Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Tracing the tight belly of my pregnancy, while sitting outside, I was enjoying the spring sunshine peeking through the leaves of the tree above me. Feeling movement, perhaps a foot or fist, I smiled and pressed gently against the movement. There was a thump in response. I smiled bigger. I felt so content and happy.
I was sweating, breathing hard, seeing several people above me and across from me- nurses, Roni and my mom. Roni signing to me "how do you feel now?" I snapped back, "When you try to get a basketball out, ask that again!" The doctor urging me to push; I strained against the pain, yet flowing with the pain. The pain became my friend, and then it dissolved in a rush of movement, new skin, new life. Watching the nurse picking the baby up, I almost called out wanting to hold the baby. I watched anxiously as the nurse cleaned the baby; paying no attention to the doctor checking me afterwards. I felt relief as the nurse put the warm baby on my stomach. Kissing the wet head, noticing the dark mop of hair, I smiled and said "she's here, isn't she?" Roni nodded, smiling, with tears in her eyes. Mom even had a softened look on her face.
Walking across the room to the crib, I noticed the moon outside the window. The moon was quite full, as if she was pregnant, full of new life. I smiled at the whimsy thought. I peered down at the sleeping baby. Softly, pulling the blanket up to her chest, I touched my finger as in kissing it and then laying the finger to her silky forehead. I shushed softly as the baby stirred slightly, as she returned to her sleep.
Carrying the girl in my arms, I walked up to the tree where I had used to sit under, while pregnant in the past. I sat down, my legs cradling her, among the exposed roots of the oak tree. As she looked up at the spots of sunlight through the fall leaves, grey eyes distracted by falling leaves among us, I smiled, cherishing the moment. I was bending down to kiss her nose.....
Abruptly sitting up in bed, I found myself in pajamas, the light going off and off, in waking me up.
Oddly, I could recall the hard pregnant belly, the movements. The pain of labor. The baby's soft skin. The sounds she made, vibrating through my chest as I held her. It all felt real. But no child at all.
What annoys me- waking up to the nightmare of reality, or was the dream itself a nightmare?
I resent the reality right now.