Sunday, September 28, 2014

Love me

Have been full up to my ears, Ha!  

So hadn't time to check in with my blog for a long while, which is both good and not so good.  

One reason I have to come to a consideration, (which might be a sensitive spot for some readers), is that whenever I write about my infertility, my sorrow, my frustrations, I find myself in a cycle of depression, clockwise.  
And I don't like that.  

I have been out of state several times, including YES, the MICHIGAN'S WOMYN MUSIC FESTIVAL!!!  That experience walking on the Land under the moonlight, seeing womyn drum and dance, and of laughter and tears among us, I cannot really describe it.   How can you describe the color red to someone blind?  This is similar to whenever I try to describe the event. 

I have been increasing busy in activism, including reproductive justice, domestic violence, awareness of Deaf community/American Sign Language, and my beloved passion, labyrinths.  

Does it mean I have forgotten or pushed aside my infertility? 

No. I still find myself feeling sad, but the frequency and length of experiencing sorrow had stretched to the point that it feels like a soft headsmack, when occurring now and then. Not so like the baseball bat slam that I'd frequently experienced in my heart in the first year, or the cold water bath in my face in the second year.   AND I enjoyed holding a baby earlier this summer, which was a HUGE step for me, to the point that I'd keep looking for opportunities to hold her when possible during that week of camping.  

After two years, I feel it is safe to say that yes it is still hard that I am not anywhere near to my goal of having a child, either by adoption or foster care.  Being deaf is its own obstacle, imagine that.   So that's the battle ongoing in my life.  

When I have time, I'll write more. 

So on this note, I will leave this for you-    love y'all, love me.  


  1. I'm so sorry to hear that it's so tough for you to adopt or foster care. Understand why you'd rather focus on other things than this blog. Glad to know you've had such a brilliant time at the Womyn Music Festival. :-)

  2. Love you too!
    Writing can be a reminder of what we can't have, and can I guess pull you down. Or perhaps sometimes we turn to writing when we feel down anyway. Blogging works for some, but not for all. Whatever the case, I'm glad that you are sounding so positive - I like the analogy of a soft headsmack rather than the baseball bat slam.

  3. I am not sure if my comment got eaten... I'm glad to see you here again and I've enjoyed keeping up with you on Facebook. All the activism you are doing is awesome!! Healing takes so much time - being busy, grieving, writing, etc is such a huge part. I found I just had to go with it and let it all take its course. Thinking of you! xoxo!

  4. I am glad to see you again, if even for a little bit.
    I agree with Nicole, grieving takes time...and being gentle with yourself and finding things that bring you joy are all important factors. Go forth and do what beings you joy....we all will be here when you want to spill some of the details <3
    Sending hugs!