The title of this post, came from the quote that appeared in my mind, referring to Katherine Heigl's quote about her mom, who had biological and adoptive children. You might know Katherine by some of her movies- "Knocked up" or "27 dresses."
Among farmland, a state big on families and being fruitful, I found myself attending a soccer tournament for my cousin's kids today- with kids everywhere, if not playing in the games, then watching or chasing after each other. A woman holding a 6-month old baby was chatting with my cousin's wife, passing the baby to the cousin's wife as she did 'baby babble' over the baby, and I kept staring at the baby. I hadn't been very close to a baby for a long and long time.
Before I could react, the cousin's wife gave me the baby. Impulsively, I held the baby to my chest. I felt suddenly "at peace" if that made sense. Staring at the baby, her closing eyes, relaxing in my arms, the world disappeared around us. No kids shouting or kicking at the ball No adults chattering or laughing. No wind or smell of popcorn. The only existence in the world was me holding the baby.
Someone poked me, which startled me to look up- to see the aunt saying that we needed to move closer to a spot, to watch the cousin's daughter play. The mother came to me, with arms/hands open, ready to take the baby back.
I found myself hesitant to let the baby go. I was not finished. I wanted to hold her more.
With a big sigh, I gave her to the mother. We relocated to a spot closer to the field. I could see the cousin's daughter very involved in her soccer.
I managed to regain the baby and I played with the baby, cuddling the baby- looking into her grey-blue eyes the fine honey-brown colored hair on top of her head and the fair skin in shade of her summer hat.
By sooner, the game was over, to my dismay.
I reluctantly handed the baby back to her mother.
I don't know what to say. A part of me is crying. A part of me feels more human. A part of me is yearning for something. A other part feels tranquil. All through this, I feel all together.
A complete stranger in my arms, yet I felt I knew her. All babies I knew, in my heart, trusting and giving grace to one.
That quote came to my mind "A single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us. To live is to be slowly born."
-Antoine de Saint-Exupery
That's beautiful. I can understand the conflicting emotions - I felt those when I held my niece.
ReplyDeleteYou were brave....I have yet to hold a baby since deciding to stop the IVF roller coaster as I too, would be reluctant to want to give the baby back and am afraid of the emotions that may rise up. I feel like I am getting stronger, but I am afraid of what that might do to me.
ReplyDeleteAh...I felt angst as I read all the things you felt...but glad to know you've got a chance to feel "at peace" while holding the baby. :-)
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