I even laugh on those rides, X Scream and Insanity, two of rides which are on the top of the Stratosphere Hotel in Las Vegas. If you hadn't experienced those rides, I'm telling you, a lot of folks PISS in their pants; wondering if their ride would be the 'oops-my bad' error while flinging them off the roof. Me, I laughed hysterically that it hurt my facial muscles and stomach.
Now I have been on a roller coaster of horrible emotions, all plummeting, and wondering when I'd get to the upper rail or at least end of the ride.
Starting off the ride, there was laughter and eagerness, readiness to have a child, with a curve of puzzlement.
Then, at another downward curve of the ride, I encountered confusion, hope and fear when going through tests and more tests. Tried to protect myself with indifference, thinking they are wrong.
Plummeting down, despair and numbness were found when finding out that I can't have children.
Sorrow and rage realizing I truly can't have children out of my body.
Disheartened and bewildered I felt going into the surgery. Denial and apathy right away after surgery, feeling nothing it's not real, yet knowing it did truly happen, with the red line of the hysterectomy cut onto my stomach.
Shame and guilt thinking I had wasted all this years on dreams when I should have tried getting pregnant sooner. Cruising through powerlessness and grief with the knowledge of having no uterus anymore to nest a baby within.
Through the roller coaster, going uphill, with anticipation, hopes and laughter, some sunshine and warmth..before going down back into the dark fog. Realization that it was all false masks, misleading people and myself that things are getting better, I got over it. What a deception of self!
Now, I ride with passengers of resignation and surrender, holding my hands. I know there is another curve with flashes of anger and denial coming up soon, when will there be end of those curves?
I want to get off the ride, and I can't. I have to ride it to the end.
and I ain't laughing anymore.