Little boy, big giant.

Almost a year ago, I wrote a post "Small step, big step?" which was about a friend who had a baby, had reassured me to take my time, before I'd feel ready to hold her baby.  I felt both excited and apprehensive at that time.

It's almost a year now.

I hadn't held her baby yet, who is now a 1 year old cheeky toddler.

Now I could look at photos of him.   I find myself smiling when the friend share a story or two of her children, here and there.


But the idea of meeting him....

I'm afraid.


What exactly am I afraid of?


That I'd break down and cry, front of her and her family;

That I'd have to look the friend in the eye the next day, and resent her for being a mother;

That once I hold the child, I'd feel nothing.  Or everything;

Or that I'd find myself back in the cycle of doubting myself, re-examining my life, and trying again in acquiring  a child, knowing I'd go through the frustration and confusion, not knowing what would be the outcome, but likely the familiar taste of grief all over again.

Just a friggin' 1 years old toddler, yet to me, he's Galactus.

http://www.fightersgeneration.com/characters4/galactus.html

P.S. My geekiness  sneaks up here and there.