Doomsdays

Hadn't much energy or motivation to write a post lately.  

Thanksgiving is coming less than a week.  Whee.....

Xmas is coming up in a month and so................   Whoo

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0360486/

It feels very much like the doomsday to me than the holidays.


Last November and December I had gone through tests (MRI, sonograms, ultrasounds, etc) with so thousand thoughts
 "Can I have children or not?"
 "They're so wrong." 
"What is it in my uterus that they don't know?"

So many questions, with fear of unknown what was on the horizon. So many answers with the knowledge that it was not going my way.

I tried to protect myself (and other folks) by telling folks that I was fine, and that if I can't have children, no big deal.

Now, the holidays, the doomsdays are coming, I had made a decision.

You see----

 Last year, I was empty on Christmas, just two days after the doctor told me there I cannot have children. I was a zombie sitting there on the couch, watching cousins laughing as their toddlers opening presents.  I slapped a joker smile on my face as I was told two days after I cannot have children, that I will be an aunt.
Just typing this, I have tears coming down my cheeks. It still hurts recalling the pain from the last holidays.  In the emptiness, I kept thinking "the doctor is wrong" while I stared at the little children cuddling in my cousin's arms, my heart breaking. They have to be wrong. Yet in the heart of the darkness, I knew it the truth.

I love my family, don't you get me wrong...  however, despite the many family relatives in the room, I felt....

alone.


All that emotions were nonexistent all because Christmas was only two days  since that I had seen the doctor.  I had no time to process all that during the holiday visit.  I was a puppet, all smiles, not wanting to spoil it for everyone else.

I chose to keep everyone else's illusions that everything is okay, while neglecting myself.


Now, this year, there is two babies, and one on the way.


I'll pass.  I'm going to protect myself.

At least, I have to work on the 26th, which gives me the excuse to stay away.



Perhaps, I'll be comfortably ready next year.