes mileage, cost of gas, hotel stay, sometimes rental of the room, length of time, and time away from my job.   Yet when I check whether they will pay me for the workshop, (usually 200-450), I'm told that they cannot afford that.  Yet it's okay for me to pay to fill up my gas, drive 150 miles, and pay for overnight stay at the hotel. Okay......

So I had dug my heels in and said no more, I'm not gonna donate/give paintings away, nor do my workshops for free anymore.   Did that stop people?  Nope-   others realized the value- I had sold six paintings in the last six months!  To me,that's a big step.  Workshops-  I had been asked to do a workshop later this year, and they made an offer to pay for the hotel stay and my airfare, so to me, that's a fair trade.


In 2014, I had gone to the Michigan Womyn's Musical Festival, in which I had fallen in love with.  For the first time ever in my life, I felt safe. I could walk down the road at 3am, not looking over my shoulder, which I did so- walking under the moonlight!  Camped among fellow spirits.  Only one minus about that was that there were no workshops about infertility/childless choice/not by choice.  I recall telling members who have been attending the festival for many years as they could recall, that there IS a labyrinth built on the land, and to be told "no there isn't, unless you mean the labyrinth by ribbon over there."  I was persistent- following my gut, and I found the stone labyrinth!  It had been built a long time ago, so many old members let it slide from their memories.

I came back in 2015, saddened that it would be the last year for the festival.  Heartened that I got to give a workshop on the labyrinth walking- in end, the attendees got to see the stone labyrinth- lets hope that whatever happens to the land, the stone labyrinth will be always be there.  This time, my best friend Roni came and experienced the magic of the festival.  I also volunteered most of the time at the orientation/welcome area, the Deaf haven and the kitchen.  I realized from 2014, volunteering was where I was most happy, and so I did that again last year.


I walked in the 2014 Zombie Walk in Louisville- it was a blast of fun!    Saw so many zombies, yet so little time to see them all!
















I took a break from writing the book, since I found myself stuck with the 'writer's block' (obviously here too in the blog!).

For 2014 and 2015 Goodreads, of 150 and 200 books, achieved, although realizing that with that pressure in the last year, I found myself disinterested in reading. So for now, I'm not going to read just for the sake of 'Goodreads' goals, but for my own pleasure.

In 2015, I had done some travels-  to NJ, OH, IN, CO and KS.

I had also lost my grandmother, June back in July.  Throughout growing up, she had been there a steadfast anchor for me.  When relatives hesitated in learning sign language, she dived in and became skillful so we can communicate to each other- she made sure that I was part of the family, instead of staying in the shadows.  She encouraged me greatly to start reading when I was a toddler; she fanned the flames of reading within me, non-stopping in handing me books to consume.  In the last years, she had been a shadow of who she was, due to dementia, no longer remembering anyone, not even me the last time I saw her. So when I got the news she died, I explored the mixture of grief and relief at the same time- feeling relief that her suffering had ended, yet grieving that she is gone.    At the funeral, I wrote her eulogy, echoing her values in reading and writing.  I still miss her.

And my VW Jetta Sweetheart, bought in 2003, had bit the dust only two months ago.  I got a new Kia Soul-   more room for camping trips!

Looking back, the bucket list have looked harder than it was, and so I decided for the next five years, I will stick to the five goals.

Pay off Debt
Travel out of country
Save
Buy/Build a tiny house.
Re-assess my life and see where I want to go from here.

And for the childless not by choice part in my life?    I realized that I AM a mother in other ways.  To my furkids, I am their mom. I am an aunt spoiling my 3 years old nephew, who now finds himself a Star Wars fan like me, and the twins(boy and girl!) just born to my brother and sister-in-law two months ago.  Being a mentor to several young women is enriching.  So in general, I have made peace with the childless aspect.   Of course, the book about me is unfinished, there is a lot more to write- the plot may change.  And you know what? I look forward to surprises popping up on the next few pages.

You okay?

A friend just had finished a combination of chemotherapy and medication to treat a type of cancer she's going through.  I was over her house making goulash and tidying her house up, while she was recovering after the appointment.   Over tea, she told me that she is very sick of folks asking her "you okay?"  She was touched in the beginning, but later on, after being asked hundreds of times, she was thinking, "was I reassuring them or me?"   

I understood her question completely.  I, too, had gone through a phase after the surgery, where I didn't want to be asked if I was okay, all because people wanted to make themselves feel better by asking me, not really wanting to know how I was feeling, so using that yes-no question was safe for them. 

Very few had asked me how I was feeling, encouraging me to share whatever I wanted to talk about. That was much appreciated, and personally touching.

I suspect, from that experience, that had contributed to my awareness of how to interact with people suffering through something very tough for them, including my friend with cancer.   To give what I can, to be open with them, including getting shit (and not taking it personally) from the person hurting, and not to ask them "you okay?"

Sometimes, that's all is needed.

Warmth in cold weather

With cold, very cold weather beating against the windows and door, one has a lot of options of staying warm!

Me:

Cat head biscuits   (recipe: http://www.cookscountry.com/recipes/5906-cat-head-biscuits)   Warm from oven is the best time to eat!

Beef stew  

Beef stew with beer and papika

Heavy and comfortable blanket I made  

Not mine, but same style, same colors- someone copied mine!  LOL

Dogs cuddling up with me

and

That's all one just need to enjoy, with lovin' and spoilin' oneself nowadays, especially with the freezin' weather.  

Stay warm, dear friends and readers!!!   

Tree

Before the surgery, I had always loved the tree- Christmas tree, Yuletide log, Holiday tree as long as I could remember from my childhood.   Looking up at the tree, I had thought the lights as fairies holding candles, stars sparking out of the night, a beacon for Santa Claus to come and drop off presents.    A family tradition to get a tree, decorate it, and bask in the tree lights, with the darkness around us.

Looking back, I realized the tree also was an example of family, everyone getting together front of the tree, to open presents, to enjoy each other, and be reminded of what family is supposed to be.


Supposed to be.

Sixteen years ago, I got a very BIG tree-  7'5 tree, so thick that you'd need two persons on each side, to help decorate the tree (woe be the person in back/corner, having to move by inch, hoping he wouldn't knock the tree down!).   Sixteen years ago, I thought I would have a family; a husband to love, and children to see the magic in their eyes.

(source)

I faithfully put up the tree every year, thinking "next year, I'll find someone and have a child."


I had relationships, however, I couldn't picture myself living with each of those guys permanently, and I was unfortunately right.    The last relationship had burned me badly, and I found that singlehood was much better for me.    I then looked into getting pregnant, and that didn't work out; two miscarriages were the result before I noticed the bump that led to the surgery.

The surgery wiped out my hope of having a family.  Children.


Last year, I found myself reluctantly putting up the tree. I found out that I had an hate-love relationship with the tree.

There would be the days I would look at the tree, with tears in my eyes.  

Some days, I'd glance at the tree, thinking there's still hope.

Other days, I wanted so badly to toss the tree out the window, chop it up and toss it into a bonfire.

After the holiday, I decided the tree had to go.  I donated the tree and ornaments to a shelter for domestic violence survivors, so the survivors and children can enjoy the tree in a safe place.

For the last six weeks, I found myself swinging between a desire for a tree and not wanting a tree.   A friend, who spent the road trip with me, encouraged me to get a tree. We didn't get one- and I found that I'm glad about that.  I love her, but I didn't like the pressure, not when I didn't feel ready.

I still searched for trees while surfing Internet, finding myself annoyed when catching myself doing that.

After talking with my therapist a few days ago, about the tree, I realized something.

The 7'5 tree-  it was for my family to be. My dream children.    Hope for family and children.   

Hence the tree never had belonged to ME. It had belonged to my family that was supposed to happen. 

After the catharsis, I then knew what to do.

I looked at trees, taking my time.    Tonight, I went to Target to get some package boxes so I'd mail stuff to family in Kansas, when I thought to myself "why not look at the trees here?"

I saw that the trees were on sale for 50% off. I went, "well, there's this tree I like, don't know if there'd be any left."

I went around the corner to find that the tree model that I liked, was still there, but no packages beneath the low raiser that the floor model was placed on.  I was thinking fatalistically, "that's that..." when a staff member stopped by and asked if he could help me. I shrugged and pointed at where the tree was, "no more packages. All out."

"We can pack this floor model tree for you, 75% off for you."

Serious? 
Serious?  
Is he serious?!  

I knew then that the tree was meant for ME.    Jules, the woman I am, on my own journey, exploring the world.

I took the tree home.    I put it up, decorating it with new ornaments, with some ornaments I kept from my trips to New Orleans and Britain.

This is MY tree.

Gal Trail

R and I are off on a road trip of the lifetime, through the Old South. Already knockin' 'em senseless in Memphis, Tennessee today!     Tomorrow, Jackson, MS, and then Baton Rogue, LA.

Ciaos!

Back on board!

Had been away for a long while, due to being sick and taking a self care 'vacation' for a few days.   Due to it being October, there is a mixture of sorrow (miscarriage anniversary, the tumor, and several traumatic anniversaries) and joy (bonfires, colorful leaves, costumes, haunted houses, Halloween/Samhain), I knew I needed to be away from everything, including reading others blogs.

I didn't want to think about my childlessness; I didn't want to recall what led me onto this path. I didn't want to relive the grief and confusion.

I wanted to live in the present.  And that's what I did for the last few days.

Gone to Cobb's Haunt, which is a corn maze, with zombies jumping out among cornstalks, grabbing at you.

Cobb Haunt Vignette (from Joseph Phelps)

http://www.jguessphotography.com/blog/2010/07/05/cobbs-haunt/  picture by Jami Guess

You can get an idea what it's like walking in the corn maze... NO lights (except for strobe lights here and there)..I took advantage of the full moon-  took me 32 minutes to get out!  I have to see if I can do that again- that is if Cobb Haunt is open this Halloween (It's my goal to do three places all on one day!)

I went fishing- I hadn't done that for a long while, and so I caught two bluegills.  I hadn't caught that kind before, so I had to google up if there were recipes to determine if I can cook 'em or not.   I also went to a spa to treat myself to a body massage, pedicure and manicure.  I needed that for a long while.

And there were absolutely nothing to do for some days, and I LOVED that.  Freedom to read, catching up on movies, and doodling and painting.

I took my dogs to a pet supply store for their Howl-oween costume contest.  Due to Derby being popular around here, Hairy had a jockey on him! Lola went as a bumblebee-  Sweet Sweet Lola! 

We all got some awesome treats despite that neither had won- but that's all right.  I got to show off my furry kids in their costumes..and had gotten some ideas for next year- perhaps Star Wars or Walking Dead theme.  

Oh that reminds me-  everyone got a kick out of my t-shirt that I wore while walking through the corn maze and the dog contest.  "Walking Deaf"

Nowadays I feel pretty much  human, and it's easier to handle triggers, especially with babies and pregnancy. I recently had talked with friends about Pennsylvania news of a guy being arrested for rubbing a pregnant woman's belly, and there was no pangs of hurt in my heart.    

That tells me that I'm doing it right my way during the journey.  

Flu whammy

Hadn't been to the blog or reading blogs for a long while.  The yucky flu had hit me the week before last,  and while recovering from it last week, I got a flu shot.


Big mistake.

Relapse of flu, with a whammy.

So currently taking care of myself, with ginger ale (Thanks, Amel!!),  my Elfquest (Thanks, Wes!),  my book, Styxx (Thanks, Michelle!!) and soup (Thanks, Pat!!)



Well, on the bright side, I got to get familiar with the chipmunk living near my porch, finding out his preferences for food- did you know that the chipmunks love to munch on stinkbugs?   I found that out while being sick and annoyed enough on smashing stinkbugs that keep trying to get into my place!   So at least my porch is very tidy,thank to the chipmunk, Mr. Clean!

(source)

 

"What did you do for the summer?"

I know I hadn't written much this summer.   Have been busy with the travels, classes, family, activities, and staying in the present.  

108 out of 150 books completed in the Goodreads goal for 2013- Whoo!

Learned how to make mead.

Advanced ghost-hunting class and a ghost hunt at the Talbott Tavern.

Experimented with beading and jewelry. Found out- not my thing, but that's okay!  :)

Sold a labyrinth painting for the first time. (Could I tell you that it felt like seeing a kid off to college?!)

Camped twice, in Natural Bridge National Park and General Butler State Park.

Met my nephew. Family reunion.   Learned how to play spoons with cousins.  Spoons is an hazardous game if you ask me!

Waverly Hills Sanatorium again.  

And the Louisville Zombie Attack. (photos/video is included)
               (mind you, I'm not much about zombies- but hey, it's always fun wearing make-up and chasing                          folks!  Now only if they have werewolves.....)

Majority of days were good to me in a sense that I wasn't numb.   It was easier to handle emotions most of the time, be it good or bad.  There were a few days that it wasn't great, but that's all right.  We're human.


That's what I'd say if I was to come to school and the teacher said, "what did you do for summer?"

PMS and Activism, what a mix!

Happy 2nd anniversary-

You still kick ass, Occupy Wall Street!

Occupy Wall Street/NYC

It has been 2 years since September 17, 2011 when the Wall Street had been taken over by the People (us).   They are still alive in many ways, a variety of fields, such as:

Boulder, Colorado:  Occupy Boulder Flood Relief

New York City: NYC 2nd anniversary

Yahoo news

and more- you can get more info with the link I attached to Occupy Wall Street/NYC.   I only regret that I wasn't able to be there this year.  

That's okay- I can still be an activist, as I'm doing this weekend, then again in 4 weeks in October, and again in November, covering five states.   

And by the by, PMS finally re-appeared in my life two days ago, after being 'missing in action' for a year and half after the hysterectomy.  I suspect I did have PMS now and then during that time, but grief had immensely distracted and numbed me in the meanwhile.  

That's all right, I'm good with that.  

PMS and activism mixed up-  the world, watch out!  

http://nalakagunawardene.com/2008/09/12/remembering-anita-roddick-a-year-after-her-hasty-departure/

Stay mum or not.

I wrote this post six months ago- overlooked it it'til now.  Sorry about the delay.  

There was someone I have felt close to. She too dealt with infertility- the bottom line is that she said she had made peace with her infertility, not being able to be a mother; now she's in her early 60's. I have known her for more than fifteen years. I had looked up to her for many things, seeing her as a mentor for the religious path I have been on for over 20 years. Now on my childless path, I had looked up to her through the months going in and out of the hospitals, and when it struck me that I wouldn't be able to be a biological mother. I I still vividly remember when I was crying on phone, she said, "Go ahead and cry, cry it all out of your heart. Listen to me, don't obsess about it too long. Don't waste all your time on this. I got over it soon enough, and so will you." 

When I found myself still down 3 months after the hysterectomy, I started to think something was wrong. After 8 months, I was thinking "am I obsessing over it? Am I not letting it go?", drowning in self-guilt and self-doubt. It took reading blogs like Life Without Baby, The Road Less Travelled, Real Life & Thereafter, Serenity in Chaos, and books like "Silent Sorority" by Pamela Tsigdinos, "I'm Taking My Eggs and Going Home: How One Woman Dared to say No to Motherhood" by Lisa Manterfield, and "Unsung Lullabies: Understanding and Coping with Infertility" by Janet Jaff, Martha Diamond and David Diamond. There are more blogs and books that I could read, but to me, those blogs/books I listed are more significant- helping me realize that:

"Grief is not a straight path, it's a continual cycle, very much like a labyrinth with its countless turns and stripes short and long. Uphill, downhill, it's all that."

"Not everyone experiences infertility alike. No one walk the same path. Each person goes it her way, with individual coping, access to support, and courage on their own time."


That was the catharsis for me; I had to let go of my expectations and society's expectations on how I:

"should complete my grief,"
"should move on,"'
"should shut up, be quiet."

I have been an advocate for women power, Deaf community, HIV/AIDS education, awareness of child abuse, domestic violence, more, for long as I could remember. So, returning to advocacy, as a tool to help myself heal, while noticing how infertility, childlessness and childfree life are still overlooked and/or judged in society's eyes, I was thinking, Why not? This is something I can do. Empowering people and empowering me. I walk the walk, and I can say "have been there, done that- and I got this stinkin' T-shirt."

So in time, I would share a post or meme about infertility here and there on Facebook, occasionally...testing the waters.

Mostly, I'd get a few likes, two or three comments affirming or at least, asking how this happened to me and/or how they could help someone infertile in their family or among friends.  

I felt emboldened, to share some more posts, although I drew a line at 'oversharing' because even I don't want to focus on infertility alllll the time in my life. I keep a balance as possible, mostly advocating and supporting causes, (including fighting against domestic violence and oppressing women). I like to share positive memes, introvert memes and geek memes- What can I say? 

Anyway, there would be some dry weeks without a post about infertility, then 2-3 posts a week. I did notice when I would experience depression (trigger of pregnancy announcement, or a glimpse of a baby), I'd start looking at infertility and/or grief posts/articles to validate and comfort me, normalizing what I'm going through. From there I'd find a good article to share in goal of making the word infertility public; to share that infertility exists for someone in your life- if it's your sister, your cousin, your best friend, or your teacher. Or at least you know that you're not alone in this.

A day before Infertility awareness week, I was already 'down' due to a friend who had recently have her baby. I congratulated her about her son's birth and sent her a baby gift earlier that week. That's the best I could do, while hiding her (which I tend to do with friends/relatives- when they announce being pregnant, or going through pregnancy, I hide them. I say nothing. It's for my self preservation.) Anyway, looking forward to advocating awareness about infertility, I had already shared a article about how to be supportive to infertile friends earlier that week. That day, I noticed I had a private message from the dear friend. I was quite aghast of the horrid tone in the message, chewing me out for being open about my grief,, posting "8-10 posts about infertility DAILY", "taking up all her new feed with all negative posts", "it being a friggin' year of this." And right after that, she de-friended me.  

I was quite flabbergasted. I even had a friend check my page to see if I truly post infertile stuff "8-10 daily" as I said in one recent post; turned out that accusation wasn't true. I had to talk with a good friend who is also an IFer. More we talked about my response to the email, it drew upon me.

It wasn't about me. It was about the friend's own pain of her infertility.  

I tried to put myself in her shoes- back then there'd be not much support in 1980's. No support groups on Internet, or at least forums to talk it out. It would have been lonesome for her and other women back then. It might be presuming of me to say this, but it might be easier to sweep it under the rug, to pretend that it didn't hurt anymore. I could be wrong, although.

Me, I chose not to pretend that it was 'all fine'. After struggling thinking I should put a deadline on my grief, and learning I didn't have to. The journey is mine, not anyone else's.

I chose to face my grief, and I chose to be public about my childlessness/infertility- in goal of removing the sting of taboo, normalizing and shrinking sense of stigma from the word 'Infertility. More I speak up in advocating, more women (and men) have contacted me privately, thanking me for putting the spotlight on this issue. They are not ready to open their hurt to the world, yet they appreciate that they are not alone anymore.

So that led me to realize that the friend possibly experienced re-opening wounds of her infertility; maybe that she hadn't proceeded through her own grief. Hence, it's pretty easier for her to lash out at me outward, instead of looking inward of her own pain.

That furthermore led me to realize three things-

I had hid certain people who go through pregnancy, for self preservation.. Why couldn't she have hid me for her own preservation?

I moved some people to close friends or favorites, where I could see their posts while NOT seeing others' posts. Why couldn't she selected close friends in new feeds where she'd see their posts, not mine?

She could have de-friended me; well she did. After sending me that horrible email, that was. However, she could have done this all along before now then- why waiting a year and some to do so, doing it as a dramatic exit?

I don't know the reasoning behind this. I just wish she could have talked with me about her reactions, her perceptive about me sharing posts about the topic she is not comfortable with. The email's message was absolutely unnecessary. I feel sympathy for her, and what she had gone through; I also understand how she chose to face this devastating trauma. However, I am not definitely happy how she projected herself upon me, putting a deadline of grief/healing on me, and when I didn't, she chose to think that something was wrong with me. She forgot, I'm NOT who she is.

How I address my grief, how I choose to draw strength from advocacy and helping people, refusing to 'sweep under the rug', that is certainly not wrong for me.

That's the difference between her and me.

http://cdn.ebaumsworld.com/thumbs/video/1990574/82280914.jpg

Awesomeness

I wrote a post for another blog about my first time volunteering; that's why I hadn't written one for this one in a week.   It had just been posted this morning, and I got a LOT of comments (all positive). That surprised me!

I hadn't yet determined whether I'd want to share that since the post is not related to infertility- but then again my blog is about my journey, isn't it?

Well, the bottom line is I feel good!  No, not that word.     I feel...  AWESOME!

Walking the walk

As long as I could remember, I had been an advocate/activist.  Even as a very little girl, I was an ambassador for an organization that encouraged lip-reading and speaking, not sign language (staying away from the Deaf community, making one 'hearing').  Mind you, it was my mom who volunteered me for that position, and of course my face was on newsletters at local hospitals and audiologists' offices back then in the 1970's.   How funny it is that I'm immersed in the Deaf community nowadays.  And that wasn't the first time in advocacy....  Nope, that would be when I was a very very little baby.

Mom had pushed me in a stroller when she marched with other women fighting for equality.

(from Washington DC ARCHIVES)

Mom talked with many (teachers, representatives, senators, board of education, everyone) to encourage passing of Education of All Handicapped Children Act (which was passed in 1975), which was then renamed the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA).  Just one of ten thousands speaking for support of this act, which increased education for children with disabilities. 

Marches for Reproductive rights.  HIV/AIDS education/prevention, Take the Night Back, GLBT rights, all in 1980's and 1990's. Been there, done here while growing up.   When not pulled in the Radio flyer red wagon, I rode a bike.  When not on a bike, I walked in my sneakers.  I was a walker, a cheerleader, and fundraiser for many causes. I sat at booths to explain about equality, HIV education, and access to communication for the Deaf.  

When I was a freshman at Gallaudet University in 1989, I even got an opportunity to talk with my Representative  and two senators at the U.S. Capitol, explaining the importance of passing the Americans with Disabilities Act before it was passed in 1990.  

In the last two decades, I had been advocating for vulnerable adults' right to be listened to, and to be respected,  and not to be babied.  Being a mother hen, I was fiercely championing for individuals with intellectual disabilities to increase independence in housing and employment, much as they are able to.   Trembling in my shoes, I stood up to abusers, while shielding women.  I held hands with victims of rape as they were being treated behind the hospital curtains during the sexual assault examination.  Was a legal aid advocate; victim advocate; and medical advocate in numerous fields.   While doing extensive studies in graduate school, I encouraged free-thinking, exploring beyond limitations and civil right to marriage (marched with fellow graduate friends in protesting Prop 8 in 2008.) 

It was over a year and half years ago that I stopped activism. 

That was when I had struggled with my own reproductive issues which included surgery and struggles with my own identity.  

Through the decades of being confident and assertive, now I found myself extremely vulnerable.  After years of knowing who I was, I wasn't sure anymore who I was.  If I was not to be a mother, what was my gift to the future?  If I am not to have children, why should I care to make that the world is livable, with civil rights to everyone?   Cannot I leave a mark on the world?  

All the fierce passion, all joy of empowerment,  all my desire to better the world, and I never had a chance to be a mother after all.  I felt cheated. 

I was angry.  I stayed in the darkness of rooms, refusing the sunshine, rejecting the world's cajoling of sharing news crying for help in many areas, especially women rights and reproductive rights nowadays.

Right.... Reproductive Rights, I never got to practice that myself.  

Can't help but see the irony there.  

Last month, I was surfing on Facebook when I saw someone posted a meme "I Stand with Wendy Davis!" That name wasn't familiar to me, so I checked  Facebook, Twitter and Google and discovered her goal of filibustering against the new abortion regulation bill in Texas. 

Wendy Davis, June 25, 2013

The neglected ember, within my spirit, sparked with interest in seeing what Wendy was doing.   More she stood in her sneakers, more she spoke, the more the world watched her.  I found out many women sent her their experiences to her to read aloud, more I was reminded of something I had forgotten during my grief.

It's not about me.   It's not about you.   It's about ALL of us.  One for all, all for one.  Unus pro omnibus, omnes pro uno.    To better the world, we better ourselves.    To advocate for people, we advocate ourselves.   In my way, I have been advocating for infertility awareness in the Deaf community for a while. That was a small step for me.  

So with reflecting what Wendy Davis is doing, with noticing how thousands of women showed up at Texas to protest, with showing up in North Carolina, and with recalling Occupy Wall (Restore the Fourth) protests (still alive!), I felt like the world had just slapped me, as of going "du'oh!"  

I realized, I do have children in a sense-  my nephew (and future nieces/nephews), my cousins' children, my friends' children.   If not of my womb, then for them, for the women, for the vulnerable adults and elderly, and for the children who need the world more than we do, especially in this political environment.  

After reading a blog written by volunteers who advocate safety and empowerment at a local organization here, the volunteers are the witnesses and warriors to a constant war on the sidewalk almost daily.  I was reminded of the one thing I had been interested into doing, but hadn't taken the opportunity to do: To walk the walk, to participate in the battle. Not to stand in sidelines.   I contacted the writers recently and inquired about volunteering.

Well, I'll be wearing an orange vest locking arms with fellow volunteers in the wee hours of Saturday morning, to keep clients safe, protecting their right to choose for themselves, without politics or religion butting their noses in.   

I might be infertile but I'll always protect reproductive choice, all choices.  The advocate roars again! 

  

(from the movie Ace Ventura)

Unplugged

Due to a local cable/Internet service provider transferring to a bigger one, my Internet had been 'funny' for a week and half- I couldn't predict when I'd have Internet..one day it'd be up for an hour, then it'd be up for 7 hours after two days of no Internet.  After tolerating it for a few days, I gave up and decided to go unplugged for a few days.

The days ended up awesome!

Hiked in the swamp nearby-I had known it was there since I moved here 4 years, but never had the opportunity 'til now.  And.. I didn't get any mosquito bites, could you believe that?!

Walked the Big Four Bridge, that had been renovated from a train truss bridge to a pedestrian bridge- opened three months ago. Pretty awesome- can't wait to walk to Indiana when the other end is completed!  

Art is one of my passions, so when I saw a guy starting to paint on a building wall, I stopped by and asked if I could watch the process.  Turned out this is for a center for survivors of domestic violence- to give hope and inspiration.  Watching the guy paint was magic in process- beat that, Harry Potter!  

Rediscovering my love to crochet.  

Exploring local restaurants, including the most loved BBQ- Smoketown U.S.A (would you believe the owner/chef originally came from Russia?) Very friendly, he chattered on and on with us despite we didn't understand each other. That didn't stop him from checking with us, encouraging us to eat more- and was happy to give me one of his cakes he made personally, turned out to be orange soda cake. I hadn't tasted orange soda since I was a child. What a memory trip, for sure!  There was a whisper of a new breakfast cafe, it's not yet known. So I went exploring at SuperChef's Breakfast, and saw that they had red velvet pancakes.  !!!  I had to try that...and you know what?  DIVINE!

On my bucket list, there are museums that I aim to attend, but hadn't "the time to go" 'til now. I attended the Vent Haven Museum (the only museum in the world about ventriloquism).  I can say safely, it's SO creepy!  The wooden faces, eyes following your movements...but AWESOME!  I also went to the Underground Railroad Freedom Center- very sobering but good way to increase awareness of slavery in United States (1619 to 1863) and about today's slavery (forced labor, child labor, prostitution, bonded labor, and trafficking).  

There were some rainy days (including one flash flood warning, which indeed flooded the bridge just down the road from where I live).  I managed to go there to check, and I saw a muskrat, first time in my life!  I love animals, hence biology and zoology are another passion of mine. Another moment of awesomeness!    Anyway, due to the rains, I couldn't go outside much. No fear! Books called!  The book pile had grown, and grown for months, and I couldn't make a dent in it 'til now!   

There is a young neighbor with a 4 years old boy-  Some months ago, I had lightheartedly offered to babysit the boy if the mother needed a break or something- and she hadn't taken up on my offer 'til now-  a rainy day, of course when I couldn't take him out!   We ended up painting,, drawing and making oatmeal cookies (with chocolate chips- he wanted 'em). Later on, he stopped by and gave me this sweet note.  

Those days were certainly to savor, being mindful and staying in the moment.    And best of all, at no time, were there any inkling of being aware of infertility, or being childless.   

That helped me realize something-   I had stayed on Internet overmuch for a year and more- to escape into the world web, nursing my wounds, with the word "INFERTILITY" in red on my forehead. Don't get me wrong- I'm very thankful for the blogs, especially some dear bloggers who are now my friends- but hey, did you know that when I finally got back online, I saw I had 68 unread posts on Bloglovin'?   

At first, I felt bad about being behind in reading, and then it drew upon me, many bloggers have their lives- some are traveling right now. Some are writing a book or developing toward an infertility documentary.  Some are doing DIY crafts- or cooking new dishes. Some are dating.  Some are raising their children and debating about dishwashers. In other words- they have their lives that are not revolving around Internet.  And the days without Internet showed that I can survive just fine being offline, and that it's not the end of the world.  

So in mind of that, I'm looking into camping, hiking and fishing at some parks nearby, including Mounds National Park in the state next to Kentucky.   Making more dents in the book pile.  Making blankets and crafts, now that some neighbors noticed me crocheting, some had asked if I could make them blankets.  And hanging out with some friends, including some in other states.    And it's okay to be offline for a long while!  

Fostering pup

Driving down to a very rural town, an hour away, I met with a woman.  She had dark circles under her eyes, had obviously wept before my arrival.   During the silence, I watched as she coaxed a little creature out of the crate.  We met front of her car, as she handed me the leash to her little dog.   She looked like she was about to cry again.  I took her in arms and held her while she cried.  Afterwards, I coaxed the dog into the car-   he insisted on staying on my lap while I drove back to my place.  Obviously confused and scared, he trembled, holding my hand close with a paw over it.

After a flea dip/deep bath and a vet visit to get medication for his infection and wounds,  Colin is on the mend, sleeping beside me on the sofa.

All in silence.  

You see, Colin is a deaf Pomeranian.  

I heard about him when Deaf Dogs Rock sent out a call looking for either a forever home or fostering for this dog due to a foreclosure, and that this dog is in Kentucky.   I had thought of fostering dogs for a year, but I hadn't an opportunity.  Until now.

So I'm fostering a small dog, deaf since birth.  I did notice that he intensely stare at my face, so I suspect he looks for communication that way. I had started working with him with using basic signs associated with commands, such as sit, stay, walk, food, no, etc. I don't have to worry about him barking or yipping.   The stereotypical Pomeranian is..all yipping.. He doesn't yip, but he does whimper.

He will stay here until he's healed and trained in communication/discipline before I will let it be known that he's looking for a forever home. I know it's hard for deaf dogs to be adopted, so the family has to have motivation and overmuch love to give to a dog like that. He had already figured out quickly two rules here- no getting on bed, and no begging for food while I'm eating.  He may be deaf, but he ain't dumb!  So there's hope for him.

This is an opportunity for me to explore what I want to do at this time of my life.  I might be a mother someday or not, but at this time, I'll be content as a foster mother for a dog.

Trek on the NY/NJ

Basically, I had basically a Greek comedy/tragedy experience traveling to the East coast. Repeated delays, broken planes, pregnant seat neighbors and babies everywhere, cancellations and shuttles from one airport to another all in one day!   Despite that, I had a joyous reunion with dearest friend R.

After resting for a few hours, we sat down at the table and made a "bucket list" to complete while I'm here.
Certain goals were very much for self-care, while others were quirks and/or something to enjoy.

There was a friend reunion, with someone I hadn't seen for almost twenty years!  I had gotten a kick out of that he didn't recognize me!  Even with hints, he couldn't figure who I was.  Finally, in mercy, we told him, and he was so happy- couldn't believe that I came all over to see him!  It was nice to reunite with him. There was even eye candy of an Irish Bartender working-  he introduced me to a drink- I should keep this as one of favorites to order in the future-  Pineapple Upside-down cake martini!   It's so yummy!

One day was full of mindfulness and pampering!  I got to do gentle yoga (now I have to see if we have that here!), a wonderful pedicure, with toes painted glorious purple, hugs out of the blue, staying in the present, and chatting over tea at night.  Best day during the vacation!

We got to watch 'Switched at Birth", all in ASL (no voice).  "Uprising"-  if you hadn't seen it, go and watch it!  You are very much welcome to experience my world from the Deaf view.. :)  Was wonderful watching it with R (she's Deaf, too!)

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One of my favorite spots is New Hope, PA.  There is an energy there that one can soak in, warm and loving- very much like sitting front of a fireplace, cozy in your blanket- that's the energy one can find in New Hope.  Meanwhile in New Hope, I got another tattoo at Living Arts where I had my tattoo long ago, of the wolf cub to represent my miscarriage.  This tattoo is of a curvy labyrinth on my calf, which I can lift to trace discreetly while sitting.  I had to hold hands with R, during the applying of the tattoo, due to one area being bone.  A tip to y'all who might consider getting a tattoo....get some lollipops. Don't ask me how, but they sure reduce experiencing pain to tolerable levels.

New Hope and R

 We ended up at a restaurant that faced the Delaware river; Martine's RiverHouse.  OMG, the food there- so good!  For the first time, I had tried duck- eating Duck Salad.   I swear we could hear the ducks outside quacking while I ate the ambrosial meat!  There was a sunset, causing the Lambertville bridge to shadow upon the river.  Something not to forget.  

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One other day, we went to New York City-  in goals of checking off one sightseeing of three choices: Ripley's Believe it or Not museum, Madame Tussauds museum, or the Harry Potter exhibition at the Discovery Center- all on the Time Squares.  We picked Madame Tussauds, and I am glad we did! There were so many characters that tickled my funny bone, like Charlie Chaplin; characters that I squealed over, like Johnny Depp; and characters that touched my heart like Amelia Earhart and Marilyn Monroe.    There's so many photos that I want to share, but those has to be my favorite ones. 

With John Elton

R chatting with someone high above the city

After walking through the Time squares, (saw the building where they drop the ball on New Year Eve!), we then went to a restaurant, Elmo, (yes, that's their name.)  in another area of New York by subway. I sampled one of their signature drinks, Black and Blue mojito (full of blueberries and mint)- absolutely to die for!!! I met some neat-o guys, sweet friends of R, and to boot, the waiters... so cute hunks that I'd love to take home!  *Giggle*  

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There was pauses in time when we'd just sit down at the kitchen table or on the couch and chat for hours over coffee(me) and tea(R), and those times were precious to me.  She totally knows what it is for me, in my situation, and she gets it.  Not many folks could say that, you know, dear readers?  That's one of thousands of pieces I love about her.    There was tears, there was giggles, there was eyes-rolling, and sighs of exasperation, and there were laughter.  How could one put a price on that?  

To my delight, (although dismay for all other who live in NJ/NY), we even had a snow day!  I was disappointed that there was not enough snow in where I live, so to wake up to a winter wonderland was something unexpected yet exciting!   To R's astonishment, I walked in snow barefoot, to measure the depth of snow; by the way, that was 8 inches.  Yes, I was sad that we couldn't go walk labyrinths that day as planned, but the snow made up for that!  I threw snowballs, playing in snow- I had missed doing that for several years!  

We had a memory lane trip when we went through R's book shelves, including talking about her collection of Laura Ingalls Wilder books, "Misty and Chincoteague" and other books by Marguerite Henry, and Anne Rice's Vampires novels.  Always loving to talk about books!   Currently, I'm borrowing some books from her, including one book I hadn't known that Anne Rice wrote, so looking forward to read "The Feast of All Saints."   

So, the vacation was very much what I needed-  away from everything, to focus on me only.  I am Jules, just not childless and sad infertile, not therapist, not advocate only, and that was what I needed to dunk myself in, to reunite with myself, on vacation and with wonderful friends. Thank you, R- heartfelt!  

By the way, I got to check some stuff off the bucket list, so I look forward to review that by end of 2013!