Friday, September 21, 2012

Can you imagine not having a child?


As you look at your baby in your arms, re-counting his fingers and toes, admiring her long eyelashes, feeling the heartbeat, you look forward to explore the world with the new family member. 
Can you imagine a life without your baby?  No patting his back to hear him burp; no raspberry-blowing on her soft belly, or no tickling to hear his laugh?

As you pick your toddler to put him on his tricycle, laughing at her mess as she samples her first birthday cake, and reading the book “The Hungry Caterpillar” with him on your lap, you cherish the moments.
Can you imagine living without your toddler?  No squeaky toys to pick up, no kissing ‘ouches’, no “good night, moon” reading at bedtime?  

As you watch your son stepping into the school bus, kissing her trembling pout as she looks at the teacher for the first time, and his smile of pride as he gives you his test with ‘B+’ in blue, you’d think you’d never give up remembering those times. 
Can you imagine driving by a school, no one to jump out of your car; no one blowing a kiss for you to catch; or no announcing losing the hamster during the show-tell?  

As you walk to the mall in a mixture of excitement and dread knowing you’re going into a battle with your daughter over clothes again, paling as you open the cellphone bill yet knowing that’s somewhat expected, or looking on with pride as he scores a goal at the  soccer tournament, you chuckle in fond remembrance. 
Can you imagine not being there to hold her as she cries about her first break-up; not being there when he goes, “Mom…!” as he rolls his eyes; or not giving a high-five as she comes home excited, to exclaim she got accepted for the middle school basketball team?

As you tremble in thought of him learning to drive, arguing with her about her outfit on way to school, and dreading have the Talk with your teenager, you convince yourself that it is worth the entire struggle to see him become a young adult.  
Can you imagine missing seeing her smile at you shyly in her prom dress, and, missing out on cheering as he opens his letter of acceptance to his college, or missing the opportunity to be there at her undergraduate graduation?  

Now, you know that’s what you’re expecting as a mother.
Now can you imagine what it is like for us non-moms? Can you imagine what we feel as we hear and see your babies and the potential, knowing we are living without?  

As you look at your baby, can you imagine living not having your life without a child?   
Neither could we imagine.  We didn’t expect that either. 
For many of us, we have to live without children due to circumstances and infertility. 

Can you imagine how you would feel if someone tells you, “you can’t have a baby;”  “Your egg didn’t take in this 9th attempt;” or “After all that tests and interventions, I’m sorry to say we may have to consider that you cannot have children after all”?   Look at your baby and can you consider what it’s like not having a baby?
Could you imagine how you’d feel if someone suggest adoption after you had already considered countless times, when we had asked the bank for a loan for the third time to be rejected, and when we went through months of home study to be told that the birth mother picked the other couple over us?  Search your baby’s face and can you wonder the heart-wrenching frustration? 

Now, can you see why it is heartbreaking for many of us, to even smile with you bravely, yet experiencing heartache?  Can you see how we have to be strong, struggling not to break down in tears, as you look down at your baby and melt in his smile?  

Hence, give her a break when your sister is not up to coming to your baby shower.  Accept if not understand, when the friend does not want to experience living vicariously through your pregnancy.   Ask, without presuming, whether that your cousin would want to hear about how it went for the first day of school or not.  Offer consideration of visiting your child, “when you are ready” to your sister-in-law, instead of saying “oh, you can take my baby anytime” in a humorous way.  

Be compassionate yet not pitying us.   After all, we have to find our courage to live without children.  Be supportive, yet not judging us.   After all, we have to adjust to a child-free life and learn to live fully.   Love us, yet not forget us.  After all, we didn’t forget you, our friends, our sisters, our aunts, our cousins.   We try to be there for you, but sometimes we need you to be there for us too.  

Can you imagine doing that?  

23 comments:

  1. BEAUTIFUUUUULLLLL post. LOVE IT! :-))) I hope many people get to read this one. :-)

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    1. Thanks! This has to be one of powerful writing I did. You can share it. I know i don't get much readers. :)

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    2. I'll actually send the link to Mel, but can you please make the text bigger? For some reason this blog post's text is so small that even on my widescreen it's a bit tougher to read.

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    3. Sure- I didn't realize 'til NOW that the text is small... I did it on pager- since I didn't have access to laptop/wifi 'til NOW... :) Let me get back to correct the text. Thanks for the head-up!

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    4. You're very welcome. I also thought that you didn't realize it 'coz you're on holiday he he...

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    5. I couldn't have said it any better. Thank you.

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  2. Exactly.

    I hope you don't mind but I need to print this out and give to my MIL.

    X

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    1. Oh, go ahead, Jen. I'd be happy for y'all to share this. Funny, it was a co-worker bringing her baby to work, even in my office recently, and was thinking "only if the mom could imagine what it is like for me.." and a light bulb went on.

      :)

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  3. Wow, what powerful writing! So very well put.

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  4. So very true. Beautifully expressed. Thank you. x

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  5. So beautifully written....Thank you for writing this. I am going to share on my blog if that is okay. Thank you!!

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    1. You're much welcome to share, Kellie! I wish there is a way to share this with EVERYONE- you know? :) Thanks again!

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  6. Amazing! Thank you for writing such a beautiful piece. Do you mind if I also share on my blog? This is an example of what I want to say, but never come up with the right words. Thanks again!

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    1. Thank you for your kind words. :) You're much welcome to share, Sarah Jane.

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    2. So beautiful! Extremely powerful and emotional and touching.

      Hugs.

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  7. Have you thought about sharing this with your fertile friends, yes? Well written.

    http://abellyformeababyforyou.blogspot.com/2012/09/bigger-and-better.html

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    1. Hello, Tiffany- I had read your comment on my blog- and yes I had shared my post "Can you imagine not having a child?" with fertile friends as well. I had shared it- and two or three other folks had shared it. Some had printed it out to share with their MILs or relatives, who had trouble understanding the stress, the grief, the loneliness. Many fertile friends had responded positively; they said it gave them a better understanding what it is like for us infertile/childless. If you want to share my post, you're much welcome to share as long as it is credited to me. :)

      I had read your post last month, and you put it very well, "Everyone is having a different life experience than you. Because of that, what they can see and think can vary drastically from you. This is where an open mind and compassion can build a bridge to better understanding each other. Hopefully from that, we can learn from each other and possibly have more acceptance in all areas of this life." That's exactly what is much needed- even if understanding is not to be achieved, compassion is much cherished.

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  8. Here from CdlC, this is utterly beautiful.

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  9. Here from CDLC. This is perfect. I can't imagine a better way to explain the pain of IF.

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  10. Here from Creme. Thanks so much for this post. My heart breaks for you and for the rest of our sisters out there who are still waiting for children.

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