A few days before the first anniversary, I up and went to call a friend on videophone- I told her I want to get out of here and spend time with y'all. She smiled, "come hop over here!"
That very same hour, airfare was bought. Plans were made, both tentative and set for 11-days holiday.
I will be with my dearest friend, R. We have met at a school for the Deaf in New Jersey, she's younger (a bit) than me, but we are both young spirits and old souls, parallel. I find that we balance each other well. She's very much adventurous, risk-taking, and outsdoory, while I'm much introverted, thinking things before taking actions, and philosophical. But then again I find myself adventurous, throwing caution to air, trying new things, and she would find herself sitting in a corner and read a book. So, as you can see, what a wondrous friendship!
There were moments when we'd sit in silence, and the world is right. Other times, we'd be walking at 2am, laughing under streetlights, and everything is good. Yes, of course, even friendship is without arguments! What I love about R is that we'd have disagreements, give our say, and still let it go. I still remember one time when I gave her something of my art; it was an anxious moment for me, not because of her, but of me letting something go. I joked about giving it back to me if something happens, or if she doesn't like it. At one point, she snapped out and told her she didn't like what I said, with the implications that I couldn't trust her. I was flabbergasted- I didn't realize the context of my message to her. I was angry then, but I sat back and thought long. I walked the grass labyrinth in the field. I realized there was two messages here- I was angry at her for bringing something up that I wasn't ready to hear- (especially with me starting to think something was wrong with me reproduction-wise), "I was belittling our friendship" and angry at myself, as well, realizing that we are looking at one thing in different ways... I was putting myself down, thinking that no one would love my art, no one would appreciate it- and hence I was sabotaging unconsciously by joking left and right that if R didn't want it, she can give it back. I felt bad about that.
That was a catharsis there for me- I was trying to set it up for R to fail me, as my uterus was failing me, as the world was failing me. I felt like someone should have smacked me in back of my head, and go "Do'uh!"
I am grateful that R is straightforward that sense was knocked into me- sometimes I like to think that she is common sense for me during times I find myself vulnerable.
There are small things, small gestures, that might be not a big deal to you, but hey, I was craving to eat at a NJ diner (New Jersey is famous for its diners!), and she took me there on the first night back in November. I know due to a health issue, she couldn't eat certain food- but that didn't stop her from enjoying the diner with me. She also was there for me during crisis- she up and drove crossing states to stay with me at the hospital after the hit & run. She came to spend time with me after the surgery- a pillar of strength throughout it when I was too tired to be strong.
I made a blanket last December; looking at it, I thought it looked like a hug blanket- big enough to wrap oneself in, yet not tripping you over. I immediately knew who deserved that blanket. I sent R the blanket, and turned out she is grateful- she had lost a cherished blanket, made by a relative, and here is a blanket made of the same fabric from me! I didn't know of her blanket- what a coincidence- but then again there is so many coincidences in our lives.
Infertility, grief, rage, dreams of children, she hears it all, and "heart" (ASL sign, as in taking it to heart) all- as I hear and heart of her joy and hiking on the AT (Appalachian Trail- one day I gotta share her experiences being a Support Service Provider(SSP) to her Deaf-blind friend Roger walking the AT, all the 2179 miles!) and Ireland travels. I wince as she describes of her getting a physical injury as she smiles at my delight of getting Cadbury eggs.
Now, I'm going to spend time with her for 9 days, to see some other dear friends, to sample chocolate raspberry lava cake, to get a labyrinth tattoo, to walk among crafts, and to laugh and to live. To live in colors, instead of gray.
After airfare and plans were worked out and bought, suddenly I could look beyond the day, the first anniversary. The sky looks bright, I see birds in the trees, and I smile, a burden swept off my back. Life is possible after the anniversary.
This image describes me and R perfectly- let's knock the world down!