Saturday, May 19, 2012

"Go on, have a bite"

Tempting apple, isn't it?   So good, take a bite.

Last month, just two months after THAT surgery, one day I was feeling sorry for myself (too often that happened lately), and I was thinking again, "what about adoption?"

Why not look into it?    So I impulsively signed up for the Rainbow Kids, thinking at least I could get on the waiting list, and that'd give me time before they'd find children ....deaf/hard of hearing children- after all  not many countries (and even the United States) find children with disabilities desirable- "too much work to raise an handicapped child" I hear over and over throughout my life, yet I have worked with disabled children and adults- they can have full wonderful lives with support. Anyway, the time I'd need to look into adoption, especially the financial part, but how many could there be of deaf children waiting to be adopted, really? Not many.  So, plenty of time for me to focus on myself before I'd be ready.

In a week, I got an email letting me know of a possible child.

Puzzled surprise.  I went to look at the email, to find that there's a six years old deaf boy waiting to be adopted from China.

I stared at the email.   Suddenly, I felt pressured.  I felt like I was rushing into things too fast.  Guilt chased quickly up, "Aren't I leading them on, now I back off? Is that fair to the kid?"

I quickly deleted the email.   Shame was the dark cloud above my head for the rest of the day.

Since then, I had gotten many emails from the website, of available deaf or hard of hearing children, waiting to be adopted from China, Turkey, Ukraine and Armenia, and many countries.  More I got, more I felt I'm over my head, more I felt guilty.  

So many children waiting to be adopted and I'm not ready!   

The apple looks so good but it's poisonous to me right now....  If I take a bite, I'm taking a bigger piece than I could swallow especially with the timing at this moment.  I am not ready to be selfless. I want to use the time to adjust to the new reality. Heck, I hadn't YET walked through the baby department without feeling wretched.  

So with a heavy heart, I unsubscribed. I reminded myself, while guilt beat me up with a baseball bat, "you're not ready. It's too soon."  

I pass on the apple, for now. 


  1. Don't let the guilt get you. You can't adopt every child in the world, even if you WERE ready. And knowing your mind, knowing whether you're ready or not, is I think very important. It wouldn't be fair to you or a child to rush into it if you weren't sure. You've done the right thing, even if it hurts to think of it.

  2. This posts echoes a lot of what I have been struggling with in my head the last 2 years. I guess you could say I am leaving that door cracked open right now. In a few more years we might open that door, or we might close it. That’s why I have avoided this topic so far on my blog.
    You are right. You need to take care of yourself.

  3. Adoption is a HUGE step. So it takes a while to get ready for that. So, do not feel guilty. The good part of this is that you know there are lots of kids out there when you are ready. I think it is so awesome that you want to adopt a child that a lot of people who over look because they have special needs. So, do not feel bad. In time!