However.....
Lately, I have noticed a significant neglect for all that activities I listed. I have found myself more and more watching television, which is very unusual for me. I don't even LIKE television- I consider it boring, but now it is something to escape to. I don't have to do anything but sit on my arse.
No energy, no motivation, nothing. Procrastination is my best friend lately.
When I stop and think, "I need to clean the house", Blahh...
Pausing to say to myself, "Gotta walk the labyrinth," bleh...
Looking up from watching television, "Hmmm, the dogs look bored, I should take them to the park..." blehh..
Peering at my pager to realize that it's dead, battery drained, and to realize the recharger is at the office. that I won't know if friends invited me to activities, I go "no big deal...I can recharge in my car..." Nah..
Blah.....Bleh..... Nahh..
Okay, that's an obvious symptom of depression which has to be addressed.
I had convinced myself and my psychotherapist that I am not depressed, but that I'm going through grief. After all, one doesn't like to admit to being vulnerable to depression.
What helps me at this time is that I have read many infertility and childlessness blogs to realize that I am not alone.
I'm not alone in experiencing depression.
I'm not alone in dealing with procrastination.
I'm not alone in neglecting enjoyable activities, feeling guilt.
I'm not alone.
And it's okay to experience all this.
So I'm telling myself to deal with this day-to-day without adding guilt and shame. I need to remind myself to set up one goal each day, to make it easy instead of feeling overwhelmed.
That's a start.
With that in mind, I had just bathed Lola and Hairy- they ain't happy.
photo owned by this blogger, Wolfers
Hahah...cute picture!
ReplyDeleteI'm there with you on taking it one day at a time.
I love the photo!
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone. I do all those things (neglect the house, procrastinate, etc) and I'm not dealing with a loss like yours. Quite where grief crosses over and becomes depression I'm not sure. I certainly know that when I hit the "no kids" mark, I was dealing with grief and a low level, functioning depression for at least a year or two. My advice is simply not to expect too much of yourself. The one day at a time advice is great - because some days you'll be able to do more, and others it will feel overwhelming.
Hugs. Grief is such a process.
ReplyDeleteI was so really depressed after my hysterectomy. At first I was like "YAY! CANCER FREE" but then the actual loss hit me a month or two afterward, and I was really down. I was shocked at how down I was b/c I wasn't sure before my hysterectomy if I even wanted children. So, how hard my infertility hit me was surprising and it took me a while to admit I was depressed. I think awareness helps all things, and it is good you at least are aware of what you are currently facing.
So, you know, just take it one day at a time. I think you are smart in just trying to do one small thing a day. I know one thing I used to do is try to take walks. Just get out of the house, even for 30 minutes each day. I found it helped a lot.
Hugs, you are in my thoughts and if you ever need anything, I am here for you.