When one looks at the river on the map, you cannot help but observe that the rivers often have turns and forks. Rivers naturally do not go straight, and that is what we experience on our lives as well.
The COVID-19 pandemic offered a new fork on the river I found myself on. Nevertheless, there was a discovery that my introversion benefit greatly during the COVID-19 pandemic. Staying home? No biggie. Not having to socialize with people? No problem!
However, I found a hardship with not having family to rely on, with family living in other states. The majority of friends live in other states as well. So introversion had a buffed sense of social isolation, however not totally. I found myself thinking of many ways to, let say, ease the severity of depression. Often I found myself driving, with invasive thoughts, or I would be preparing a meal, with a thought, on how sharp the knife was.
The only anchor was my Lola, the sweet pekingese dog. Cuddling with her, taking her out for walks, and welcoming conversations outside with people who wanted to say hi to Lola.
Lola had been there through my infertility journey, and again I found her steadfast during the pandemic.
When the vet told me Lola had kidney disease in late 2022, with an estimate of up to a year to live, I started thinking how can I live without her? How can I handle this new fork in my life?
Loving Lola, tweaking her diet, and increasing dog socialization, Lola became the center of my life.
Unexpectedly, I was informed that a puppy had been born- I had asked for a puppy in 2019, but after several attempts, failed pregnancies and stillborn puppies, I forgot about being on the waiting list.
An email showed up, with a photo of a puppy, eyes still closed, and so "here is your puppy!" from the breeder. I started to feel guilty and angry, wondering how I could basically love this puppy when I am grieving for Lola, sitting next to me? How could I deal with this budding fork? The kayak is starting to wobble.
I trusted my gut that told me to accept the puppy, and so I welcomed Remy into our home in early 2023. Lola was already starting to lose weight, but with Remy's arrival, she somehow had gained weight. They started to play, which was astonishing at that point, when Lola had been sleeping a lot back then, but now starting to act like a puppy herself.
The vet said that kidney disease had stopped advancing, and stayed steady at stage 2. I started to feel hopeful that Lola could live longer. The river became calm.
Do you know that hope can be the most cruel invention ever?
By April 2024, Lola had started showing symptoms of organ failure, I recognized it was time to let her go. I brought Remy with us as I took Lola to the vet who had known her all her life, and so could respect the transition. At that time, I looked back at the river of memories, and realized Lola had a full loving life, the best one could ever ask for. And she was ready to let go, and I could not deny her.
Lola was content to sleep on my lap, as she let go, and Remy rested his head on Lola's back as she passed away. I realized Lola HAD stayed longer to make sure that Remy knows how to take care of me, as I take care of them. Lola left her heart with me, and I will always miss her. Remy will be there with me.
No comments:
Post a Comment