Substitute children with furry kids?

Noticing so many friends sharing photos of their kittens/cats and dogs on Facebook, there were a lot of moments when I found myself go 'oooo adorable!' or "ahhh, cute!"      Looking at videos on YouTube, with dogs howling, or of cats prancing, certainly lightens my mood.  I started to look into whether I could adopt a cat, specifically out of hypoallergenic cats (i.e. Devon or Cornish Rex, Birman, etc.) I found myself on several cat rescue websites, while wondering where I could put the litter box that the dogs couldn't have access to.

I stopped and realized I was thinking about acquiring another furry kid.  The worst part of the first anniversary's timeline is coming up in less than a week; in which I have already noticed some symptoms re-appearing lately.   Weeping for no reason;  tears in eyes if someone say something unthoughtful, such as "aren't you glad you don't have a kid?" while cleaning a mess after his kid; hypersensitivity to pregnant moms or new moms with babies in their arms; mooning over children books or clothes; and the black cloud above the head.  That tells me that I'm more vulnerable- which comes to the question of furry kids.

I tried to check blogs and Internet articles on whether there is a tendency for childless folks to get furry kids.  I hadn't success-  there's a certain amount of childless and infertile blogs and articles, and that goes for the furry kids....but nothing about *both* at same time.  

With the maternal instincts and the need to take care of something, it's certainly easy to meet that need with furry kids.  We have those dog daycare and schooling, we have pet insurance, Gods know some of us even go out of our ways to dress dogs like babies. Clothing boutiques, no less, to accommodate one's desire to humanize their furry kids.


Gods know that  my dad's family look odd at me when I tell them my dogs have to be with me if more than a few days- you see, Dad's family see dogs for working and hunting purposes, not pleasure or comfort (or forbid the thought, family) purposes. I wasn't like that two years ago. So, you get the idea.
Do we try to transfer love to furry kids-  dogs, cats, horses?  Don't get me wrong, but recalling the book "Falling for Eli" by Nancy Shulins certainly comes in mind.

After realizing that I have kept my dogs close to me since the beginning of the journey ending with the realization that I cannot have children, I found myself confronted with the question:  how would I react to either of the dogs' death?  After all they do not have a long lifetime like us human beings.  Would I want to get another dog after Lola?  Just thinking about it, I am overwhelmed by anxiety and fear.  And would I want to raise a kitten, treat him like a little human baby, and deal with his death when he becomes old or sick?

http://cattime.com/dog-and-cat-photos/funny-dog-pictures/no-more-kisses-please

For now, I'm reinforcing the reminder not to consider adopting any furry kids until well past March, when I'd be less vulnerable.

Readers, have you encountered similar situations like this?  If so, how did you handle this?

Bucket List, continuing for 2013!

I had read several folks sharing their goals and resolutions for this year of 2013-  I had thought long and hard and determined I will not do resolutions.  What I will do: update my bucket list, identify achievements and add new goals.  

How was 2012 for me?

2012 was quite the worst year ever for me. How could it not be, with so many strikes?  Starting with the emotional and physical roller coaster with reproductive issues, with the hysterectomy, losing friends whom I thought were most close and trusted; struggling with finances; a good friend's death; ongoing grief and confusion adapting to the new world - still working on finding a niche where I could see myself happy.

Don't get me wrong, there were some good moments, as in seeing close friends in New York City, and of getting recognition for my artwork.

One piece of the first anniversary's timeline is coming up in oh, ten days.. just realized it- lovely.  The worst, I would say, of when it all slammed into me.    Not looking forward to that.  


Nevertheless,I decided I will not be held hostage for another year, like the last year.   I might not have had a gun to my head, but it certainly felt like it, with the emotions, the physical situation and mentality I found myself trapped in.  So with that  in note, here is the updated bucket list, with its 2012 achievements and new goals for the future including 2013.

Achievements 
Stop being the peacekeeper/stand up for myself- I no longer get myself involved in others' dramas)
Do unplugged days at least 15 out of 365 days (will continue this in 2013!)
Saw Wicked (play) in Louisville in September- loved it!

Started painting (so far I had done 22 paintings!)
Donated some art to a health center for women.
Made 8 blankets, by crochet and quilt.
Scrapbook of postcards collected by Postcrossing (got 142 cards in 2012!)
Gave presentation on labyrinth self-care to three organizations
Volunteered at a shelter
Waverly Hills Sanatorium in October- ghost hunt
Diana: A Celebration; Exhibition in Louisville (Honoring life of Princess Diana) and Frazier History Museum
Blow bubbles at your porch and observe visuals through the bubbles.
Drank absinthe with two of my closest friends, in NYC- right time, right place, right friends, cheers!
Street fair in New York City
Trips in 2012:
    Road trip to Denver (2224 miles, round way- take that!)

    New Jersey and New York City

    Central Park from one side to other!
    Oklahoma
New food sampled: Bread pudding, pickles, cow tongue, sardines, oysters (raw), the list goes on...


Continuing:  
Writing/publishing a book. (In process- a nonfiction)

Disaster Mental Health/Red Cross (Will take on March 21st)
Walk 100 labyrinths. (So far 52 achieved, including CO, KS, NJ, and IN in 2012).


New Goals:
Goodreads 2013 goal:  150 books.
See the Vagina Monologues
Create a mosaic of labyrinth.
New classes/spring semester:  Tai Chi and Advanced Photography
Increase hikes and walks with dogs
Increase fruit intake
Learn to forgive myself and let go of negative folks and experiences
Work out next move location
Get new ink on my skin, and get the frog tattoo re-colored.
Drink more water, less coffee

Comic Con in San Diego, CA or Dragon Con in Atlanta, GA
Check out local eats that I hadn't sampled yet.
Start a positive experience collection in a jar for 2013.
"Throw out Fifty things" project- get rid of 50 things (and more!)
Cut down on paper books, increase titles on my Nook
Ireland and Scotland
Ventriloquist museum- Fort Mitchell, KY (only museum about ventriloquists in the world)

National Underground Railroad Museum, Cinn, OH.
Gravity Hill in Princeton, KY.
Centralia, PA
Boston, MA
(two more that I forgot to add)
Watch all the seasons of Star Trek: Voyager (7 seasons!)
Michigan Womyn's Music Festival

That's all, folks, for now.       May 2013 be much better (after February, that is for me).

And oh yeah, I'm on twitter right now, keeping an eye out for when  passes/tickets are available at Comic Con..they sell out *fast*.  :P

Just be.

Knowing this would be tough for me, especially if I went to visit family, ever growing (with several babies this year), I stayed home.  I also knew that means there has to be adjustments, to avoid feeling lonely, abandoned, sorry for myself (mind you, that is somewhat irrelevant), to avoid becoming Scrooge Bah Humbag! I know already that looking at my Yule tree, I had visualized having children open presents, and so I had to change myself, my expectations- even when I don't want.... (:::eyeing the neighbor who is going forth and back between her car and her place- dang..that's a LOT of presents...), Sorry- I have ADD tendencies! Now where am I...oh yeah, when I don't want to change- since I felt that is very much like giving up on myself.    You know?  

Anyway, instead of feeling sorry for myself,  I am treating myself to several things- 

::: I cheered the runners and walkers on, hanging out cups of eggnog last Saturday at the Merry Christmas 5K eggnog challenge.  It was fun watching the runners- there were elves, Santa Clauses (and some Mrs Clauses), and even presents (I didn't take this photo- but that's what I saw!)

 

(from Courier-Journal)

:::: driving and then walking among the holiday lights in Lexington, while sipping the hot mulled cider. 

:::The lights in Mega Caverns-  the only cave you'd even drive through to look at lights! 

:::: made a lot of 7-layered bars to give away at two shelters.    Here is the recipe I used from Internet:

Seven-Layer Bars

::::treated myself to Wild Eggs- my favorite breakfast- Farmer Market Skillet (between you and me, it's absolutely to die for!)

::::completed three blankets- one for nephew, one for a cousin's kid, and one to donate at a shelter- and currently working on a blanket in colors of berries.  

::::taught neighbor how to play Mah Jongg (not the computer game, but the real game as practiced in China)- she is getting hooked to it, so I expect we'll play this when time allows!

:::::got myself a lot of books at this used bookstore, plenty to keep me busy for several days!  

Tomorrow, I will try the recipe for lamb stew (slow cooker)- in the meanwhile of it cooking, I am going to take my dogs out to hike in the Tom Sawyer Park.  I got the Sims 3 Supernatural expansion and so I'm looking forward to tweak my characters into vampires, fairies and werewolves, oh my!  

There's presents under the tree, for me and my puppies- and I do look forward to opening them while enjoying my White Christmas Dream drink-  (here is the recipe: White Christmas Dream)   By the time the presents are open, the lamb stew will be yummy...

Wish y'all a survivable holiday, either by yourself or with family, full of love (and that means loving yourself as well.)  

........

Here I am sitting, staring at the monitor, with tears down my cheeks.

Just had tried to read an article about children who had died last Friday, and failed.

I don't have words but for this,


"There is a sacredness to tears.  They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.  They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.  They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and unspeakable love."  Washington Irving. 

Coal

Ouch....  One has to do all the paperwork, the fees (at least 18,000 dollars) in total of fees such as adoption study fee, U.S. processing, adoption program, etc, etc..and all that would be from 12-36 months, even with that, there's still the risk that one might not be approved.

Looking at the child who needs to be adopted soon, I determined, I didn't want him to wait that long (especially that I hadn't done any start on adopting process, even less the application)- if there's a family who can give him a forever home sooner than I could... that's what he needs.  

At least, I tried. 

Of course, that's easier to say.  

In response, I had found myself buying toys and snacks for my furry kids. I had a good time filling two darling stockings I found at Target; Lola and Hairy would absolutely love the presents!  Lola and Hairy are  opposites.   Hairy likes sedate objects, brain-stimulating (like toys that have snacks in them, not easily dispersing), while Lola likes fetch-able toys (tennis balls, squeaky small dolls that can be thrown, etc).  Hairy likes to be brushed and groomed, while Lola prefers shirts and bows.   She really thinks she's a human baby. so that's a win-win for me.

Anyway, there was a complication, in which I suspect why my response was stronger to the Facebook announcement of the deaf child seeking adoption as I shared in the last post.  You see-  my cousin and his wife had their second baby more than a week ago.   Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them.    It's like... everyone are having babies more often in the family. I'm trying to exercise a reality check with myself to remind that it's not because of me, but that it's the young folks wanting to have children.  However a darker voice within my heart states: "You sure they aren't trying to have babies just to avoid becoming infertile like you?" 

I try to swat that question away, but sometimes it's harder to do so on some days- sometimes I wish I am deaf  to that horrible demon pitching self-guilty accusations and self-blaming barbs at me.  

Earlier today, I had a thought, watching the very pregnant co-worker waddling across the room; 

This year I'm getting coal from Santa.  

Well-  if I had a coal burner, I could stay warm.   

Heartpause

"Anyone interested in adopting a four year old deaf boy from China. Inbox me if interested. Serious inquiries only."


This is what I saw when I signed on Facebook a few minutes ago, on the new feed from a friend sharing on her page.  


My heart stopped.  

She's very active and well-loved in the Deaf community, and so I know if there is a Deaf boy, she's looking for a future home for him. That's how big her heart is, and something I admire about her.  


But WHY NOW?  It's like I'm feeling sorry for myself, with the first anniversary coming up, the clouds getting darker and darker.  

Then... BOOM! 

There's a possibility of having  a child.  I could have a new family by Christmas?  A child to raise, to share laughter and sign language with me, to love, to educate and to introduce to new worlds?  Please pinch me!

Then, I get a slap from my logical side (Gemini, y'all know) pointing out  yet I'm in no emotional or financial shape to take in the boy. 

Then I find myself swinging back; my heart is screaming at me: 

When then? When will you have another opportunity? 

I had to struggle, arguing with myself.    There's a part of myself, pushing me to contact the friend to find out, what's the catch, having hope and yearning in my heart, while the other part of me is pointing out that it's not the right time- sure I have a full-time stable job, and even that I have a second bedroom (I had gotten that in hope of having a child when I moved four years ago). However, I'm not rich enough for repeated airfare, legal fees, adoption fees at this time, and what if... what if I'm not approved after all?  There'd be so many Deaf folks who'd love to adopt him, so a Deaf single woman in her 40's?  I'm pretty counted out. 


Of course, my mood plummeted.  


I hate being realistic.  

*******   A few minutes after I wrote this, I said to myself, "fuck this- I'm going to ask her anyway."   At least I want to say that I *tried*.   Yes that means I could experience worsening grief, but...  

You know..I have to try. 

Cookies

*psst!*

Can I tell you a secret?  


Whatever I feel mad, sad, sorry for myself, pissed, I cook.  When I want to throw things, or rag at someone, I cook instead.

I realized, as  more down I feel with the first anniversary coming up lately these days, I increase cooking.


I can't help but find the humor here.


You see..... every year, I had made three-five batches of cookies for holidays. Usually.


Now this year- Cookies and candies, I have made so far this weekend:

Peppernuts
Gingersnaps
Oatmeal butterscotch
Snickerdoodle
Chocolate chip and walnut cookies
Cereal drops
Chocolate fudge
Chili chocolate cracked cookies
Nutmeg cookies
cranberry pine seeds candy (with white chocolate)


And I'm not even done.... Still a lot of spices and stuff on my kitchen counter awaiting for me to make more.

I sure feel like that Ms. Betty Parker.