I have been away from blogging for a while.
Don't get me wrong, I enjoy reading posts of fellow bloggers, especially when I need support. I like leaving messages on posts, giving support, feedback and more important, to let known that they are not alone.
Lately I found myself staying away from blogs, both my blog and others blogs. To give myself a break from emotions, to stay numb for a while.
Three co-workers pregnant, a cousin announcing a second pregnancy, some articles about babies/children abused and neglected, and the new nephew as we know, was born last week (don't get me wrong, I love him) all in the week since I last wrote.
The emotions were staggering me literally.
Time out.
Feeling sorry for myself, while angry at the world for shoving all this in one week down my throat.
I was thinking "That's not fair."
Right away a quote from the movie, Labyrinth (don't laugh, I know I rant about how folks THINK that's a labyrinth when it's not, it's a maze in the movie), back to the point.... I thought, "You said that so often, I wonder what your basis for comparison is?" The Goblin King, Jareth said that.
Good point.
I then found this post from another blog (seems there's always something that 'matches' what I goes every time I scan through blogs, not kidding here!)-
Why Not Me? by Quasi-Momma. She said, " The question of "Why NOT me?" is an interesting one (and a bit of a difficult one) to consider when unresolved feelings rear their ugly heads. What is it that I possess that enable me to endure this versus someone else? How can I take this something for the better? What does this serve: not only for me, but for others?"
I had been through a lot of traumatic situations through my life, including family violence; being a survivor of molestation in childhood; an abusive relationship and its aftermath; finding a murdered woman while walking my dog in the woods and going through court, reliving the rediscovery of the body; surviving a pedestrian hit & run, in which there was a question mark of whether I'd be paralyzed or not, brain trauma being permanent, and more.
And from all that, I had always wondered, "Why me? What did I do in the past life, that all this is karma on me?" I had felt sorry for myself until, ironically the hit & run in 2005. It took me a few weeks, lying in the hospital bed, feeling sorry for myself, when it slammed into me, "Why not me?" Looking at friends spending overnight at the hospital with me, a friend celebrating the most important holiday with me when he could spend it with family and friends, I realized I wasn't alone. Many friends calling the hospital to kick their ass when it was found that there was no interpreters for me to communicate. It sure made me feel much humble and loved. When you're at the worst moment, that's when it is also the best moment for you. One find out how much unconditional love pouring upon her, literally.
I remember the morning when I woke up to find my shoe that had been missing from the hit & run, sitting there on the hospital window bottom stool, with soft morning light upon it, with a big purple flower put in the shoe. I stared at the shoe and flower, wondering who put it there and why the flower. And I suddenly realized something.
"This is a new life. A flower blooming from the old life, the shoe of what I lived through."
From there, it was an opportunity for me to shed off old habits, old worldview, and challenge myself to push beyond my limitations and basically overnight, I grew from the ever-apologizing, shy, scared of her shadow Julie to bold, wild, assertive Jules, full of perseverance and joy in life. To this day, I still don't know who brought the shoe and put the flower in it. I am eternally grateful to that person...
When the doctors said I won't be able to walk until next summer, I said...things that are not to be published.
When they said I won't be able to return to school for a year, I said the same things.
When they said I won't be able to... (a long list of things I can't do), I said,
I finished school much earlier than expected, despite the mobility scooter (you know, the ones elderly used) and then crutches between three colleges on Auraria campus (You get the idea on how big the campus is...) through snow, rain and heat. I started walking (with crutches,thro) just four months after hit & run, instead of a year. You get the idea.
Now with this, with being childless. The new reality- I'm drawing on my strengths, empathy, and oh yes, perseverance (Teri's favorite word for me).
So, back to the point, Jareth's quote "
You said that so often, I wonder what your basis for comparison is?" to "That's not fair." Okay- fair is fair, (pun intended) I can't compare mine to others, when we all have different lives, different worldviews, and different strengths/limitations. What may make me weak, makes other stronger, vice verse. What helps is to know when to throw in the towel and ask for help or hugs, and that's the strength overlooked by many.
So soon or later, I'd answer "why not me?" After all, through this, I had discovered friends, long overlooked, who are there for me. New friends who help bail water while I row through the storm of childlessness. Surprising new strengths, of advocating for womanhood and childlessness awareness, and of appreciating simple living (and coffee- I just realized I can drink coffee anytime when pregnant women can't) :::toasting with my chicory coffee:::
