Looking at the child who needs to be adopted soon, I determined, I didn't want him to wait that long (especially that I hadn't done any start on adopting process, even less the application)- if there's a family who can give him a forever home sooner than I could... that's what he needs.
At least, I tried.
Of course, that's easier to say.
In response, I had found myself buying toys and snacks for my furry kids. I had a good time filling two darling stockings I found at Target; Lola and Hairy would absolutely love the presents! Lola and Hairy are opposites. Hairy likes sedate objects, brain-stimulating (like toys that have snacks in them, not easily dispersing), while Lola likes fetch-able toys (tennis balls, squeaky small dolls that can be thrown, etc). Hairy likes to be brushed and groomed, while Lola prefers shirts and bows. She really thinks she's a human baby. so that's a win-win for me.
Anyway, there was a complication, in which I suspect why my response was stronger to the Facebook announcement of the deaf child seeking adoption as I shared in the last post. You see- my cousin and his wife had their second baby more than a week ago. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them. It's like... everyone are having babies more often in the family. I'm trying to exercise a reality check with myself to remind that it's not because of me, but that it's the young folks wanting to have children. However a darker voice within my heart states: "You sure they aren't trying to have babies just to avoid becoming infertile like you?"
I try to swat that question away, but sometimes it's harder to do so on some days- sometimes I wish I am deaf to that horrible demon pitching self-guilty accusations and self-blaming barbs at me.
Earlier today, I had a thought, watching the very pregnant co-worker waddling across the room;
This year I'm getting coal from Santa.
Well- if I had a coal burner, I could stay warm.
I hear you on the devil's voice inside yourself. I often have to debate with it and shut it up so that I can focus on the task at hand instead of having the fight inside my own brain. That can be really tiring indeed, but it's worth it as long as in the end I manage to shut it up.
ReplyDeleteI was SHOCKED at the cost of adoption you mentioned. I knew already that it'd take that long ('coz I once browsed through info on adoption in Finland). Anyhow, I hope the boy finds a suitable family for him. :-)
adoption is quite a process. and you thought about it and tried. but you'll know when you are ready. don't hate on yourself about this. in time, you'll be ready and it will be right. let yourself heal more and care for yourself. don't be too hard on yourself. you've been through enough :)
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