Throughout my life, I have had a variety of dreams like everyone. I dreamed of being a writer and a biologist. I dreamed of living in New York City or London. It was a dream of mine to go into education for doctorate studies in psychology and counseling, or to teach about mindfulness and holistic self-care. As everyone have dreams like that, less or more, including love, marriage, children and seeing surprise dawning upon a child at peek-a-boo, with laughter following. That's what I dreamed, too.
I admit that I had long term planning, as organizing as going to school, finding a satisfying career, traveling and exploring worlds out there, settling down and having a child or two, with or without a partner. That's how I worked it out.
Twenty years ago, I was too young- there was so much life offering to me, and I wanted to seize that without feeling obligated to have a child that society expects of us women. I also knew I had a lot of things to work on, especially with healing spiritually and emotionally. Not something that'd be easy to do in a few months or even years.
Ten years ago, I felt it was not the right time, especially with me in middle of schooling, being productive with my career and exploring worlds out there. After that, experiencing a traumatic life-changing incident where I had to re-learn to put socks on, feed myself and walk, all over again, I realized life is too short.
With that in mind, I went head-long to complete goals, finishing graduate schooling, finishing learning of wondrous training I had always dreamed of getting, traveling through England and Wales, and experiencing a lot of extraordinary things that many people would never experience in all their lives.
But of children, I told myself, "I need to find someone I can trust and love, with communication and support. As a team. I will not marry someone just to have children, which I felt for me, is selfish- using the spouse for the purpose of breeding only. If I cannot find someone with belief of equality, balance and support, I will do it by myself, somehow."
I was ready last summer, starting to brainstorm what I need to do to get pregnant. A plan was developing with joy and eagerness to see it all bud into bloom.
"The best laid schemes of mice and men / Go often askew."