Scabs

It has been almost two weeks since the surgery.   It's a quiet morning, the dogs asleep, and so is mother who is visiting to help out during my recovery.    I'm savoring my chicory coffee, which I hadnt for a long while.  I love my mother, don't get me wrong, but don't mess with her when she makes coffee for herself. So her sleeping, I took the advantage to make chicory coffee!  

I have been looking at the scabs and the healing cut where the uterus had been removed, and I was thinking, "It looks so simple, the cut, but like layers, it hides my hurt."  The hurt, as not the physical pain (I do experience it now and then, thank gods for the pain medication!), but the emotional pain- the reality has been hitting me with a baseball bat more frequently.    It even hurts more when friends tell me "You'll get better," "You'll get over it soon" and "You're lucky- I had more pain than that."  This is not what one truly wants to hear during her recovery which includes grief for the loss of her uterus, which had more meanings for womanhood and motherhood, than one could imagine.   When I hear "You'll get better," I get the mega message, "I don't know what to say, but to dismiss your hurt and make myself feel good by saying you'll get better."   When I see "you'll get over it soon," I get the mega message, "Stop moping around, you're overreacting!"   Perhaps I'm over-interpreting, but truly, you don't SAY that to someone who had lost someone, would you?  "You'll get over it soon", would you say that to someone who lost his brother to cancer?  Would you say "you'll get better" to someone who had lost her son in a car accident?    SAME concept.  

Excellent website about what to NOT say to someone in grief....  http://www.griefspeaks.com/id9.html

Yes, you're reading me right.  I'm grieving-  no I had not lost someone- you're damn right about that.   but I had lost potential children, with the removal of uterus and an ovary- hence I'm grieving for children that I will not get to know, never to be born to me. 

And if anyone suggests adoption and surrogancy,  again, that is not something that one needs to hear during grief.   To suggest either at this time is to relegate and dismiss the grieving survivor's emotions.   After all, would you say "You'll remarry again" to someone who had lost his spouse?  Would YOU? 

So, for me, and for women who had gone through similiar surgery, please don't presume to determine our emotions for ourselves, and don't rush us through our grief.  This is for us to go through, in going through time, to adjust to a new world that may not include children, or perhaps options in the future-  GIVE us time, and support, without any attempts to say something to make YOU feel better, while making US feel worse.  If you don't know what to say, then don't say anything... Just give us loving support or be quiet.  

After all, we don't need y'all to pick at our scabs....  literally.   What we need is for you to listen, support and look at the scabs to recognize how much we are hurting.