My mood just plummeted- *snap of fingers* just like that. You see....
I was going downstairs to walk my dogs, as a neighbor and her husband was coming up. The neighbor had a baby with her; I was confused since I hadn't seen her around with the baby before. So I politely went 'ahh' and 'ohh' over the baby, and asked her if she was babysitting. She went "oh no!" with a laugh. She wrote, We got her today, we adopted her! Her name is Rachel.
I congratulated her and her husband, on their new baby. I walked off, re-broken like Humpty Dumpty, but holding the shell all together until I could get in my safe place. The dogs hurried doing their business and so we returned back home.
I couldn't cry. I couldn't throw things. I couldn't even feel anything, but the numbness.
Gotta do something, so I returned to the book I had started this morning, "The Unit" by Ninni Holmqvist.
Easier for me to show you the video trailer for this book, than for me to give you the plot-
The bottom line is that childless women hitting their 50th birthday, (men their 60th birthday), with no family, no productive jobs are sent to a reserve bank for biological material; they have pleasant living, activities and hobbies that make them happy, but the bottom line, they are there to donate part of their bodies- and someday, they have to give their 'final donation.'
Reading it (actually for the second time, since I had originally read it when it first came out in 2008), I found the term "dispensable" over and over in the book- not having a family, not having a productive life/employment, and not needed in society, hence to pay off was to be dispensable (by biological material donations), I couldn't help but think, "To be childless, is to be dispensable."
I'm not going to finish this book. I don't want to do anything but lay down on the loveseat and watch "the Beauty and the Beast", with a bag of chocolate kisses, and not think of anything for the rest of the day.
So I'm doing that.