How much time was consumed while I was re-pinning and liking pins about infertility and childlessness on Pinterest?
Staring at the pins on my infertility/childlessness board, questions popped up
Validation of my experience?
Finding my happy space?
Acknowledging that it did truly happen to me?
Seeking community to affirm that I'm not alone?
If so, why 369 pins? Isn't that a 'tad' overmuch?
I like to collect things, but thankfully, they are manageable. Definitely not a hoarder.
I have a strict list of rules that I follow, to reduce risk of saving everything. One rule: if certain things don't fit on the shelves, or box, or closet, I have to give one or two things up as a trade.
That's not so on Pinterest. I find myself consumed, finding more and more. Why? I have other boards, such as horses, ice cream, cadbury eggs and Star Wars, yet I keep returning to infertility boards to see what pins had been posted, either for me to pin on my board or to click on 'like'.
That Infertility/Childlessness board used to have 502 pins, but to make me feel less obsessed, I broke it down into three infertility/childlessness boards: general, blogs and humor/sarcasm.
It has been a year and two months since the surgery, and it seems now these days I'm burying myself in reading books on grief and living with childlessness, writing in my journal, painting, and staring outwards, feeling empty, and fanatically collecting pins for the infertility board on Pinterest, and all that.
What am I doing?
This little dark voice whispered, "If you had a child, you'd not be spending all this time online."
Pesky voice. However, there's the sense that is true.
Now that I found out that I couldn't have children, I felt I had to give up a lot things that either I enjoyed or prepare myself to have children, such as going to zoos, (children), street fairs (children), art/craft classes and sewing/crocheting baby blankets, a lot that I did not realize until after the doctor told me I couldn't have children. And then children and babies were everywhere, and so I constantly bumped into 'em. At malls. At plays. and big events like Derby festivals or music festivals.
So, I started to hide. I stopped doing things I enjoyed especially when it would put me within distance of children.
I hid behind my laptop. Books. DVDS. My porch garden. Painting. Hiking. Pinterest was one of many reasons why it's easier to hide behind. Same with reading blogs and ebooks. Ditto for photography and writing in my blog.
It's easier for me to pin up things that I understand, to pin for something that is out of my reach, to verify that I have the reason to do so, to keep the pain to myself, yet telling the world in my way, I hurt.
It's easier to hide behind the curtain.
Now that I said it, I look outward at the outside, seeing the flowering trees, the darkening clouds and a couple walking their dog, and I find the world.... intimidating.