Thursday, March 28, 2013

And a bit of regret.

It had been very busy for me since the last post, especially with me attending a counseling conference last weekend (and take a note from me- *try* to take a day or two off before or after.)     Before I go on in this post, I got to tell you- I was flabbergasted to find that only one Deaf counselor (me) had showed up at that conference, among 3700 attendees.   Whatever.......

Although, I took a lot of workshops that I felt were necessary to pursue in my job, or would benefit my clients;  I chose one workshop for myself- "Regret and Forgiveness and Wellness." What grabbed my attention was what the presenters had written for purpose of this workshop: "Negative emotions can lead to a breakdown in all areas of life. "If Only" are the saddest two words in the world.  Regret weights a ton for those who shoulder it every day.  The process of this session will be to confront regret and learn the path to forgiveness. There is almost a magic as forgiveness allow guilt, sadness, shame, anger, or disappointment in self to fade."

The room was totally packed when I came in, so a guy was nice to give me his chair when he realized I had trouble getting on the floor (due to bad knees.)  It was then a realization that all of us have to be in smaller groups, to identify a regret, to expand on it if desired, what one can do about it and to let it go- well you get the idea.

When the presenters said to tell each other of a regret, I looked at the fellow members in group, and I had one thing on my mind. Many doubts flying around in my mind- "was this big? Not enough?  Too soon to say?  Would they understand?"  Realizing the eyes were then on me, waiting to hear if I'd share something forbidden, I burst out,

"I cannot have children, I should have gotten pregnant much earlier, that's my regret."

That said, I wanted to grab it back and say "you didn't hear that at all."  But no, that's out in the open.   I was both frightened and emboldened... crazy, huh?

I couldn't say more than that, but to say that by end of the educational session, I was thinking on what I had learned about myself:

I am still grieving, although it is changing bit by bit.
I am not ready to let it go at this time.
I need to forgive myself first before I could forgive others.
I need to follow the spiritual/emotional map destined for me on my own time, in my space; I cannot follow others people's maps in forgiveness.

And you know what?  I'm okay with that.

P.S. I had ordered the book, that was recommended in the session "Way of Forgiveness" by Patrick Miller. So that's something I'll read someday.... when I'm ready.

1 comment:

  1. LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEE this posttttt!!! I was just thinking about regrets and letting go in the past few weeks due to something MIL said.

    It's very true about following your own map. Everybody's different and one of the articles that helped me a lot said that grief wasn't a straight line from start to finish (esp. for an infertile grief) and that helped me accept this long and winding road. I find that the more we "resist" the path/journey we're on, the harder it is to let go because we can't let go of the things we don't even accept.

    Here's to forgiveness and healing even more! One step at a time. :-D In different areas of life...