Friday, December 20, 2013

Time out.

Nowadays, I find myself saying no.

Eat out?

Hang out?

Take a walk?

Chat on phone or computer?

Read blogs?

Even thinking about going to the grocery to acquire food, that's too much for me.

Sitting here, thinking how I got like this- and I can only come to the conclusion, Christmas is coming up, and I don't want to see the kids.  What I'm missing out.  What I will not experience. More closer it comes to February anniversary, my mood is darkening.

The degree of sadness is different today compared to last year- last year, I was under a black cloud, numb, raging at the world, with a heap of self-hatred and guilt. Tissue box in each room.


I'm melancholy.

With urges to bang my head on the wall, if I see a pregnant woman or a baby.  Not giving in, thro.  But... damn the urges!

You have to admit...this is an improvement compared to last year, in a sense.

It's funny- I got a note from an ex friend wanting to talk with me.  I did consider talking with her, but with the emotions I'm going through, especially now with the holidays nowadays.....?

Bad idea.     I'll have to hold off 'til the 'dark season' passes.  That'd be after February.


  1. HUGE HUGS to you, Julie! If you want to bang your head on the walls, make sure you put a very thick pillow or two in between yourself and the wall. GOOD idea on holding off and taking time for yourself...

  2. a warm hug for you from Europe!
    After the dark... there always comes the Sun.