A friend just had finished a combination of chemotherapy and medication to treat a type of cancer she's going through. I was over her house making goulash and tidying her house up, while she was recovering after the appointment. Over tea, she told me that she is very sick of folks asking her "you okay?" She was touched in the beginning, but later on, after being asked hundreds of times, she was thinking, "was I reassuring them or me?"
I understood her question completely. I, too, had gone through a phase after the surgery, where I didn't want to be asked if I was okay, all because people wanted to make themselves feel better by asking me, not really wanting to know how I was feeling, so using that yes-no question was safe for them.
Very few had asked me how I was feeling, encouraging me to share whatever I wanted to talk about. That was much appreciated, and personally touching.
I suspect, from that experience, that had contributed to my awareness of how to interact with people suffering through something very tough for them, including my friend with cancer. To give what I can, to be open with them, including getting shit (and not taking it personally) from the person hurting, and not to ask them "you okay?"
Sometimes, that's all is needed.
THANKS for this perspective. I think I've tried using "How are you? How are you doing?" instead of asking this question, but my memory can trick me. This post is a great reminder of not using that question at all.
ReplyDeleteMe too, I had used "are you okay" or "will you be okay" in past, now with this awareness, I don't use it but like you say, occasionally one forgets.
DeleteYes, sometimes "you ok?" can be a question that lets people know we're thinking of them, but it can also come across as pressure, pressure to get better, to be ok, to answer "yes" whether we are in fact ok or not.
ReplyDeleteThat. Mali, yes, the pressure, which ends up as stressful for the person dealing with medical issue.
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