Just be.

Knowing this would be tough for me, especially if I went to visit family, ever growing (with several babies this year), I stayed home.  I also knew that means there has to be adjustments, to avoid feeling lonely, abandoned, sorry for myself (mind you, that is somewhat irrelevant), to avoid becoming Scrooge Bah Humbag! I know already that looking at my Yule tree, I had visualized having children open presents, and so I had to change myself, my expectations- even when I don't want.... (:::eyeing the neighbor who is going forth and back between her car and her place- dang..that's a LOT of presents...), Sorry- I have ADD tendencies! Now where am I...oh yeah, when I don't want to change- since I felt that is very much like giving up on myself.    You know?  

Anyway, instead of feeling sorry for myself,  I am treating myself to several things- 

::: I cheered the runners and walkers on, hanging out cups of eggnog last Saturday at the Merry Christmas 5K eggnog challenge.  It was fun watching the runners- there were elves, Santa Clauses (and some Mrs Clauses), and even presents (I didn't take this photo- but that's what I saw!)

 

(from Courier-Journal)

:::: driving and then walking among the holiday lights in Lexington, while sipping the hot mulled cider. 

:::The lights in Mega Caverns-  the only cave you'd even drive through to look at lights! 

:::: made a lot of 7-layered bars to give away at two shelters.    Here is the recipe I used from Internet:

Seven-Layer Bars

::::treated myself to Wild Eggs- my favorite breakfast- Farmer Market Skillet (between you and me, it's absolutely to die for!)

::::completed three blankets- one for nephew, one for a cousin's kid, and one to donate at a shelter- and currently working on a blanket in colors of berries.  

::::taught neighbor how to play Mah Jongg (not the computer game, but the real game as practiced in China)- she is getting hooked to it, so I expect we'll play this when time allows!

:::::got myself a lot of books at this used bookstore, plenty to keep me busy for several days!  

Tomorrow, I will try the recipe for lamb stew (slow cooker)- in the meanwhile of it cooking, I am going to take my dogs out to hike in the Tom Sawyer Park.  I got the Sims 3 Supernatural expansion and so I'm looking forward to tweak my characters into vampires, fairies and werewolves, oh my!  

There's presents under the tree, for me and my puppies- and I do look forward to opening them while enjoying my White Christmas Dream drink-  (here is the recipe: White Christmas Dream)   By the time the presents are open, the lamb stew will be yummy...

Wish y'all a survivable holiday, either by yourself or with family, full of love (and that means loving yourself as well.)  

........

Here I am sitting, staring at the monitor, with tears down my cheeks.

Just had tried to read an article about children who had died last Friday, and failed.

I don't have words but for this,


"There is a sacredness to tears.  They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.  They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.  They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and unspeakable love."  Washington Irving. 

Coal

Ouch....  One has to do all the paperwork, the fees (at least 18,000 dollars) in total of fees such as adoption study fee, U.S. processing, adoption program, etc, etc..and all that would be from 12-36 months, even with that, there's still the risk that one might not be approved.

Looking at the child who needs to be adopted soon, I determined, I didn't want him to wait that long (especially that I hadn't done any start on adopting process, even less the application)- if there's a family who can give him a forever home sooner than I could... that's what he needs.  

At least, I tried. 

Of course, that's easier to say.  

In response, I had found myself buying toys and snacks for my furry kids. I had a good time filling two darling stockings I found at Target; Lola and Hairy would absolutely love the presents!  Lola and Hairy are  opposites.   Hairy likes sedate objects, brain-stimulating (like toys that have snacks in them, not easily dispersing), while Lola likes fetch-able toys (tennis balls, squeaky small dolls that can be thrown, etc).  Hairy likes to be brushed and groomed, while Lola prefers shirts and bows.   She really thinks she's a human baby. so that's a win-win for me.

Anyway, there was a complication, in which I suspect why my response was stronger to the Facebook announcement of the deaf child seeking adoption as I shared in the last post.  You see-  my cousin and his wife had their second baby more than a week ago.   Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them.    It's like... everyone are having babies more often in the family. I'm trying to exercise a reality check with myself to remind that it's not because of me, but that it's the young folks wanting to have children.  However a darker voice within my heart states: "You sure they aren't trying to have babies just to avoid becoming infertile like you?" 

I try to swat that question away, but sometimes it's harder to do so on some days- sometimes I wish I am deaf  to that horrible demon pitching self-guilty accusations and self-blaming barbs at me.  

Earlier today, I had a thought, watching the very pregnant co-worker waddling across the room; 

This year I'm getting coal from Santa.  

Well-  if I had a coal burner, I could stay warm.   

Heartpause

"Anyone interested in adopting a four year old deaf boy from China. Inbox me if interested. Serious inquiries only."


This is what I saw when I signed on Facebook a few minutes ago, on the new feed from a friend sharing on her page.  


My heart stopped.  

She's very active and well-loved in the Deaf community, and so I know if there is a Deaf boy, she's looking for a future home for him. That's how big her heart is, and something I admire about her.  


But WHY NOW?  It's like I'm feeling sorry for myself, with the first anniversary coming up, the clouds getting darker and darker.  

Then... BOOM! 

There's a possibility of having  a child.  I could have a new family by Christmas?  A child to raise, to share laughter and sign language with me, to love, to educate and to introduce to new worlds?  Please pinch me!

Then, I get a slap from my logical side (Gemini, y'all know) pointing out  yet I'm in no emotional or financial shape to take in the boy. 

Then I find myself swinging back; my heart is screaming at me: 

When then? When will you have another opportunity? 

I had to struggle, arguing with myself.    There's a part of myself, pushing me to contact the friend to find out, what's the catch, having hope and yearning in my heart, while the other part of me is pointing out that it's not the right time- sure I have a full-time stable job, and even that I have a second bedroom (I had gotten that in hope of having a child when I moved four years ago). However, I'm not rich enough for repeated airfare, legal fees, adoption fees at this time, and what if... what if I'm not approved after all?  There'd be so many Deaf folks who'd love to adopt him, so a Deaf single woman in her 40's?  I'm pretty counted out. 


Of course, my mood plummeted.  


I hate being realistic.  

*******   A few minutes after I wrote this, I said to myself, "fuck this- I'm going to ask her anyway."   At least I want to say that I *tried*.   Yes that means I could experience worsening grief, but...  

You know..I have to try. 

Cookies

*psst!*

Can I tell you a secret?  


Whatever I feel mad, sad, sorry for myself, pissed, I cook.  When I want to throw things, or rag at someone, I cook instead.

I realized, as  more down I feel with the first anniversary coming up lately these days, I increase cooking.


I can't help but find the humor here.


You see..... every year, I had made three-five batches of cookies for holidays. Usually.


Now this year- Cookies and candies, I have made so far this weekend:

Peppernuts
Gingersnaps
Oatmeal butterscotch
Snickerdoodle
Chocolate chip and walnut cookies
Cereal drops
Chocolate fudge
Chili chocolate cracked cookies
Nutmeg cookies
cranberry pine seeds candy (with white chocolate)


And I'm not even done.... Still a lot of spices and stuff on my kitchen counter awaiting for me to make more.

I sure feel like that Ms. Betty Parker.