I even laugh on those rides, X Scream and Insanity, two of rides which are on the top of the Stratosphere Hotel in Las Vegas. If you hadn't experienced those rides, I'm telling you, a lot of folks PISS in their pants; wondering if their ride would be the 'oops-my bad' error while flinging them off the roof. Me, I laughed hysterically that it hurt my facial muscles and stomach.
Now I have been on a roller coaster of horrible emotions, all plummeting, and wondering when I'd get to the upper rail or at least end of the ride.
Starting off the ride, there was laughter and eagerness, readiness to have a child, with a curve of puzzlement.
Then, at another downward curve of the ride, I encountered confusion, hope and fear when going through tests and more tests. Tried to protect myself with indifference, thinking they are wrong.
Plummeting down, despair and numbness were found when finding out that I can't have children.
Sorrow and rage realizing I truly can't have children out of my body.
Disheartened and bewildered I felt going into the surgery. Denial and apathy right away after surgery, feeling nothing it's not real, yet knowing it did truly happen, with the red line of the hysterectomy cut onto my stomach.
Shame and guilt thinking I had wasted all this years on dreams when I should have tried getting pregnant sooner. Cruising through powerlessness and grief with the knowledge of having no uterus anymore to nest a baby within.
Through the roller coaster, going uphill, with anticipation, hopes and laughter, some sunshine and warmth..before going down back into the dark fog. Realization that it was all false masks, misleading people and myself that things are getting better, I got over it. What a deception of self!
Now, I ride with passengers of resignation and surrender, holding my hands. I know there is another curve with flashes of anger and denial coming up soon, when will there be end of those curves?
I want to get off the ride, and I can't. I have to ride it to the end.
and I ain't laughing anymore.
Good analogy. Though one I struggle to relate to simply because rollercoasters are my worst nightmare, and I can't imagine feeling happy on one at all! But there are two points I'd make. The first is that the rollercoaster ride takes a long time. We unfortunately can't go through it, get off in a few months, and say "that's that." I wish we could.
ReplyDeleteMy second point is that right now you say "I know there is another curve with flashes of anger and denial coming up soon, when will there be end of those curves?" Yes, but beyond each curve of anger and denial, there's a part that will make you smile. And the bits that make you smile gradually take over, the bad curves straighten out, and excitement returns. Doesn't mean the excitement is there all the time. But I think the shame and guilt you referred to disappears, and the powerlessness and the grief gradually lessen. Letting you ride the rollercoaster of life again - perhaps not exactly the way you used to, but still loving the high, exhilarating bits, and appreciating the complexity and the brevity of the bad bits.
I too went through a very angry phase after my hysterectomy. I got angry I got in a physical fight in a bar, I am not kidding. Which is embarrassing to admit, but I have a picture of the black eye (nearly black face, she hit me with a purse as well as a fist and I bruise easily.) to prove it.
ReplyDeleteAs I am sure you well know, you are going through the phases. For me, I was initially relieved to be free of cancer. Then I was happy to be feeling better after surgery. Then I got angry. Then I got depressed. Then eventually I started seeing a therapist. For me, the depression still comes in waves, but those waves are further apart than they used to be. So, it gets better.
I will continue to remind you of that. It is a process, but it does get better.