Sunday, June 16, 2013

Little boy, big giant.

Almost a year ago, I wrote a post "Small step, big step?" which was about a friend who had a baby, had reassured me to take my time, before I'd feel ready to hold her baby.  I felt both excited and apprehensive at that time.

It's almost a year now.

I hadn't held her baby yet, who is now a 1 year old cheeky toddler.

Now I could look at photos of him.   I find myself smiling when the friend share a story or two of her children, here and there.

But the idea of meeting him....

I'm afraid.

What exactly am I afraid of?

That I'd break down and cry, front of her and her family;

That I'd have to look the friend in the eye the next day, and resent her for being a mother;

That once I hold the child, I'd feel nothing.  Or everything;

Or that I'd find myself back in the cycle of doubting myself, re-examining my life, and trying again in acquiring  a child, knowing I'd go through the frustration and confusion, not knowing what would be the outcome, but likely the familiar taste of grief all over again.

Just a friggin' 1 years old toddler, yet to me, he's Galactus.

P.S. My geekiness  sneaks up here and there.


  1. (((HUGS))) Take your time, my friend...there will be days when you feel ready (or readier) to meet him later on...

  2. When my niece was a newborn (less than 12 hours old) I held her and felt nothing but joy for my cousin and love for little L. Now, she is 10 months old and she is my own personal Galactus. You can never know when the time is right, but it will be some day.