Fostering pup

Driving down to a very rural town, an hour away, I met with a woman.  She had dark circles under her eyes, had obviously wept before my arrival.   During the silence, I watched as she coaxed a little creature out of the crate.  We met front of her car, as she handed me the leash to her little dog.   She looked like she was about to cry again.  I took her in arms and held her while she cried.  Afterwards, I coaxed the dog into the car-   he insisted on staying on my lap while I drove back to my place.  Obviously confused and scared, he trembled, holding my hand close with a paw over it.

After a flea dip/deep bath and a vet visit to get medication for his infection and wounds,  Colin is on the mend, sleeping beside me on the sofa.

All in silence.  

You see, Colin is a deaf Pomeranian.  

I heard about him when Deaf Dogs Rock sent out a call looking for either a forever home or fostering for this dog due to a foreclosure, and that this dog is in Kentucky.   I had thought of fostering dogs for a year, but I hadn't an opportunity.  Until now.

So I'm fostering a small dog, deaf since birth.  I did notice that he intensely stare at my face, so I suspect he looks for communication that way. I had started working with him with using basic signs associated with commands, such as sit, stay, walk, food, no, etc. I don't have to worry about him barking or yipping.   The stereotypical Pomeranian is..all yipping.. He doesn't yip, but he does whimper.

He will stay here until he's healed and trained in communication/discipline before I will let it be known that he's looking for a forever home. I know it's hard for deaf dogs to be adopted, so the family has to have motivation and overmuch love to give to a dog like that. He had already figured out quickly two rules here- no getting on bed, and no begging for food while I'm eating.  He may be deaf, but he ain't dumb!  So there's hope for him.

This is an opportunity for me to explore what I want to do at this time of my life.  I might be a mother someday or not, but at this time, I'll be content as a foster mother for a dog.

Red Mug

I had a favorite mug,  red scarlet from the Fiestaware that I had gathered just in November and December '11 while going in and out of medical tests to see what was going in my uterus.   There is all the colors when one opens the counter; Emerald green, scarlet red, tangerine, peacock, cobalt, lemongrass, shamrock, plum, chocolate, turquoise, and and sunflower.  I intended to get only four plate sets.  After staring at the plates sitting on the counter, I felt I wanted more color in my life.  With the hospital tests and news whirling above my head, I wanted to keep the darkness away, by having more colors. So that's how I ended up with 11 sets, in all colors except for white and black. I joked to myself "I don't have an uterus anymore, but I have fiestaware in all colors!"  Bad joke, I know.

For a year and so, I have used mugs in variety of colors, but I found myself using the scarlet red mug frequently.  It grew to be my security mug. When I felt down, the red mug was there.  Dark clouds?  Red mug. Tissues and tears?  Red mug.  Comfort in solitude?  Red mug.   I did not really think about that until one day.

That day the red mug disappeared.

I didn't notice because I was using other mugs in other colors for a while.  In the mail, I got a baby shower invite last fall, so I opened the counter and stared at the empty spot where the red mug was supposed to be.   I pulled up mugs to see if the red one was hiding behind others.  No luck.

Anxiety budding.

I got an orange mug to pour my tea in.    I sat in the darkness of the living room.  I stood up to go back to the kitchen. To check if the red mug somehow magically appeared.   It didn't.  I racked my memory to see if I had left it at work or in the car.  I checked the car, no luck.  At office, no dice.

That went for a few months- there'd be bad days, I'd open the counter to get my red mug and note its absence, to recall that it had disappeared somehow.  Using other mugs just didn't feel the same, despite the same taste of tea or coffee.

On one really bad day, I moved all fiestaware  (all plates, small plates, bowls and mugs, and servers) to the dining room, in an extreme move in my goal of finding that damned red mug.  I dug through the pots and pans.  I used reasoning of doing an audit of all my food for preparing for a zombie apocalypse, in an excuse to find that Red mug.  

No luck.

It was an unpleasant feeling- I lost something.  Like I lost my uterus.  Some friends.  My dreams of having children.  I failed to find this mug, and I failed in my tries to be a mother.  The emotions. I fled outside with my dogs in a pretense that it was time for their afternoon walk, never mind it was late morning.

That was last February, the first anniversary of the hysterectomy.

Now, it is May.  Yesterday, my neighbor came in to watch the dogs and let the A/C repairman in since the air conditioner wasn't working (we were roasting last weekend!). Cool air welcomed me when I came home from work. I was so glad; I went to bed much earlier last night. I hadn't slept well due to the heat, and the "leave-me alone" mood.

This morning I opened the cup counter....

Red mug.

Staring at the cup among the colored mugs, the red seemingly fierce in its pulse of color.  That's when I realized the neighbor had probably taken the mug when she was here for coffee last fall.

My feelings are quite chaotic and confusing about the return of the red mug.


All over a little red mug- go figure.  

It came, it passed and I survived for another year.

The week before 

The weekend

Monday after.  

'Nuff said.  

Blue sky photo: http://loadpaper.com/id6988/white-flower-and-blue-sky-94508-1600x1200-pixel.html
Rain photo: http://nowiknow.com/making-it-rain/

Brains and laughter

First of all, I'm alive!  No worries. :)   I have been very busy lately in the last two weeks, including volunteering or participating in some Derby events (I'll share some stories/photos later in future posts).  A friend had visited me for a weekend, and I have been hanging out much on my porch, doing a small garden and doing some labyrinth paintings.  Anyway...back to the subject.

Volunteered at the Zombie Run here in Louisville two Sundays ago-  handing out vaccination hydration...err. water.    There was a lovely team of volunteers, some dressed as doctors (I got to wear a lab coat!), and zombies, including two cute little zombies.  Spooky, although.     We had put out cups full of water, thinking it's all finished.   By the third group of runners coming by, we noticed numbers of cups dwindling, we realized we needed to whip out MORE cups and MORE water....  to be safe, we had put out 300 cups of water here on the first (water) stop! Later on, I found out we had 700+ runners. Wow!

 That's when I found out we I love how runners involved humor on their t-shirts and/or costumes:

"Daryl's disciples" (Referring to The Walking Dead, in which there's a redneck character, Daryl..damn hot!)
"Tasty and Fresh"
"Lunch on the Run"
"Fast Food"
"Heroes of the Apocalypse"
"Who Got Brains"
"I like Big Guts"
"Zombie Bait"
 and more!

There were zombies, with so many characters that I couldn't list 'em all...but I'll do my best...

Fonzie the zombie

A hospital lost a doctor...what a tragedy...

housewife- would wonder how she manages to keep her curlers on... 

(Courier-Journal)

There was this neat-o zombie, with several 'slashes' above and below her lips, so impossible to lip-read. That'd be a challenge for deaf or hard of hearing folks who rely on lip-reading... oh wait.. doesn't need to lip-read, just run in the opposite direction!

Here is a video by Thomas, who was volunteer press for this event, so you can get an idea what it's like being a runner dealing with a 5K run with obstacles (zombies and stuff they throw on the road).  

 

This is right front of where our "vaccination hydration site" is...it's hilarious to see this zombie grab at some runners!  (Two little kids you see handing out the cups with water, were members of our team). They certainly stayed calm!  :) 

I certainly had a blast of fun!!!!  I hope I'll do this again-   I know there'll be two other runs; Run for Your Lives, and the Zombie Stampede- so I'll find out when that'll happen here this year. 

P.S.  For folks who might ask "this post is not about infertility"....it's certainly not.  I want to show that there IS life after infertility, childlessness, and that one can put grief and anger aside for a few hours, if not a few days.    

Louisville Zombie Run

Alert! Alert!  Zombies are loose in Louisville!

On upcoming Sunday, if you have to be specific.   There is a Zombie Run in which there'll be hundreds of runners who'd run and  avoid being caught by zombies.  Nothing to worry about, except for the zombies on the path, hiding and waiting for an opportunity to grab a runner.   Zombie kids are the worst- looking cute, harmless, but they certainly run faster and use their innocence to lure in the runners. And they are most frightening to behold, in my opinion. 

http://www.flickr.com/photos/dtstuff9/8106781714/

As a volunteer, I'll be out, handing out water...errr vaccination hydration supplies for the runners, who are participating in the Louisville Zombie Run.  

At least, that'd keep me out in the sun, feeling sorry for the runners and socializing with zombies- might be courteous to let 'em bite me once or twice.  After the run, there'll be the Survivor's Quarantine Party, full of food, DJ music, and partying with both survivors and zombies. 

********************************

On a somber note-   what happened last Monday, with the two bombings in Boston-  that's horrible.  Unthinkable.  Especially during a historic event, where thousands come to watch their friends and family relatives run.  It was supposed to be safe; unfortunately, it wasn't.     What gave me hope, is that among the chaos,  people came out to help.  They gave coats to runners in shock; they handed their cellphones to runners to call in with their friends or family.  Runners ran to the hospitals to donate blood.  Even now, on Twitter and Google, there are people who opened their houses to runners and relatives.   

Boston had seen its battles, starting with the Revolutionary war.  It stood strong against the English. The city stood steadfast as it sent sons and brothers to the Civil War to fight, knowing that many would not return.  Boston's women were already strong and respected long before women's rights were even addressed.  The city welcomed the GLBT community with open arms.   And so, Boston is the literal representative of freedom and strength.     Despite the bombings, Boston is not knocked down. Among the confusion and fear, Boston locals turned around and ran toward the screams, to collect hurt victims in their arms, to hold weeping  relatives, and to stand steadfast and say "You messed with the wrong town"...and they aren't kidding.  

So in that mind, Louisville Zombie Run runners are running for whatever reasons they have registered in, but we are also running for Boston...even when zombies are chasing after us.  

Pins and pining for something out of reach.

Two hours.


How much time was consumed while I was re-pinning and liking pins about infertility and childlessness on Pinterest?

Two hours!!


Staring at the pins on my infertility/childlessness board, questions popped up

Validation of my experience? 

Finding my happy space? 

Acknowledging that it did truly happen to me?

Seeking community to affirm that I'm not alone?


If so, why 369 pins?   Isn't that a 'tad' overmuch? 

I like to collect things, but thankfully, they are manageable. Definitely not a hoarder.

http://www.twirlit.com/2013/01/11/bizarre-craigslist-ad-allegedly-seeks-hoarder-roommate/

I have a strict list of rules that I follow, to reduce risk of saving everything.  One rule: if certain things don't fit on the shelves, or box, or  closet, I have to give one or two things up as a trade.

That's not so on Pinterest.   I find myself consumed, finding more and more.  Why?  I have other boards, such as horses, ice cream, cadbury eggs and Star Wars, yet I keep returning to infertility boards to see what pins had been posted, either for me to pin on my board or to click on 'like'.


That Infertility/Childlessness board used to have 502 pins, but to make me feel less obsessed, I broke it down into three infertility/childlessness boards: general, blogs and humor/sarcasm.

It has been a year and two months since the surgery, and it seems now these days I'm burying myself in  reading books on grief and living with childlessness, writing in my journal, painting, and staring outwards, feeling empty, and fanatically collecting pins for the infertility board on Pinterest, and all that.

What am I doing?

This little dark voice whispered, "If you had a child, you'd not be spending all this time online."  

Pesky voice.  However, there's the sense that is true.

Now that I found out that I couldn't  have children, I felt I had to give up a lot things that either I enjoyed or prepare myself to have children, such as going to zoos, (children), street fairs (children), art/craft classes and sewing/crocheting baby blankets, a lot that I did not realize until after the doctor told me I couldn't have children. And then children and babies were everywhere, and so I constantly bumped into 'em.  At malls.  At plays.  and big events like Derby festivals or music festivals.

So, I started to hide.  I stopped doing things I enjoyed especially when it would put me within distance of children.

I hid behind my laptop.  Books.  DVDS.  My porch garden.  Painting.  Hiking.  Pinterest was one of many reasons why it's easier to hide behind.  Same with reading blogs and ebooks.  Ditto for photography and writing in my blog.

It's easier for me to pin up things that I understand, to pin for something that is out of my reach, to verify that I have the reason to do so, to keep the pain to myself, yet telling the world in my way, I hurt.

It's easier to hide behind the curtain.

Now that I said it, I look outward at the outside, seeing the flowering trees, the darkening clouds and a couple walking their dog, and I find the world....  intimidating.

Perils of presumption

Was out with a male friend recently for dinner.  

I saw that there was new drinks on the menu, so I wrote down what I'd like to order.   

The waitress paused after she read my note, and then she pointed vaguely toward me with her pen. I looked down and said "what?" 

She then gestured, as if pregnant (two hands drawing a bump in air over the stomach).

Is she friggin' serious?

http://smg.beta.photobucket.com/user/___bluejeanbaby/media/ONTD_Twat/oyvey.gif.html

At that point, the guy burst out in laughter and I shot him a look, I'll deal with you later.

It was one of those days that I had no patience. That's why I needed a drink, after what I had gone through during the day.  

So I angrily pulled up my shirt and showed the scar from hysterectomy.  And to add, my body shape is pear-shaped, so no matter how one'd put it, I'd always look bigger in the lower part of my body. 

The waitress flustered and apologized-  I wrote to her, NEVER presume that every woman is pregnant, even if they look pregnant.  Even if one is pregnant, it is none of her business.  It is up to the owner/manager to decide whether they can sell alcohol, not waiters/waitresses.   The manager came over and I showed him the note as well. He apologized as well, and said that whatever we order would be on the house.   

Nevertheless, my mood and appetite were spoiled.  We left. 

P.S. the guy wasn't obviously happy, but he wisely kept his mouth shut.