Shopping and Bias against disabled parents



Thanksgiving had come and gone.  It was somewhat good, just with mom and some neighbors.    Now, we gotta hope that Xmas would come and be gone without any incidents, like weeping.  I can't say it won't happen.  

I had gone to the baby department of Macy's to get some clothes for my baby nephew, one of his holiday gifts...and it was harder than I thought.  Even more at the book store.  Some of you have read a post that I wrote much earlier this year, of how much I love reading. So getting books for the nephew was tough, looking at books, thinking "if I had a child, I could get that...." eyeing 'Boot and Shoe', "or this", of another book 'Star Wars Alphabet'.   

Bottom line, I got clothes and books for the baby nephew and they are all wrapped, soon to be mailed.  :::pat on my shoulder:: 

 I did it. 

While reading posts and articles on Facebook (yup, I have an account there, nothing to be embarrassed about.), I saw an article shared by a good friend.  Its title grabbed my attention "Facing Bias, loss of children, disabled parents should get more support, advocates say."    I clicked on it to read.

After reading, I feel validated that what I have gone through with planning to have a child, or adoption...  you see, it'd be hard to adopt as a single woman... even more as a deaf single woman who uses American Sign Language as her communicative language.    I have always had a fear that if I had a child, in my 20's and 30's, that I'd have to go through court to fight to keep the child, especially with my maternal family- I love 'em, but there's a bias that deaf cannot do anything.  They'd think I'd put the child in danger just because I can't hear.   So that's one of many reasons why I hesitated getting pregnant.  It was only when I became 40 and more confident in myself, I decided "hell with them, I'll get pregnant- and if that comes to court for custody of the child, I'll fight like hell." 

That didn't work out, dear readers. Despite some success getting pregnant, none had gone past the first trimester.     

Then, I looked into adoption, I read about requirements of international adoption, and of articles about surrogate mothers/single women (or with lesbian partners) trying to get pregnant with semen from deaf donors- and I have noticed folks in those articles had fought.  Some won..and some lost, especially with deaf semen donors and some international adoption.  Even some local adoption would put disabled individuals last on the waiting list to adopt...  

*sigh*     some days I'm pushing up my sleeves and say "bring it on!'  and on other days, I feel hopeless. 

It has been more of the latter feelings for those days-  rare to experience the former feeling of confidence...  I can only hope I'd experience that more often- not now, but perhaps next year or so...

I want to say "Bring it on" to fight for my right to have children, even if they are adopted or foster or by surrogate mother someday and stick to it.  I want to have hope...

Like the photo says..hope is a bitch. 

Doomsdays

Hadn't much energy or motivation to write a post lately.  

Thanksgiving is coming less than a week.  Whee.....

Xmas is coming up in a month and so................   Whoo

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0360486/

It feels very much like the doomsday to me than the holidays.


Last November and December I had gone through tests (MRI, sonograms, ultrasounds, etc) with so thousand thoughts
 "Can I have children or not?"
 "They're so wrong." 
"What is it in my uterus that they don't know?"

So many questions, with fear of unknown what was on the horizon. So many answers with the knowledge that it was not going my way.

I tried to protect myself (and other folks) by telling folks that I was fine, and that if I can't have children, no big deal.

Now, the holidays, the doomsdays are coming, I had made a decision.

You see----

 Last year, I was empty on Christmas, just two days after the doctor told me there I cannot have children. I was a zombie sitting there on the couch, watching cousins laughing as their toddlers opening presents.  I slapped a joker smile on my face as I was told two days after I cannot have children, that I will be an aunt.
Just typing this, I have tears coming down my cheeks. It still hurts recalling the pain from the last holidays.  In the emptiness, I kept thinking "the doctor is wrong" while I stared at the little children cuddling in my cousin's arms, my heart breaking. They have to be wrong. Yet in the heart of the darkness, I knew it the truth.

I love my family, don't you get me wrong...  however, despite the many family relatives in the room, I felt....

alone.


All that emotions were nonexistent all because Christmas was only two days  since that I had seen the doctor.  I had no time to process all that during the holiday visit.  I was a puppet, all smiles, not wanting to spoil it for everyone else.

I chose to keep everyone else's illusions that everything is okay, while neglecting myself.


Now, this year, there is two babies, and one on the way.


I'll pass.  I'm going to protect myself.

At least, I have to work on the 26th, which gives me the excuse to stay away.



Perhaps, I'll be comfortably ready next year.

The world is watching.

How far we had gone to achieve voting.....

Not even a century had gone past since Women had gotten the civil right to vote.

Let us not forget the disabled- they are ABLE to vote

Help people exercise their right to vote- volunteer and protect their exercising to vote.

Afar you are, yet close you vote! 

May common sense, honor and inner strength prevail over fear, threats or delusions today on the day that may determine the next fifty years. 

Spooky! Scary! Happy I am!

I have read several fellow bloggers on things they can do without children, and of how they can take advantage of things not having to worry about children.  I do see their point, and I do look forward to the time when I'd appreciate being able to enjoy things child-free..... but that's not yet.


Until today.

Vampires!  (Fright Night)

Monsters (Jason from Friday 13th)

Spookies (Freddy from Nightmare on Elm Street)

Werewolves!  (Van Halsing)

My point?     

 I can go on ghost hunts (which I did last year and will do again this Sunday)!   

 I can go walk in abandoned places at 2 in the morning.   

I can get lost in the corn maze for hours before I get out. 

I can wander in the cold night under the full moon walking my labyrinths.

I can go to haunted places such as:   

Waverly Hills Sanatorium, haunted forests, scary mazes, hanging out at the bar giving out 'creepy' drinks and admiring each other's costumes at "Halloween Bash at The Bard's Town." 

....and I don't have to worry about finding a babysitter and checking my watch;

....and I don't have to worry about whether the kid wants to cut the trip short because it's "too cold", "too boring" or "have to cut it short because of school tomorrow;"

....and I don't have to worry whether if the kid can handle the scary part:

....and I don't have to worry about the kid needing therapy later on if I wear a scary clown mask and jump out from under the bed scaring someone witless.  

Now I feel much better for one thing. :)  

Hardest to write.

Had written a post last week.  I felt I had taken my heart out of my chest and started to squeeze the life out of it while typing the post. After finishing writing, I kept staring at the post as if it was a hive, full of buzzing bees.  Of all posts I had written, this has to be the hardest, most painful to write....

And I'm afraid to share it. 

Journey by car

Road trips- one of my favorite way to meditate, believe it or not.

Longer the road takes you, it's easier to mull on things, or nothing at all.

Often there's catharsis or 'ah ha' moments somewhere afar.  A few times I'd need to pull over to write something down to avoid forgetting about it!

I had driven 2226 miles to Colorado and back to Kentucky, with four days to do it all by car.

Mind you, not with a scarf over my head, or driving a convertible car with the top down....  that'd be a mouthful of bugs for sure...

Let me give you examples of some ah ha moments I had thought up through road trips....

"Guys REALLY forget things. If you want them to remember something, put it on calendars, next to their favorite chips."

"Religions are small ideas- they depend on followers to make them big (enough to make war) or small (enough to develop communities.)"

"Simple things are simple because complications are what people understand and live for. They have to make things complicated because to realize things are simple, are to realize life CAN be THAT simple is too much for them."

 Those are some few examples....

On that note, I'd not go on a road trip for a long while....  the last one was somewhat too much for me- 2226 miles is the top record for me alone so far.  One thing I have to add....while driving, I didn't get to think about childlessness, babies, family, nothing.  Just empty mindless while driving.


Although....I'm eyeing Louisiana for a road trip next year....Cajun food and attitudes,  hillbilly swamps, plantation county, Mardi Gras and Bourbon Rue.... I'm up for that!

http://www.youngarts.org/node/758

Red footprints

Soon I am off to Colorado, the state of red sand and red stones for a week. 

To teach about labyrinths.  To teach about mindfulness and self-care for survivors of domestic violence/sexual assault.   To walk in footprints of heroines who had found inner strength to change their lives for the better.   That can be said for us who are living with childlessness by circumstances and/or infertility, too. 

A step on the journey, long it will be, but the journey itself is more important than the destination.